January Screenings: Best & Worst
Hello and welcome to Cinema
Wellman. I am your host David and January is done and dusted so we’re here today to break down the best and worst movies screened here last month.
January and February’s Best & Worst lists are always tricky since it's the “busy” season here at Cinema Wellman during those months as we scramble to see all of the Oscar nominated films within the brief window between nominations and the ceremony. And since there are two more Oscar episodes coming up, I won’t be discussing any of the Oscar nominated movies today.
Aside from one, which I’ll explain/rationalize later.
So, even though I loved some of the Oscar nominated movies I saw in January (American Fiction, Oppenheimer, Poor Things) they’ll have to wait a couple of weeks.
You will also need to wait to find out how I really felt about the latest Mission:Impossible, Indiana Jones, and Guardians of the Galaxy installments.
I predicted I’d hate them all, and spoiler alert: I was WRONG!
Let’s begin as we always do, with the worst of the month.
There are a total of four films on our worst list for January, but three of them are really the same movie, so in reality we only have two.
We’ll begin with a trio of post-apocalyptic low-budget Italian Road Warrior rip offs that I found on Criterion of all places!
I trust Criterion implicitly, so I gave these a shot.
Don’t worry, Criterion. I still trust you.
1990: The Bronx Warriors (1982)
R/89 min/IMDb: 5.2/directed by Enzo G. Castellari
Escape from the Bronx (1983)
R/89 min/IMDb: 4.7/directed by Enzo G. Castellari
Warriors of the Wasteland (1983)
R/91 min/IMDb: 4.6/directed by Enzo G. Castellari
I watched these movies one Saturday afternoon back-to-back to back, and the reason I’m going to talk about them as one movie is simply because they seem to be the same exact movie.
I have a feeling that director Enzo G. Castellari is the Roger Corman of Italy, which may explain why the Criterion Channel had these as part of their “Post Apocalyptic Sci-Fi” collection.
These movies are bad, but, like a good train wreck, it’s hard to look away.
Even though these were Italian productions shot mostly in Italy by an Italian director, there were a few known American actors making appearances in these movies.
I guess it was hard to turn down a paycheck and a free trip to Italy back in the early 80s.
*Fred “The Hammer” Williamson starred in TWO of these!
*Vic Morrow is in one of these! (he unfortunately delivers a creepily prescient line about someone losing their head)
*And “always the villain” Henry Silva shows up in one. (Google him, you’ll recognize him!)
These movies were quite obviously made to cash in on the popularity of The Road Warrior (1981).
Much of the weaponry and vehicles being used by the “Templars” looks like it was stolen from the Road Warrior set. They even have the arm quiver for the arrows. Come on!
One of the Templar’s futuristic vehicles looks like that new Tesla pickup truck/aberration! So much like it that it makes me think if that lunatic saw these movies and said, “what the hell?”
One of these (I think it was Warriors of the Wasteland) is set in 2019. Those movies are ALWAYS a treat! They’re always way, way off with what they think we’re going to have in the future.
I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again. I was promised flying cars when I was in 7th grade.
I’m just sayin’.
An actual line of dialogue from one of these is, "Books. That’s what started this whole apocalypse.”
Sure. People reading. That’s what’s going to cause the apocalypse.
You may be asking what could possibly be worse than this trio of trash?
A Lassie movie!
The Magic of Lassie (1978)
G/100 min/IMDb: 5.5/directed by Robert & Richard Sherman
I want to make something very clear before I go after this kids’ movie.
I kind of hate Lassie movies.
I really have nothing against Lassie herself. Lassie and other Rough Collies lack the opposable thumbs that are required for many, if not all, tasks involved with filmmaking.
It’s not Lassie’s fault that she has appeared in so many shit movies over the years. Twenty to be exact. Twenty!
She just can’t work with a poor script, bad direction, and untalented co-stars. Few actors can.
And I apologize for using the pronoun “she” to refer to movie and tv Lassie because, although Lassie is a female dog in every film and tv rendition, Lassie was never played by a female dog.
That right there cements my loathing of Lassie movies.
Picture for a second a “dog universe.” And in this universe, there are obviously “dog movies.” Imagine being a female dog and finding out that Lassie was never played by a female dog!!!!
Betrayal and LIES!!!!
IMDb tells us “Lassie is trying to find her way home. She will have to run all the way from Colorado to California. Her loving owner is looking for her.”
Did you ever lose a dog?
Did you think that experience would make a good movie?
Of course not.
There’s only one reason I watched this, and it was because of the dreaded Best Original Song Oscar Nomination!!!
That category screws me again!
This movie was so bad and unmagical that star Jimmy Stewart semi-retired from film after making this mess!
I would have gladly joined Jimmy in the old actor’s home after watching this.
Now let’s pivot and take a look at some of the best (non-Oscar nominated) movies we screened here in January.
I.S.S. (2023)
R/95 min/IMDb: 5.7/directed by Gabriela Cowperthwaite
Space thrillers are always a fun escape even when it’s not science fiction. Since I’m claustrophobic, all space thrillers are really horror movies since I can’t imagine being cooped up in a tin can with nowhere to go for any amount of time.
Half of the payload would need to be sedatives for me.
In most space thrillers, there’s a home for the astronauts to return to. In I.S.S. that may not be the case.
The film takes place aboard the International Space Station and features only six characters. Three are Soviet cosmonauts, three are American astronauts.
Everything is going well on board when the unthinkable happens on Earth; a nuclear war between the two countries.
Both countries give their people the same message; “Take the I.S.S. by any means necessary.”
I have to admit that the entire movie isn’t as good as its premise, but I enjoyed it anyway.
Oscar winner Ariana DeBose is the lead and does a fine job with what she’s given. She’s quite good, and I’m not sure why we don’t see more of her.
Next up is an old western comedy from the late 60s.
The Good Guys and the Bad Guys (1969)
M/90 min/IMDb: 6.1/directed by Burt Kennedy
From IMDb: “An aging lawman and an aging outlaw join forces when their respective positions in society are usurped by a younger, but incompetent Marshal, and a younger, but vicious gang leader.”
I have to admit that I really enjoy a good western now and then. I don’t like the ones that portray Native Americans in a bad light, but I love westerns that are about land wars and gangs of outlaws and bank robberies.
The cast featured both John and David Carradine, Martin Balsam, and friend of Cinema Wellman Tina Louise.
The aging outlaw is played by George Kennedy, and the aging lawman by Robert Mitchum. They have chemistry between them that had me wondering if they were friends in real life.
Neither Kennedy nor Mitchum was known for comedic roles (later in his career, Kennedy was part of the Naked Gun franchise, but little comedy before that) and yet both are quite funny at times.
This was rated “M” back in 1969 probably for the way Martin Balsam was pawing Tina Louise. That rating obviously no longer exists.
Still existing? Tina Louise who turns 91 years old on Super Bowl Sunday!
Cheers!
Next up is a movie I watched on a whim, and thoroughly enjoyed!
Those Who Wish Me Dead (2021)
R/100 min/IMDb: 6.0/directed by Taylor Sheridan
Angelina Jolie stars as a smokechaser/survival expert who tries to protect a teenage murder witness pursued by two assassins in the Montana wilderness.
Oh, and the forest they’re in is on fire.
I am not an Angelina Jolie fan, by any means. I don’t dislike her, but I don’t consider myself a fan, so she wasn’t the reason I watched Those Who Wish Me Dead.
I’m glad I did because I found it pretty harrowing and exciting at times.
It reminded me a little of Cliffhanger in the forest since Jolie’s character has a similar backstory, but the fire sequences were pretty amazing.
The production team rigged an enormous woodland set which was safely set ablaze. I don’t know about “safely” since fire really can’t be trusted.
But this certainly added a realism to the film that made it more watchable.
And the assassins were RUTHLESS!!!! Oh, my goodness! I saw one of my worst nightmares in this film. The old innocent person wandering into the wrong situation. Like Fargo! Remember that?! Those poor people.
Next, we have a duck movie, and we love ducks here at Cinema Wellman!
Migration (2023)
PG/83 min/IMDb:6.7/directed by Ben Renner/Guylo Homsy
For the third year in a row, my family is participating in a “Birthday Project” for me. Since I don’t live nearby, I like to celebrate their birthday with a variety of activities. It’s my way of celebrating them from a distance.
Two years ago, I asked for their favorite movies and meals.
Last year I asked for favorite TV shows and TV snacks, which I watched and consumed on their day.
This year they have been tasked with sending me to a movie playing in the theater on their birthday along with something that is miles out of my comfort zone: their favorite fast-food meal!
The reason I’m sharing this is that, on the family calendar, Vanessa is first up, and she sent me to see Migration.
After consuming a McDonald’s filet of fish and fries.
I enjoyed this story about a family of ducks led by an overprotective father who wants to go on an adventurous vacation.
As I mentioned, I’m a fan of ducks, and this was a funny and sweet story that deals with family issues and stepping out of your comfort zone.
Like eating fast food for the first time in 15 years as part of a silly project.
Adventures are positive journeys, no matter where you go.
We have one film remaining, and it was Oscar nominated. I said I wouldn’t be discussing any nominated films in this episode, but I kind of already talked about it in Episode 1 this season.
Kind of.
Godzilla Minus One Minus Color (2023)
PG-13/124 min/IMDb: 8.3/directed by Takashi Yamazaki
Hear me out, because this is a different movie experience, so I consider it a different movie.
It reminded me of watching the “Chrome Version” of George Miller’s amazing Mad Max: Fury Road.
When the color is removed from these films, a new version is created that makes it seem like a totally new film.
And director Takashi Yamazaki and his crew didn’t simply hit the “remove color” button from Godzilla Minus One and put it back in the theater.
The film was kind of “remastered” in a way in which the colors were removed and “replaced” with shades of black and white.
The result is documentary-like footage that is as crisp and clear as a still black and white photograph.
It’s absolutely stunning and totally brings you back to 1954 and the original Gojira.
I have to admit that I loved the blue scales clicking into place and powering up Godzilla before he unleashes his blue atomic breath so much that I missed it in the black and white version.
I was hoping they would “Schindler’s List” the blue scales/breath a la the little girl’s red coat, but this one is all black and white.
And all Godzilla.
Well, that’s a wrap from here at Cinema Wellman for our Best & Worst of January.
We hope you’ve had a good start to 2024, and we hope you’ll be back with us next week for “Once is MORE than Enough” as we look at great films that are extremely difficult to rewatch.
Until then, take care.
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