August & September Screenings: Best & Worst

 August & September Screenings: Best & Worst

Hello and welcome to Cinema Wellman. I am your host David, and I realize this episode is a tad late since I’ll be running down the Best & Worst movies screened here during August and September.

Those months are long gone, but these movies aren’t. And that’s a shame in the case of the first four movies I’ll be covering today. 

I wish they were long gone from my memory, but they are still there, so here we are. 

We’ll start where we usually do, and that’s at the bottom.

And this bottom contains an M. Night Shyamalan sighting, and that’s never a good sign!

Trap (2024)

PG-13/105 min/IMDb: 6.0/directed by M. Night Shyamalan

If you’ve been here before, you know how I feel about Shyamalan. 

Even though I think he’s vastly overrated and I find his movies boring, I don’t avoid his movies because I want to give him a chance to prove me wrong.

He’s yet to prove me wrong. 

Trap starts with a preposterous premise and gets more and more unbelievable by the minute.

There’s a serial killer at large that nobody knows what he looks like, yet they DO know that he’ll be at a particular pop concert that has actually been set up as a “Trap” to capture him?

That sounds even more idiotic when I say it out loud.

What follows is scene after scene that will have you saying, “Huh?” to yourself over and over.

And the fact that Shyamalan continues to insist on appearing (speaking roles!) in his own movies just makes his movies worse for me. 

He’s terrible.

A Shyamalan that isn’t terrible is his daughter, Saleka, who plays the pop star in this movie.

She wrote and performed all of the songs featured in the concert portion of the movie, and I think she did a very good job.

No need to make her pay for the sins of her hack father.

I read that dad Shyamalan said that the pitch and concept of the movie revolved around the question, “What if Silence of the Lambs happened at a Taylor Swift concert?”

What?!? 

And they throw money at that?!?

Anyone But You (2023)

R/103 min/IMDb: 6.1/directed by Will Gluck

IMDb: “After an amazing first date, Bea and Ben’s fiery attraction turns ice cold -- until they find themselves unexpectedly reunited at a wedding in Australia. So, they do what any two mature adults would do: pretend to be a couple.”

Why? Why is that the mature thing to do? Why must they pretend to be a couple? That doesn’t make any sense at all!

Premise aside, I have nothing against Glen Powell. Nothing at all. But if it seems like every movie nowadays has Glen Powell in it is because every movie nowadays has Glen Powell in it. 

He’s good, don’t get me wrong, but he’s not perfect for every part in every movie being currently produced. 

I’m also waiting for the first Sydney Sweeney movie that doesn’t exploit her body and lets her act, but I’m not holding my breath.

It kind of reminds me of when Jamie Lee Curtis started. It seemed like every movie of hers had that one nude scene or one bikini scene because it “had” to.

Jamie Lee eventually “graduated” from such scenes and roles and I’m hoping the same is true for Sydney Sweeney.

Oh, and I am sick to death of destination weddings in all of these romantic comedies lately. 

No wonder I hate rom coms. 

The Union (2024)

PG-13/107 min/IMDb: 5.4/directed by Julian Farino

The lingering question after screening this boring piece of trash was, “How do movies like this get made?”

Oscar winner Halle Berry, Oscar winner J.K. Simmons and Oscar nominee (really?) Mark Wahlberg star in this film that seems like pre-production (and all rational thought) ended once those three were cast. 

We have the film cast, so why bother with a script?

IMDb: “Construction worker Mike is thrust into the world of espionage when his high school sweetheart, Roxanne, recruits him for a high-stakes intelligence mission.”

Wait, what?

Yes. It’s that stupid.

The premise that a super-secret government organization that nobody knows even exists would need an idiot construction worker from New Jersey for this “high-stakes intelligence mission” is just idiotic. 

I knew this was going to be stupid, so this was on me, but I didn’t think it was going to be as awful as it was.

Wahlberg is terrible and can’t really act if you ask me. So, asking him to transform from a clueless working Joe into a top-notch assassin in about 10 minutes may be the dumbest part of this extremely dumb movie.

Who threw money at this?

Is it possible that there’s a movie that was WORSE than all of these movies?

Great question. And the answer is a resounding, “yes!”

Actually, much worse. 

On the Line (2022)

R/104 min/IMDb: 5.5/directed by Romuald Boulanger

When you’ve seen as many movies as I have, you’re bound to see a lot of movies that are just awful. Terrible, terrible movies. Movies that you end up hating, even!

That’s to be understood when you’re approaching 10,000 movies, but then there are movies that are part of a much smaller list; movies that flat out insult you.

On the Line is one of those movies.

IMDb: “A radio host takes a call where an unknown person threatens to kill the host’s entire family on air. To save his loved ones, the host will have to play a survival game and the only way to win is to find out the identity of the criminal.”

Mel Gibson plays the radio host, so, again, this is totally on me. 

I should have known better.

I am about to spoil everything about this movie since I don’t want anyone else to endure this dreadful cinematic experience.

Here we go:

*Gibson is a shock jock who is abusive to his listeners and staff.

*New guy, Dylan, starts work and during his very first shift he is humiliated (on air) by Gibson. He should obviously leave since no one should be treated like that, but he does not.

*Since Gibson’s character is so hated, a caller calls in and tells him he’s kidnapped Gibson’s wife and child and is going to kill them.

*For some stupid reason, the killer has the wife and child at the radio station instead of just killing them in their house where they were. 

*Gibson and Dylan wander all over the deserted radio station finding dead staff members and general malfeasance.

*Killer shows his face and is strapped with a bomb vest. When time comes to press the button, he does, and nothing happens. Then everybody but Dylan starts to laugh since it was all a big joke. Hysterical.

*Dylan gets really pissed and runs off only to be confronted by the entire staff in a stairwell. Dylan falls down the stairs, hits his head, and dies.

*Gibson is freaked out and upset, yadda yadda, and then Dylan gets up (as I expected him to) because THAT was all a big joke as well.

*The joke on Dylan (created by Gibson) was actually part of a larger prank on Gibson created by his staff to teach him a lesson because he’s such a hateful and despicable human being.

    *Movie ends with Gibson telling his staff they better be ready for work the next day. 

    *Oh, fuck you, movie. 

How about some good movies? Did I actually screen anything I can speak about in a positive way? 

I did, and here they are…

The Watchers (2024)

PG-13/102 min/IMDb: 5.7/directed by Ishana Shyamalan

Directed by whom? Am I praising the work of another Shyamalan?

I am, and it’s another one of M. Night’s daughters who did a better job directing this than he ever did in my book. 

IMDb: “A young artist gets stranded in an extensive, immaculate forest in western Ireland, where, after finding shelter, she becomes trapped alongside three strangers, stalked by mysterious creatures each night.”

This is a slow burn supernatural thriller that I found very compelling.

I’m a big fan of movies that keep me guessing and wondering where they’re heading.

I really don’t want to say anything else because I recommend you see it yourself if you’re into these types of movies and/or like Dakota Fanning. 

Parts of this were pretty creepy, and I really liked how it ended. 

The Burglars (1971)

PG/120 min/IMDb: 6.5/directed by Henri Verneuil

IMDb: “In 1970s Athens a group of professional burglars plan an emerald heist from the home of a gem collector, but a corrupt Greek police inspector is on the trail.”

We love a heist movie here at Cinema Wellman, and the French thriller Le casse, known as The Burglars in the U.S. was an unexpected treat.

It stars Jean-Paul Belmondo, Friend of Cinema Wellman Dyan Cannon, and Omar Sharif as the corrupt police inspector. 

This has everything you’d want in a 70s heist movie including some exciting stunts, most of which were done by Belmondo himself.

One of those stunts is a spectacular fall from a construction truck down a steep, rocky hillside that has to be seen to be believed.

I didn’t time it but read on IMDb that no dialogue is spoken until 10 minutes into the film, and hardly any until the 22-minute mark. 

Sign of a great heist movie! 

And there’s also a cringy death scene involving a grain silo. Yikes. 

Empire Records (1995)

PG-13/90 min/IMDb: 6.7/directed by Allan Moyle

One of my favorite things about working where I currently work is talking about movies with my co-worker Crystal. 

Some of my friends think I’ve seen “everything,” but I’m convinced that it’s Crystal who has seen “everything.”

When Crystal recently raved about Empire Records being a favorite of hers, my first thought was, “I don’t think I’ve seen that.”

IMDb: “Twenty-four hours in the lives of the young employees at Empire Records as they face the store joining a chain store with strict rules.”

I have no idea how I missed this, and I’m glad Crystal brought it up because it was a lot of fun.

Store owner Anthony LaPaglia gives off a little bit of a creepy vibe with the girls at times, but I think that’s just me. 

Debi Mazar, Rory Cochrane, Robin Tunney, and Renee Zellweger turn in excellent performances as members of Empire Records’ staff. 

It’s not all fun and games, but it’s mostly fun, and the music is tremendous.

Thanks to another side project I’m involved in, I listened to the soundtrack for this movie before I ever saw the movie. 

Good stuff.

One movie to go in this wrap up, and it’s also a music movie.

And if you’re a fan of pop music, it’s a movie that you absolutely cannot miss.  

The Greatest Night in Pop (2024)

PG-13/96 min/IMDb: 7.9/directed by Bao Nguyen 

Most music fans of a certain age remember the all-star anthem “We Are the World” which assembled anyone who was anyone in pop music at the time to record a charity single for African famine relief. 

The list of performers who gathered on the night of January 28th, 1985, in Los Angeles is truly a who’s who of music royalty.

I didn’t do the research, but I’m willing to wager that half of these musicians are in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. It was amazing to see them all in one place at the same time uniting for the same cause.

This Netflix documentary chronicles that historic night and gives viewers a behind the scenes look at the recording of a song we have all heard hundreds of times. 

This is a must see for any music fan.

Well, that is a wrap from here at Cinema Wellman for our Best and Worst August and September combo.

We hope you join us next time for our Halloween episode as we rank all of the films in the Nightmare on Elm Street series.

Until then, take care.