Which Was Worse 6
Holiday Edition: The Worst of the Magi
Hello and welcome to Cinema Wellman, and its once again time to play Which Was Worse?!
It’s our 6th WWW? episode, and since it’s December, we’re going to unwrap three really bad Christmas themed horror movies to decide…
WHICH WAS WORSE? It’s the Holiday Edition: The Worst of the Magi!
How bad are today’s holiday treats? Well, their combined score on IMDb is 11.5! That’s an average of 3.8 per movie, so we knew what to expect when we opened these packages.
We would have been better off with coal.
As has become the procedure for our WWW? episodes, I will rely on my “live notes” I took as I watched each film. They were all watched consecutively on the same day which made for quite a mess at Cinema Wellman.
We will also once again use our Official Cinema Wellman WWW? rubric to help us keep track of the ineptitude.
The Official "Which Was Worse?" Rubric
Each indiscretion listed will result in a -1 unless otherwise noted. We will be tallying up the score, and, as always, please…no wagering.
We will begin today with a film that somehow escaped being sued by everyone who ever loved Dr. Seuss.
The Mean One (2022)
R/93 m/IMDb: 3.8/dir. Steven LaMorte
“Slashing Through the Snow”
*Rubric results: Story -1, Acting -2, Effects 1, Self-Awareness 1, Effort 1. A surprising total of ZERO going into the lightning round. Unprecedented!
*There are all sorts of Dr. Seuss things going on here, including the rhyme scheme. How on earth did they not get sued?!? He looks EXACTLY LIKE THE GRINCH!
*The Mean One (he’s never referred to as the Grinch) savagely murders a ton of people in a diner. He puts a woman in a meat grinder, and she fits in it! What kind of diner meat grinder has an opening big enough to fit a human?!?! (-2)
*In a bar, a patron says, “He’s a mean one, that mister…” and then the bartender interrupts by yelling, “Finch! Call for Mike Finch!” (+1)
*It’s not “Who-ville,” it’s “New-ville,” I still say it should have been “Sue-ville.”
*The montage of Cindy Lou training to be a Grinch-killing assassin almost worked. (+1)
*So, this story must exist in a universe where the story “How the Grinch Stole Christmas” does NOT exist. If that’s not the case, everyone would be telling the authorities, “You ever read that story, or see that Grinch cartoon? That’s what he looks like. He looks exactly like that guy!” (-3)
*It’s pretty gruesome, actually. (-2)
*I guess the town fathers made a deal with the Mean One, and once they broke it, he started eating people?
*Cindy Lou is about to kill him, but she shows him compassion causing his heart to grow “three sizes that day.” Unfortunately, it also caused his heart to explode. I don’t make this stuff up; I just watch it and tell you about it.
The Mean One finishes with a total of -9 which is a bit of a surprise. Let’s see how a movie about a killer snowman does in comparison.
Jack Frost (1997)
R/89 m/IMDb: 4.7/dir. Michael Cooney
“He’s Chillin’...and Killin’!”
*Rubric results: Story -3, Acting -2, Effects -2, Self-Awareness -1, Effort 0. A total of -8 going into the lightning round. That’s more like it!
*IMDb: “Serial killer is genetically mutated in a car wreck on the way to his execution, after which he becomes a murdering snowman hellbent on revenge for the sheriff who caught him.”
*Shannon Elizabeth?! Poor Shannon Elizabeth. (-2)
*The cast and crew names appear on ornaments on a Christmas tree in the open. Well done, but I’m sure they stole that bit.
*The story being told over the opening credits is better than anything resembling a story in this movie.
*They’re transferring a convicted killer to his execution through a raging blizzard?! (-2)
*On that same road is a van filled with some kind of genetic toxin. Fill in the blanks, and you’ve written THIS screenplay! (-3)
*The van is labeled, “State Execution Transfer Van.” (-4)
*They’re having a Snowman Building Festival, and there is ZERO snow in sight! It appears to be 85 degrees and sunny.
*Guy makes a “Snow Babe'' complete with large snow breasts. That’s pretty much what we’re dealing with here. (-2)
*Who makes a snowman with HUMAN ARMS?!? (-3)
*Jack kills a guy by shoving an ax HANDLE down the guy’s throat.
*Snowman is able to melt and then refreeze himself anywhere. Including a nasty sequence in Shannon Elizabeth’s bathtub. (-2)
*Jack strangles a woman with a string of Christmas lights, an ornament is shoved in her mouth, AND she’s put face first into a box of ornaments before being placed on the tree. Not bad. (+2)
*The snowman’s supposedly funny remarks, especially after a kill, are easily the worst part of this terrible mess. (-3)
*The other movies may have been worse, but this is easily the dumbest. The snowman drives a car, for Pete’s sake. (-2)
*A map is shown on screen several times that misspells the word cemetery. (-5)
*Someone tries to kill the snowman with an ICE PICK!
*” Who are you?!?! “The world’s most pissed off snow cone.”
*Shannon Elizabeth’s character dries her hair with a blow drier and then gets directly into the tub and submerges herself in the tub…which is filled with the SNOWMAN water!
*And the carrot is in between her legs. Sigh. (-3)
*There’s what seems to be a snowman rape scene in this. I really wasn’t sure what I was looking at. Whatever it was, it was quite distressing. (-10)
*The snowman can be stopped with…heat? I did NOT see that coming! The snowman kills an awful lot of people before someone thinks of the heat angle.
*Jack Frost gets inside a guy who then wanders onto the street and VOMITS him out onto the sidewalk! (-3)
*They keep changing what affects the snowman and what doesn’t. It’s stunning. Did anyone read this screenplay?!
Jack Frost has easily “out-worsted” The Mean One with a final score of -60. All deserved there, Frosty.
Okay, one more Holiday Horror film to go before we determine Which Was Worse?!
Santa Claws (1996)
R/83 m/IMDb: 3.0/dir. John A. Russo
“His Slay Bells are Ringing!”
*Rubric results: Story -2, Acting -3, Effects -3, Self-Awareness 0, Effort -1. A total of -9 which is the top score so far going into the lightning round.
*This begins with a scene in which a creepy guy doses a kid’s hot cocoa so he can sleep with the kid’s mom. “I bet you never made it with Santa.” Ho Ho Gross! (-2)
*IMDb: “A B-horror movie actress is stalked by a deranged fan bent on claiming her for himself.” IMDb’s trivia for this film includes, “The character Raven Quinn is loosely based on actress Brinke Stevens.” I’m sorry….who?
*At one point, Raven knocks out the killer with a cardboard box labeled “Fragile.” She then kills him instantly with his own garden tool. I’m sorry. Did I just spoil the ending? You’re welcome. (-2)
*There’s a movie within a movie, and it’s titled Scream Queen Christmas. “The camera is your lover, baby.” Was Harvey Weinstein involved in this? (-3)
*There are a lot of nude, dancing women in this. One of them is a worse dancer than I am. Nude, clothed, or semi-dressed. That you should never see! (-2)
*The sex scenes are so sterile, and, to make it worse, there’s not a natural breast to be seen. Cinema Wellman does not abide by remakes of any kind. Originals win out every time. (-2)
*” Do you ever think you’ll go back to zoology?” That line was delivered with a straight face.
*The acting is positively atrocious; the best performance is delivered by an 11-year-old girl.
*You know those little three-pronged garden tools?
THAT’S THE CLAW in SANTA CLAWS! I think it would be pretty difficult to kill someone with one of those. It’s certainly not instantaneous, as it is in this movie. (-2)
*Music must have been written and recorded by a friend of someone on the crew. So bad and misplaced. The music didn’t match the genre at all. (-2)
*The killer digs a grave for two people in the middle of the winter. In the snow. Ever try to dig a hole in the winter? (-2)
*More kids get dosed with hot cocoa! “I think this will make you sleep like a log.” Later on, the kids can’t be revived, but NOBODY calls for help! (-5)
*I actually said this aloud while watching, “Is this a rehearsal?”
*I also said, “Shit…is this Pittsburgh? I like Pittsburgh.”
*There is full frontal nudity for no reason at all. A young woman is shown changing. Then she takes a shower, and then she takes a bath? That didn’t really happen, did it? I think it did. (-4)
*Mistletoe G-strings! (+2) I mean, (-2!), of course.
*83-minute runtime, 48 of which were young girls removing Santa/elf/holiday outfits. (-3)
A total of -45 which is shocking to me! I absolutely thought that Santa Claws was the worst of the Holiday Trio, but the rubric does not lie!
Jack Frost is officially the worst of this smelly stocking, but you really can’t go right with any of them. All gross, offensive, and not worth your time.
We hope you enjoy these “Which Was Worse?” episodes because we love them, and we’re going to do three more next season!
First up will be Slotherhouse vs. Llamageddeon! I can’t wait for that!
Well, that’s a wrap here at Cinema Wellman for “WWW6.” We hope to see you right back here next week as we take a look at the Cinema Wellman Holiday Wish List!
If you have anything you wish movies would either start or stop doing, please let us know. Send us an email at cinemawellman@gmail.com, or just text me since most of you have me in your contacts. :) Thank you to those who have already “mailed” Santa Wellman their letters.
Good luck with the rest of your holiday shopping, hope to see you next week.
Until then, take care.
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