Oh, Baby!

 Oh, Baby! - Baby Movies

Hello and welcome to Cinema Wellman. I am your host Dr. David, and I’m wearing my scrubs and gloves because today I’ll be delivering 11 “Baby Movies” that attempt to capture the staggering impact a tiny human can have on the lives of grown-ass adults. 

In yet another Cinema Wellman 1st, this will be the FIRST episode in which I did NOT select the movies I’m about to talk about. 

My family is about to be doubly blessed very very soon as my niece Allison and her husband Orlando are expecting their first child, as are my cousin John and his wife Cara!

To honor these two new additions to the family (and the planet!) we’re going to talk about “Baby Movies” today. 

And, as I mentioned, I had nothing to do with these choices. I just asked my family to submit their favorite movies featuring babies, and this is what I was given.

I am the proud father of two phenomenally wonderful young women who I thought of constantly while I watched these films. I like to think that I did a better job than the hapless dads that populated these movies, but my girls would be a better judge of that.

 

There were three movies on this list that I had never seen, but I screened all 11 to prepare for this episode.

Baby overload may explain why I had an odd dream earlier this week about a baby on an airplane who was attempting to open the emergency door mid-flight. And I was seated next to that emergency door! Very strange!

So here are the 11 baby movies I was given for this project, and they are presented in no particular order.

We’ll start with a sci-fi thriller set in 2027 in a world where women have become infertile. 

You never know what you’ll get when you ask your family for movie suggestions!

Children of Men (2006)

R/109 min/IMDb: 7.9/ directed by Alfonso Cuaron

This is a wild premise when you think about it. What would the world be like if babies suddenly stopped being born?!

Clive Owen plays a man who encounters a miraculously pregnant woman who, as you would imagine, would cause quite a stir in this world of non-pregnancies if she was exposed.

Owen’s character must escort the woman and her unborn child to safety across a bleak and violent landscape.

Good movie, but certainly a bad place for a baby!

Another bad place for a baby? Las Vegas!

The Hangover (2009)

R/100 min/IMDb: 7.7/directed by Todd Phillips

Is The Hangover a “Baby Movie?” Well, if Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then The Hangover belongs on this list!

There’s not a lot of “baby” here, but that’s actually a very good thing as four nitwits go to Vegas for a bachelor party and lose one of those nitwits.

The baby is fun, and the baby’s mom is played by Heather Graham who is as goofy and vacant as ever. 

One of my favorite scenes is when a police officer kicks down the door, gun drawn, yelling, “Shut that baby up!!! Shut that baby up!!!”

Rob Riggle usually makes me laugh. 

The Boss Baby (2017)

PG/97 min/IMDb: 6.3/directed by Tom McGrath

The first of two animated baby movies that were submitted stars Alec Baldwin as a suit wearing baby (stay with me) who teams with his older brother to stop a dastardly plot involving puppies and babies.

This movie is kind of cute and deals with sibling rivalry and a “new” baby getting the majority of the attention, which tends to happen in both the animated and the real world.

The adversarial brothers do team up and work together as siblings often do, which is always nice to see.

Steve Buscemi is the villain with the name Francis Francis (I love that), and Baldwin riffing on his famous Glengarry Glen Ross line by taking a cookie away from his brother and announcing that, “Cookies are for closers” is just gold.

Rugrats in Paris (2000)

G/78 min/IMDb: 6.2/directed by Stig Berkqvist

I never remember my girls watching Rugrats, so I haven’t really seen it. 

I love that, for parents, kid’s shows seem to only “exist” in the years your kids were growing up watching tv. Other than what they watched when THEY were kids, of course. 

Does that even make sense? It made sense to me. 

If your kids never watched “Teletubbies,” you never watched it either. If your kids never watched “Barney,” well, you’re lucky because mine did. It was horrific.

So, since I never remember Dakota or Hannah watching “Rugrats,” I was new to almost all of this.

And it was pretty scary!

What on earth is going on with this bunch of kids?! They’re out of control. 

And the twins?!? Were they based on the twins from The Shining?! They sure gave off that vibe to me. Creepy times two!

All in all, this was a fun adventure involving way too many kids. 

Speaking of WAY too many kids…

Quints (2000)

NR/83 min/IMDb: 5.5/directed by Bill Corcoran

Parts of this were like a horror movie to me! I cannot imagine having to handle 5 babies at the same time in ANY situation.

Being inside mom (that has to be so odd, I mean one must be weird since you have another human inside you, and maybe twins would be a little crowded, but FIVE?!!?), and then the birth where they just must keep coming at a furious pace all queued up and waiting their turn, to then CARING FOR THEM ONCE THEY’RE BORN!?

Are you shitting me?

I have two daughters who were born 1,162 days apart. There was a lot of work to be done when they were little, but Lys and I had 1,162 days in between to regroup.

These kids were arriving fast and furiously.

I had never seen this, and it was fun, and it was SO Disney!

And the breaking of the 4th wall during the entirety of the movie as the 14-year-old sister walks us through stuff was also SO Disney!

Knocked Up (2007)

R/129 min/IMDb:6.9/directed by Judd Apatow

I never liked Katherine Heigl for some reason, but after rewatching the next two movies, I’ve changed my opinion about her. She’s fine, and actually pleasant. 

I’m sure she’ll be delighted to hear that. 

This Judd Apatow comedy is about a one-night stand that produces a baby.

The “comedy” part is that the dad is Seth Rogan, and he’s an absolute mess. He’s a clueless slacker whose business project with his clueless slacker friends (who are funny!) is a porn website that actually already existed.

I’ve always thought that conceiving a baby should be a way more difficult process than it is. There should be some kind of test to pass or something. People like Seth Rogan’s character in this movie should not be able to introduce other humans to the party.

Life as We Know It (2010)

PG-13/114 min/IMDb: 6.5/directed by Greg Berlanti

There’s a sad premise to this film that made me think that Disney was behind it. 

Disney Movies: Where ALL of the Parents Are Dead!

Katherine Heigl is back, co-starring with Josh Duhamel (who I still do not like) as a couple who don’t really know each other but are best friends with a couple who have a baby.

Oh. And then the parents die and legally leave the care of their baby in the hands of this mismatched couple. 

The couple have nothing in common and fight all of the time, but the baby eventually brings them together.

I guess that could happen. I’m not buying it, but I guess it could happen.

Three Men and a Baby (1987)

PG/102 min/IMDb: 6.1/directed by Leonard Nimoy

This is considered an 80’s classic and it’s the only movie on today’s list that was suggested by more than one person!

If you’ve seen this, you may remember it as the story of three swinging single Manhattan bachelors who have a little baby left at their doorstep since one of them is the baby’s father.

But do you remember that the plot of this movie also involves heroin dealers and a criminally negligent mother?!

The sequel should have been about the arrest, trial, sentencing, and imprisonment of the mother!

Who leaves a baby at someone’s doorstep?! Is the baby named Moses?!

The three male characters are stereotypical skirt chasers that are all about scoring with as many “chicks” as possible and that trope is so 80’s and hasn’t aged well at all.

Other than the casual misogyny, the heroin, and the awful mother, this also pointed out that men are supposedly clueless when it comes to caring for babies.

I actually saw that a lot in these 11 movies.

Some of us are actually capable of caring for infants.

Really.

Baby Mama (2008)

PG-13/99 min/IMDb: 6.0/directed by Michael McCullers

Just my opinion, but Amy Poehler and Tina Fey should be in every movie together. They should also host every awards show. They’re awesome together, and it’s natural awesome.

Baby Mama features a clueless Fey who hires a semi-grifter Poehler to have her baby. 

A pregnant in real life Amy Poehler once had a skit on SNL where she was hooking up with James Brolin in a bar as Greg Allman’s “I’m no Angel” played on the jukebox, and it is still one of the funniest SNL skits I have ever seen. 

Anything with Fey and Poehler is worth watching. Guaranteed for several laughs, as is Baby Mama.

Juno (2007)

PG-13/96 min/IMDb: 7.5/directed by Jason Reitman

“Thundercats a GO!” 

It would be nice if we lived in a world where all high school pregnancies were treated like the family in Juno.

Dad J.K. Simmons and stepmom Allison Janney handle the situation with a nurturing and supportive yet sarcastic and snarky attitude which seems totally natural for these characters while being maybe a little unnatural for the real world.

I hadn’t watched this in a long, long time and was glad to see it again.

Elliot Page is absolutely adorable as Juno, and the supporting cast is loveable with the exception of Peter Pan Jason Bateman whose character is just kind of yucky.

This is a sweet movie that deals with teen pregnancy in a positive, non-judgmental way.

Juno is refreshing and reminds you that people can be nice and nice people can have good things. 

Away We Go (2009)

R/98 min/IMDb: 7.0/directed by Sam Mendes

Maya Rudolph and John Krasinski are wonderful together as expecting parents on an adventure looking for the ideal place to live and raise their child.

Along the way they check in with friends and family, all of whom have radically different ideas about how to raise a child. 

Maggie Gyllenhaal plays a mom who is still breastfeeding her kids who are walking and talking, and she also hates strollers. “I love my baby, why would I want to push it away from me?”

There are as many child rearing strategies as there are children in this world.

Lots of these movies showed how clueless new parents are, and they really are! I mean that in a good way! They also had quite a few scenes showing how bad selfish parents are. They’re just terrible. 

You can prep all you want, you can read all the books you want, but it won’t matter. When that sweet little human joins your family, everything totally changes in your life from that point on.

No book can prepare you for that.

I can honestly say that my life is so much better because of my daughters, Dakota and Hannah. I can also say that I am a better person because of them.

They make me proud to be their father every single day. Thank you for that, sweeties!

Well, that’s a wrap here at Cinema Wellman as we await the two new arrivals to the Cinema Wellman family!

We hope you join us again next week. Oscar nominations are being announced next week, so we’ll go through the list in an episode we’re calling, “And the nominees are…”

Hope to see you then, and, until then…take care.