May Screenings: Best & Worst

                      May Screenings: Best & Worst

Hello and welcome back to Cinema Wellman! I am your host David, and today I’m feeling good about a format change we recently made. 

A couple of months ago, we switched our monthly screenings rundown from a “Top 10/Bottom 5” to a “Best & Worst” for a variety of reasons; the main one being I’m working again, and I am no longer able to watch 75-80 movies a month. Fewer screenings translate into fewer quality films to recognize and tell you about. But it doesn’t seem to affect the number of bombs, though. I think I’ll always have a full complement of those each and every month, and this month is no exception. 

We screened just over 50 films this month, and a vast majority of them were summed up in a word; “meh!” Possibly because I continue to roll through older movies that were Oscar nominated, but otherwise forgettable.

But we’re really never here to talk about “meh” movies, so let's get to those Best & Worst lists! We will start where we always do, and that’s at the bottom. And May had quite a bottom!

I actually want to start with four movies that DIDN’T make the Worst List! If I included all four, this month would be quite uneven! Can’t have that!

Here’s a glimpse into what got cut this month: 

Whoopee!, a racially insensitive movie from 1930, failed to make the list even though it featured awful jokes, bad songs, blackface, and just about every other racial stereotype you can think of. I’ve talked about an awful lot of these types of movies in the “Bottom/Worst” category lately, and thought I’d take a month off. Unfortunately, I’m sure I’ll find something similar very soon.

In Fabric (2018) didn’t make the list even though it was about a killer DRESS!!! Yes. It’s as bad as it sounds. 

I also didn’t include Atlantis: The Lost Continent (1961) a laughably bad film due mostly to horrible FX! The villain uses a laser that makes him seem like Tim the Enchanter from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. When he gets shot with his own device, the bad guy gets turned into a skeleton. A MEDICAL SKELETON!!! You could actually see the little metal hook that keeps the top of the skull attached!! 

The Caddy (1953) was also excluded even though it starred Jerry Lewis AT HIS WORST!!!

After those four certified bombs, you may find yourself wondering what could possibly be worse! What DID make the list?!?!

Well…buckle up, because here we go.

Air Panic (2002)

I’m going to start with a movie that was at least entertaining. I was reminded of our “Which Was Worse?” episodes since Air Panic is definitely in that realm. This was trashy fun, and I knew exactly what it was from the start, so it was kind of “Fun Bad.”

Air Panic was a birthday gift from my new work friends, and it was chosen in the hope that it would be “bad” entertainment. It did NOT disappoint!

This movie starts with a passenger airliner crashing into downtown Denver and destroying the entire city! It ends with trouble at the airport in Baltimore, so the cities they chose to mess with certainly got my attention.

The bad guy is an evil genius with a cut rate “Phantom of the Opera” disfigurement who has a beef with the airline featured in the movie. He has somehow figured out a way to control passenger airliners IN FLIGHT with a JOYSTICK! He can also see and hear everything going on in the plane. At one point someone on board calls him a lunatic and they show him move the joystick and put the plane into a freefall.

All of the FX were pretty dismal, but my favorite was when one plane was taking off while another plane was landing on the same runway! They almost touched each other. I’m no aviation expert, but I think wind shear would have destroyed both of those planes in pretty quick fashion.

Second favorite horrible FX would have to be when the emergency door was opened mid-flight and a passenger and a flight attendant were hanging on to the plane on the OUTSIDE! They actually climbed back into the plane and closed the door. As CinemaSins would say, “They survived this.”

Air Panic was made around the time of 9/11, so the DVD case carries a disclaimer warning that the images in this film could be disturbing to some viewers. I think the case should have warned that EVERYONE who watches this movie will be disturbed, but it will have nothing to do with 9/11.

Songwriter (1984) & Yes, Giorgio (1982)

I’m going to make a statement about BOTH of these movies to start off. 

Willie Nelson’s acting is actually the best part of these two movies. Just think about that for a second.

I lumped both of these movies together because they’re kind of the same film on the surface. Films about singers that cast singers who can sing but not act. Willie Nelson plays Doc Jenkins in Songwriter. Doc is fed up with the music industry and wants to get back at the agent who ripped him off. Helping him out is Blackie Buck, played by another singer turned actor Kris Kristofferson. Kristofferson once earned an “And Introducing…” credit, so he may be mentioned in a future episode of that series.

In Yes, Giorgio, opera great Luciano Pavarotti plays opera singer Giorgio Fini. Giorgio loses his voice and falls in love with his throat specialist. Does that sound like an interesting movie to you? Pavarotti’s acting ability is hard to describe since he’s an opera singer who isn’t convincing at all playing an opera singer. 

I’m all for casting athletes as athletes and singers as singers as long as they can also act a little. That should be a prerequisite, and I guess it’s not. The only thing I was rooting for with both of these movies was for them to end; they didn’t end soon enough.

Paradox (2018)

Actress Daryl Hannah directs rock star boyfriend Neil Young in this unwatchable experiment of a film. This looks like a well-funded student film that doesn’t know which genre it wants to be when it grows up. Pick a lane. 

We’re there ever two-seater outhouses?! Was that a thing? I should research that. I ask because there’s not one, there’s not two, but there are THREE scenes featuring conversations between two filthy cowboys sitting next to each other in a two-seater. And take my word for it, the conversations were not interesting at all. 

This entire thing looks like a movie a guy’s girlfriend made after someone handed her a lot of money. 

Jonathan Livingston Seagull (1973)

Pretentious gullshit. Some of the scenery is pretty, but when “Jonathan” starts whispering 12 minutes in with gems like, “Why can’t I fly?” this thing goes down like someone fed it a lit firecracker. 

I remember this being a big deal when it came out. I never read the book on which it was based, but it has to be better than this nonsense. There were points during this screening that I actually couldn’t believe what I was seeing. I was also wondering why it was a movie in the first place. 

I was yelling at this film to just end and put me out of my misery, but Jonathan droned on and on for the full 99 minutes. He’s the most boring seagull in the history of seagulls. 

I hated this movie so much that I thought it was a LOCK to be deemed the WORST screened here at Cinema Wellman in May. That is before I watched this next mess on the final day of the month!

Shanks (1974)

What an unpleasant surprise this was! I was not expecting the need for a rewrite of the Worst List on May 31st, and yet here we are. 

French mime (And I’m sure I could stop there, and you could figure out why this was so terrible) Marcel Marceau plays Malcolm Shanks. 

From IMDb: A mute puppeteer uses a deceased scientist’s invention to control dead bodies like puppets.

And it’s actually a LOT worse than it sounds! Marceau may be able to mime his way out of an invisible box, but he can’t act his way out of a wet paper sack. 

Worse yet, HE PLAYS TWO ROLES in this “movie”!!!!

The only reason this was watched was because of an Oscar nomination for Best Music. The sad thing is that the music was actually quite good and probably deserved that nomination. It’s funny to think that anything good could be part of a film this bad. That may be an interesting future episode right there!

I was hoping that one of the puppets was a prison inmate and shanked Shanks with a homemade shank. Unfortunately, that did not happen. 

Enough of all that badness, let’s look at the Best of May!

Seeing Red (1983)

This documentary was fascinating to me. It looks at the political activities of the American Communist Party during the early to mid-twentieth century. 

You may remember me mentioning on an earlier episode that I had to agree, in writing, to not teach the “Communist Doctrine” in my classroom as a rookie teacher in Hudson, New Hampshire back in 1988. I lived through a good portion of the Cold War, and I’m quite familiar with Communism and Communists.

I also have never met a member of the Communist Party, American or otherwise. 

This documentary features interviews with actual members of the American Communist Party who talk about their beliefs in an intelligent and compassionate way. The things they were hoping to achieve didn’t sound evil at all to me listening with my 2023 ears. It actually sounded better than the system we’re currently working with in many ways. 

To hear propaganda films using words like, “lying, dirty, shrewd, godless, and murderous” to describe American Communists reminded me of how the Nazis described their enemies in the 30s & 40s.

I’m not saying I’d like to see America adopt Communism, I’m just saying that this film was an eye opener and another reminder that Americans, at heart, are afraid of pretty much everything that’s not 100% “American” in their minds. There’s some nasty business at the heart of this. Americans being ugly toward other Americans, which is something we’re unfortunately used to. 

Brooklyn Bridge (1981)

Full disclosure: I am a HUGE fan of Ken Burns documentaries. I loved The Civil War (1990), Baseball (1994), The War (2007), The National Parks (2009), and Prohibition (2011). In 2012, I saw that he did a documentary about The Dust Bowl. When I heard about this, I was dumbfounded. How could that possibly be interesting? Why would he lend his amazing talents to chronicle a dust storm? Well, I’m here to tell you that it’s amazing and it’s as interesting as any of his other docs. 

This film, Brooklyn Bridge, was made BEFORE any of those, and watching it was a preview to the genius that I would enjoy for 42 years now. 

This documentary was packed with information (using the now famous first person accounts that Burns’ docs are known for) about one of the most iconic bridges in the United States.

Did you know that construction of the Brooklyn Bridge began in 1869? For those of you keeping score at home, that’s just FIVE YEARS after the end of the Civil War! 

It was the first suspension bridge to use steel for its cables, it was the first bridge to use explosive in a dangerous underwater device called a caisson, and at the time it was built it was the longest suspension bridge in the world.

If you’re interested in New York City, bridges, architecture, or Ken Burns’ films, this is a must see. Amazing facts and footage. 

The File on Thelma Jordon (1949)

The trailer for this film (and trailers were extremely different than they are today) features large print headlines on the screen reading, “When a woman like Thelma Jordon goes wrong, she goes ALL THE WAY!”

From IMDb: “Assistant district attorney Cleve Marshall falls for the mysterious Thelma Jordon when she seeks help solving the robberies of her aunt’s estate.”

This movie is an under the radar film noir starring friend of Cinema Wellman Barbara Stanwyck in the title role. The great character actor Wendell Corey plays the sap DA who Thelma has wrapped around her conniving fingers. 

Robert Siodmak directed, and the incomparable Edith Head (8-time Oscar winner!) was the costumer. I actually decided to DVR and watch this based on Stanwyk, Siodmak, and Edith Head alone. Can’t go wrong there. 

This is an excellent example of film noir, so if you’re a fan, seek out Thelma. But be careful! She is not to be trifled with!

Beat Street (1984)

I am always looking for suggestions of movies to watch that aren’t Oscar nominated (I’ll get to those eventually) or current films making the rounds. 

My new job lends itself to a lot of chatter during the day with 10 of us in one big room, and many times the chatter is movie chatter.

Beat Street was recommended to me by one of my new work friends who grew up in Pittsburgh, PA. He told me that this film was an accurate portrayal of what things were like growing up in an urban setting, especially when it comes to music, dancing, fashion, etc. Since movies are always a reflection of their time, and I was told this was an accurate reflection, I was all in. 

IMDb’s synopsis: “An aspiring DJ, from the South Bronx, and his best friend, a promoter, try to get into show business by exposing people to hip-hop music and culture.”

Most of the dancing shown in the film is breakdancing which I haven’t seen for quite a while. It was great fun watching the break-dancers in this movie do their stuff on that piece of cardboard on the street. Amazing athletic ability is needed to dance like that. 

The film solidifies its authenticity by casting actual young people who were break-dancers or involved in the hip-hop world at the time. Because of this, the acting isn’t stellar, but it’s absolutely real. And the fact that they also perform the dancing and music (without the need for obvious body doubles) makes this entertaining from start to finish. 

A big thank you to Mike for the suggestion. He is now 1-1 in movie recommendations, and just this week he gave me a list of others to watch. I’m already sorting out where to find them. 

And the Best movie screened here at Cinema Wellman in the merry month of May was…

Matinee (1993)

The most surprising thing about this comedy/love letter to sci-fi movies and the early 60s is that I had never seen it!

Joe Dante directed it. I had seen seven of his movies and liked some of them, so that’s a positive. Matinee stars John Goodman. I like John Goodman. I was never a big fan of “Roseanne,” but I’ve liked him in other projects, especially The Big Lebowski, and O’ Brother Where Art Thou? So that’s another positive. In this film, Goodman plays a small-time movie producer who brings his sci-fi film, Mant, to Key West, Florida during the Cuban Missile Crisis. Check, check, check. All positives. 

So how did I miss this?!

I honestly have no idea, but I’m glad I finally caught it. In an odd twist, Goodman plays real life director William Castle who directed the Worst film this month, Shanks! You can’t make that up!

Castle was famous for in-theater stunts that made the filmgoing experience immersive. For one of his movies, The Tingler, he had the theater seats wired with electricity and shocked patrons during pivotal parts of the movie. This is just one of the many Castle facts incorporated in this extremely fun trip in the Time Machine back to the early 60s.

The film-within-the-film, Mant, looks hysterical as well! Too bad that was never made.

Well, that’s a wrap for Cinema Wellman’s Best & Worst Screenings in May! Lots to avoid, and some to check out!

Join us next week for an episode that has yet to be decided. There’s a future episode that requires a lot of re-screenings that may take a couple of weeks so I’m thinking it may be time for Which Was Worse? 4. Those are always great fun, and I hope you’ll come back for it.

Until then…take care.