Cinema Wellman July Screenings: Best & Worst
Total Films Screened in July: 56
2023 Total: 503
Current All-Time Total: 8,543
Race to #10,000: 1,457 to go!
Hello and welcome to Cinema Wellman! Another month is in the books, so that means it’s time for the Best & Worst of our July screenings here at the cinema.
Hard to believe that summer is half over already! I hope you’ve been enjoying the weather and staying safe in the extreme heat. I never have to worry about extreme heat because it’s always dark and cool in Cinema Wellman.
Let’s get going and begin where we usually do…with the worst of the month!
Since we didn’t watch L’Aventura this month, we’ll begin with…
The Phynx (1970)
GP/81 m/IMDb: 4.4
If you’re old enough to remember the 70s, you remember how strange a time it was. Lots of revolution going on, along with lots of sex, drugs, and rock n’ roll.
Apparently, a good portion of those drugs were being used during the production of this absolute mess of a motion picture.
I sat through 81 minutes of this “movie,” and I’m still not quite sure what it was that I saw.
You know how sometimes famous people show up in movies as themselves? These cameos can be kind of fun, but in small doses, and the famous people have to be, you know…famous.
Here is a list of cameo appearances in The Phynx:
Edgar Bergen
Busby Berkeley
Dick Clark
Xavier Cugat
Leo Gorcey
Huntz Hall
Georgie Jessell
Ruby Keeler
Dorothy Lamour
Guy Lombardo
Pat O’Brien
Maureen O’Sullivan
And
Richard Pryor?
Keep in mind that this movie was made in 1970, not 1950 when many of those people were popular. In this mess they just seemed out of place, and in some cases, highly medicated.
Odd Job, from the 007 movies, played by Harold Sakata, also makes an appearance. He looks as confused as Huntz Hall.
IMDb takes a shot at the “plot”: “A rock band becomes embroiled in foreign affairs when they’re sent to go on tour in Albania as a cover to find hostages in a remote castle held by Communist enemies of the U.S.”
Yep. That’s about it. And it’s a lot worse than it sounds.
Oh, and The Phynx is the name of the band. Now you really don’t need to see it!
Super Mario Bros. (1993)
PG/104 m/IMDb: 4.1
Were there no animated movies in 1993? Was it not possible to cartoon in 1993?
I know the answers to these questions, but I bring them up only because this movie ISN’T A CARTOON and clearly should have been.
How on earth was a live action version of this video game greenlit?!
And how do you choose Bennie Blanco and Mr. Smee to play Luigi and Mario?!?
John Leguizamo made this garbage the same year he made Carlito’s Way!! What a turnaround! Kind of like a, “I made it to the big time and worked with Pacino” quickly followed by “My career is over!!” thing.
The movie’s poster boasts “This Ain’t No Game.” It’s no movie either.
Let’s see if IMDb can make sense of this. “Two Brooklyn plumbers, Mario and Luigi, must travel to another dimension to rescue a princess from the evil dictator King Koopa and stop him from taking over the world.”
Nope. Still sounds exactly like the game. The game was great, this movie was shite. If you’d like a Super Mario Bros. fix, play the game!
Good thing they don’t make movies out of video games anymore.
Wait, what?!!
What could be worse than this? Well, the movie that has been judged to be the very worst of July!
Starcrash (1978)
PG/92 m/IMDb: 4.0
I’ve always been reluctant about those “So bad it’s good movie lists.” The reason being that it’s a pretty fine line on which to teeter.
With dialogue like “Kill! Kill! Over There!” Starcrash will never be confused with…well…anything else really since it’s so oddly bad.
Since when is outer space so colorful? I wasn’t sure if I was looking at space or a closeup of someone’s Christmas tree. Was I on acid?
There’s a cyborg with a Texas accent! Why does that happen? How does that happen? I have questions!
David Hasselhoff made a movie with Christopher Plummer! It’s this one! And Marjoe Gortner! And, I’m guessing, a lot of cocaine!
This is an Italian production that is so poorly dubbed it belongs on Channel 56’s “Martial Arts Theater.” Comically awful.
The effects are horrendous, and it came out a year AFTER Star Wars!!!
My favorite part of Starcrash, and it almost saved it from “Worst” status, is that there were missiles filled with SOLDIERS fired from one spaceship through space and then through the hull of another spaceship. The missile then OPENS UP and the soldiers come out fighting.
Maybe I was on acid.
Before shifting gears and talking about good movies, I wanted to take a minute to condemn an entire genre because I’m sick of sitting through boring garbage.
No, not Romantic Comedies! I’ve already gone on record with my hatred of that fluffy sewage. Most of those are “forced viewing” since they were Oscar nominees (many for the dreaded Best Original Song award!).
The new genre in my sights is the “Period Piece.” I realize that’s not really a genre per se, but it is a thing!
And I hate that thing.
Now officially in 2nd place in the “Red Alert If the Only Oscar Nomination Is in This Category” is Best Costume Design!
Don’t get me wrong. I have great respect for costume designers. I also have great respect for composers. What I hate is when their great talents are wasted in otherwise horseshit movies.
I mention this because the worst list for July would have included six movies instead of three if I counted the three period pieces of crap I spent what seemed to be 18 hours watching.
I would have mentioned them separately, but they all really seemed like the same exact movie. It was long. It was boring. The costumes kicked ass.
So, what was good in July? I’m glad you asked. There were, in fact, six films worth noting.
The Luckiest Guy in the World (1947)
P/21 m/IMDb: 6.9
This Oscar nominated short was part of the long and successful “Crime Does Not Pay” 2-reel series. It was actually the last installment of this long running series.
Tw0-reels were shorts that you got to see at the movie theater before the feature. I remember my mother telling me about going to the movies and seeing a cartoon, newsreel, 2-reeler (or B-movie), and a feature! All for some ungodly sum of a quarter. I may be imagining the part about the popcorn and soda being included in that total. That’s probably too good to be true.
The “Crime Does Not Pay” series always featured stories about people getting involved with crime, and it “not working out” in the end.
Hence the name of the series.
This episode centered on gambling and a degen gambler who is stealing from his company to feed his habit.
He then goes on a wild winning streak, and it appears that his life is headed in the right direction!
You know it doesn’t end like that, right? Remember the title of the series.
I’ve seen a bunch of episodes in this series, and they're usually pretty good. Decent stars and good production value. This one reminded me of a “Twilight Zone” ending. That’s always good!
Our next film goes…
Inside the Mind of a Cat (2022)
PG/67 m/IMDb: 6.9
I am not a cat owner. I’ve owned cats in the past (or the people I lived with owned cats), and I like cats, but I am not a cat owner.
Even though I don’t have a cat of my own (any future cat to be named Chairman Meow), I love to hang out with and play with cats belonging to friends and family.
I’ve always been fascinated by cats and their personalities. At times they really don’t seem to give a damn if you live or die. I kind of like that in a pet.
This Netflix documentary is fantastic, and it explains a TON of cat behavior that I’ve been misinterpreting all these years.
I always thought I was boring my sister’s cat because he’d get all squinty eyed and slow blinky while I was petting him. Turns out that he likes me. He’s not bored. He’s a fan! Who knew?
I also love how cats can just be sitting around relaxing and all of a sudden, they MUST BE SOMEWHERE ELSE!!! They never seem to do much of anything, and yet they are urgently needed elsewhere! The documentary explains this and many other curiosities of our fine feline friends.
They DO recognize their own names, they DO love you (as much as dogs), they ARE loyal to their masters. They just have a different way of showing it.
If you love cats, you’ll love this documentary. It kind of made me want to get a cat.
For about 67 minutes.
Banksy Does New York (2014)
NR/79 m/IMDb: 7.2
There are a total of three documentaries on the “Best of List” this month, but you’ve come to expect that from Cinema Wellman. Truth is stranger than fiction, after all.
I am a huge fan of the guerilla artist Banksy and have followed his career for close to two decades. I love how he creates art in the middle of a seemingly busy city that goes unnoticed until the day after. Then, suddenly, it’s, “Did you see that Banksy?!? On the wall of the deli?!”
Banksy’s art is controversial at times since he can be very political. And nobody really knows exactly who he is. There are tons of theories, and I saw an entire documentary about that.
I love the ideas he expresses in simple black and white. He sometimes uses red, but he’s mostly black and white when he paints.
This is the third documentary I’ve watched about Banksy, and they’re all quite different. They’re all also very, very good.
This film chronicles a “residency” that Banksy had in New York City in October of 2013.
Every day, for 31 straight days, a Banksy popped up somewhere in the city. They weren’t all paintings on walls, some of these were full blown multimedia pieces of art.
Remember those dioramas you made for your teachers in middle school. Now think of those, life-sized, and made by Banksy! While I’m at it, do a Google search for “Dismaland.” It’s a “Bemusement” Park built by Banksy, and I’d love to go there someday. What he created there will give you an idea of some of the pieces he displayed in New York.
The pieces of art are fascinating in and of themselves, but this documentary shines because it features the “reaction” of the city every day as a new Banksy is “revealed.”
I was horrified to see that quite a few were tagged or painted over by other “artists” as soon as they were spotted. To me, this is purposeful destruction and vandalism of a piece of art.
This is why we can’t have nice things.
Well, we have some nice things, including this and other documentaries about Banksy! And also, Banksy themselves, of course. Thank you for your art!
Belly (1998)
R/96 m/IMDb: 6.2
As you know, we watch anything here in Cinema Wellman. It’s part of the fun, actually.
Being willing to watch everything means that you’re open to all types of films. It means that you’re interested in things outside of your little corner of the world. It means that you’re willing to watch movies for which you were not the intended demographic. I’m also that way with music.
On Spotify, I’m in the top 4% of all TOOL listeners. That makes total sense, I’m definitely in that demographic. I’m also in the top 13% of all Taylor Swift listeners, and I’m not even close to being in any of those demographics.
Works with music, works with movies. Take chances, listen/watch outside of your comfort zone. You’ll be happy you did.
Belly was recommended to me by a work friend who has since moved back to Pittsburgh. I thank him for the recommendation and wish him well upon his return home.
He grew up in the projects in Pittsburgh and made me a list of movies to see that, in his opinion, capture what it’s like to live in an urban, and sometimes volatile, environment.
I was quite impressed with Belly and its director, Hype Williams. The cast is also impressive even though it doesn’t feature too many known “actors.”
Rappers Nas and DMX play the leads, and several other musicians are cast in supporting roles. This certainly adds authenticity to the story. We’re not talking Oscar worthy performances, but everyone was very solid in this, as was the story of two young friends involved in organized crime and drug dealing.
Director Williams, who usually directs music videos, creates a stylized setting full of glitz, money, cars, and women that’s also set against poverty and crime.
Belly would not have been on my radar if it wasn’t for Mike’s recommendation. I’m already looking forward to the other films on his list.
Barbershop (2002)
PG-13/102 m/IMDb: 6.3
I watched this on a total whim and was pleasantly surprised at how much I enjoyed it. I’m a fan of Cedric the Entertainer’s CBS sitcom The Neighborhood, and since he’s in Barbershop, I decided to sit in the chair.
Ice Cube is the lead, and I have gone on record that he can act a bit, so I was curious to see if he could carry a movie.
I understand the cultural significance of the barbershop to the black community. The barbershop is often one of the centers of the neighborhood and is home to a lot of talk (on a variety of subjects), a lot of good-natured trash talking, and a lot of love.
I don’t have a need for a barbershop anymore, but if I did, I’d want to go to one like the one Ice Cube runs in Barbershop.
I liked this so much I watched the sequel! Notice that that didn’t make the list.
You can’t win them all.
And that leaves us with the “Best” movie that we screened here at Cinema Wellman in the month of July!
High Noon on the Waterfront (2022)
PG/14 m/IMDb: 7.7
If you’re a regular consumer, or even an occasional consumer of things Cinema Wellman, you know that when it comes to new movies, we seek originality. We are not interested in sequels. We are not interested in any series or “verse.” Show us something new.
When you’ve seen close to 8,000 movies that bar may seem to be set too high, but it’s really not.
The problem is many studios don’t give shit one about originality. All they care about is money. I get that. It’s their money. I can’t speak to that. I don’t have any.
This was so unique that I’ll let IMDb handle the synopsis before adding my two cents: “An inventive remembrance of the impact of the Hollywood blacklist on two American classics, rendered as a visually mesmerizing dialogue between Carl Foreman and Elia Kazan.”
We’ve talked about the House Un-American Activity Committee and the blacklist that followed. Some people went before the committee and named names (Elia Kazan, Walt Disney) while others refused to name names (Carl Foreman).
I had seen High Noon and On the Waterfront, but I had no idea that these films were allegories for the writer (of High Noon) and the director (of On the Waterfront) about their experiences with HUAC and the fallout.
While the visuals consist of clips of both of these films, the audio is 100% the words of Carl Foreman and Elia Kazan. Foreman is voiced by Edward Norton, Kazan by John Turturro.
Listening to both of these men explain their side of the story was fascinating. I could see merit in both sides of the argument, but I ended up on the same side of this issue as I’ve always been.
This very short (14 minutes) documentary is a must see for any fan of film history, or American history for that matter.
That’s a wrap for Cinema Wellman’s Best & Worst of the month of July! Thanks for joining us here on YouTube or Spotify or if you read the blog at cinemawellman.com
We love that you’re consuming Cinema Wellman no matter how you’re doing it.
We hope you’re back next week when we’ll be doing an episode we’re going to call “Welcome to Camp Wellman!”
We hope you’ll join us for that!
Until then, take care.
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