Saturday, December 31, 2022

The Best and Worst of 2022

The Best and Worst of 2022


        It's once again that time of year when we are bombarded with list after list after list of the best and the worst of absolutely everything you can possibly imagine. We get them from anyone and everyone and they cover topics such as food, fashion, television, and of course, movies. 
        We here at Cinema Wellman thought we'd jump into the ring and give our three cents worth and take a quick rundown of what stood out during the past year. 
        The final statistical breakdown is not yet available, but let's just say that we saw an awful lot of movies here in the cinema in 2022. Some were phenomenal, some were dreadful, others I forgot ten minutes after the closing credits. That's the way things usually work when you tend to watch so many movies. 
        Here are just some thoughts as we close out 2022. It's the Best and Worst of Cinema Wellman!

        Let's start with the best!

        *If you're a frequent visitor to Cinema Wellman, you know we love to watch documentaries here! Truth tends to be stranger than fiction as the saying goes. We screened 158 documentaries this year including both shorts and feature length docs. 
        I've already mentioned how much I loved Prater and Coney Island, and a great third film for a triple feature of amusement park docs would be Class Action Park. That was just bananas.




        From Cinema Wellman's March Screenings blog:

        "One of the first things I did while watching this documentary was text people I grew up with. I asked if they remembered Action Park in New Jersey or the commercials. Most did and mentioned that the place looked insane. This was essentially a water park run by teenagers that pushed its visitors to the limits of safety and good judgment. 
        Zero oversight. No rules. Very little concern for safety. Well, it was the 80s...
        If you needed to be rescued by one of the lifeguards during your visit they put a wristband on you and sent you back in the water. On that wristband they wrote, "C.F.S." which stood for "Can't Fucking Swim." Amazing!
        It does get grim in the second half when they start to get into the number of people that actually died there without much being done about it. The guy that owned the park was a notorious douchebag who only cared about money and not people. 
        The wave pool was so large and could fit so many people that they had to stop it every 15 minutes or so to "look for bodies."
        I plan on watching this again at some point. It's a great little peek into what the time was like and how nobody really gave a rat's ass for your safety."
        

        I can't imagine what that place must have been like back in the day. Glad I never went, that's for sure!

        *We also love our foreign movies here at Cinema Wellman, and 2022 was no exception. 141 foreign films were screened from 48 different countries including Bhutan, Kyrgyzstan, and Papua New Guinea. We even watched four movies from countries that no longer exist! Always willing to watch a foreign film since you never know when Hollywood is going to steal their ideas and ruin them. 


     *A big thank you once again to TCM! They were responsible for 133 movies screened in the cinema this year. My favorite part of each month is when the TCM schedule comes out and I can set my DVR to capture gems from the silver screen. Especially movies that appear on one of my lists! The movies are exceptional, as is the commentary pre/post film by Ben Mankiewicz, Alicia Malone, and Eddie Muller. Love the noir, TCM, keep it coming! 


    *Speaking of platforms, a major part of 2022 here at Cinema Wellman was the discovery of kanopy and hoopla. I cannot thank them enough for making so many films of all genres available commercial free and "free free!"
           I watched 100 movies on kanopy this year and 76 on hoopla! And I didn't even know they existed until April. Looking forward to more from both services in the coming year.
           As I've mentioned before, all you need is a library card to sign up! And, yes, you can also get books!



    *Another genre we dabbled in this year is the short. Wonderful little tidbits of film that try to tell a full story in a very short amount of time. Just like short stories vs. novels. I sometimes marvel at how something I watched for less than 20 minutes could impact me the way some shorts have. Hot Mother, On My Mind, and The Beaning were three amazing shorts I watched this year that affected me even though the three of them together added up to only 41 minutes. It's no wonder that I like shorts since my major complaint about a lot of movies is that they were just too damn long. 
 


    *The motto here at Cinema Wellman is "Yeah...we watched that." And we prove that over and over by watching anything and everything. When this is common practice, you tend to run into some odd stuff that's bad. It's really bad. It's unusually bad. And yet...there's something about it that's absolutely wonderful. I will admit that it's a very fine line on which to tread, but when it happens, it's really great fun! Three standouts of "Loveable Junk" from 2022 were Stunt Rock, Hell Squad, and Troll. If you see any of these, you'll understand what I mean. Chef's kiss in front of a plate of garbage.


     *The first annual Cinema Wellman Director of the Year Award has to go to our good friend Richard Linklater. Director of one of our favorites, Dazed and Confused, seven Linklater movies were screened this year and the only bad one was that one with Ethan Hawke. Stop making those, Richard. 
          Apollo 10 1/2: A Space Age Childhood was an unexpected delight. It's a love letter to Houston and the "Space Race" that had me from the very start. Tender, sweet, and funny.
          I had never seen his early film Slacker and I was blown away by it. The stream of consciousness layout of the movie was very unique. You really need to pay attention to catch it all.  
        And then there's Heads I Win/Tails You Lose which is in a category all of its own. That's the one that's over four hours of film leader. Nothing else like that exists as far as I know. Keep doing what you're doing, Richard! Except for that Ethan Hawke junk. 



And now.....the woooorrrsssst!


    *I don't want to spend too much time on the "Worst of 2022" because I'd rather concentrate on the positive, but I do have to rant one more time about the following:
        Ambulance was so bad that I've had friends tell me it may be the worst movie they have EVER seen! It's up there! It's really that bad. 
        Breaking the Waves actually broke my spirit. I hated that so much that it left a stain on my soul for quite a while. 
        The Voyeurs was a prime example of what happens when you make something that looks enticing but nobody took the time to read the script. Or write the script for that matter.
        My hatred of romantic comedies is well-known, but a final shout out of scorn to Something's Gotta Give, My Best Friend's Wedding, Teacher's Pet, Starting Over and One Fine Day. Your advice for me may be to just avoid the genre altogether, but when they show up on a list, you must watch. It's one of the rules of having a list. 
        And then there's the hateful double feature of Mondo Cane and Faces of Death. The only proper way to watch that twin bill would be sitting next to a bucket. 
        Final analysis: Go away, Michael Bay. 




        Before we wrap it up for the year, I would just like to thank everyone who has read the blog or watched/listened to the podcast for their support. It's nice to know that there are some people out there who choose to watch me for a half hour a week as opposed to the millions of hours of content available elsewhere. 
        This project has been great fun for me and I'm already looking forward to Season Two which will launch in January. 
        Best Wishes for a happy, healthy, positive 2023 from all of us here at Cinema Wellman. Yeah, that's just me. But it doesn't make it any less sincere.

        I hope you'll be back for more in the new year. Thanks again for listening and subscribing and spending time with me here at Cinema Wellman. 

        Until next year...take care.

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Cinema Wellman will return with brand new content in 2023!

We hope you'll join us!


 
                        
 




Saturday, December 24, 2022

The Cinema Wellman Holiday Wish List

πŸŽ„The Cinema Wellman Holiday Wish ListπŸŽ„


        Each year children from around the world write letters to Santa asking him for all the items on their wish lists. Kids ask Santa for all sorts of things. Dolls, trucks, action figures, books, video games, stuffed animals, Windex, laundry baskets, a Big Mac, a gondola, a real, live unicorn. The last five came directly from parents on the Interwebs, proving that kids will ask for just about anything this time of year. 
        I'm sure you're very familiar with the real Santa up at the North Pole, and I'm hoping you were a good human this year and get everything you wanted. But not everyone is aware that Cinema Wellman has their own Santa! He's not at the North Pole, but in North Chelmsford! Every year children write to the Cinema Wellman Santa with a cinematic wish list. Some ask for things they want movies to START doing, while others ask for things they want movies to STOP doing.
        There were many excellent letters this year, and I wanted to share some of them with you on this special holiday episode. 

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        Our first letter comes from little Bryan M. in Baltimore, MD.  

                            Dear Cinema Wellman Santa,
 
                            I love Christmas, and I love Christmas movies! 
                            What I don't love are all these Christmas HORROR movies! 
                            The holidays are scary enough without having to 
                            worry about Santa, an elf, or a snowman viciously
                            murdering you in your sleep.

                            Go Birds,
                            Bryan M. 

        I am with you there, Bryan! I have no issue with a couple of scary Christmas movies, but there are way too many of them out there, and most of them look absolutely awful! We have Black Christmas, Red Christmas, Silent Night, Violent Night, Silent Night Deadly Night, Jack Frost, Christmas Evil, Red Snow, Mercy Christmas, Black X-Mas, Christmas Slay, Christmas Blood, Slay Bells, and even The Gingerdead Man!

        If you're looking for a good scary Christmas movie, I recommend Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale (2010) which is an excellent holiday fright fest from Finland! See that and check the box so you can steer clear of all of the other bad ones. 

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        Next we have a letter from little Johnny K. from Hampton, NH. 

                     Dear Cinema Wellman Santa,
 
                            Can we PLEASE stop having every single vehicle with a
                            drop of gasoline in it automatically EXPLODE upon ANY
                            kind of impact?!?!
                            Cars and science DO NOT work that way!


        Spot on Johnny, and thank you for your letter! Gas tanks just don't work this way. Although it is technically possible, it is exceedingly rare for a car to explode on impact. Most cars hold somewhere between 13 and 16 gallons of gasoline. From the size of the conflagrations we're used to seeing on film, there's way more petrol being ignited than that. Thanks Michael Bay. I know it's Christmas, but your movies are a flaming bag of dogshit set ablaze with 50 gallons of gasoline and C4. 

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        Our next letter comes from Hannah D. out in Dundee, MI! Great beef jerky in Dundee, Hannah! Check them out! They're called "Beef Jerky Unlimited." Not a sponsor, but I'd like them to be! Stellar Jerky!
        Hannah has three items on her list this year.

                      Dear Cinema Wellman Santa,
          
                            Can you please use your powers to eliminate the
                            "ugly girl" trope, when in reality it's just an already
                            attractive woman wearing glasses with her hair up?
                            Makeup and a pretty dress doesn't magically make 
                            someone a raving beauty.
 
                             Also, can you do anything about thin actors in 
                            fat suits? If it's pivotal to the story line for a character
                            to be fat, I promise there are talented fat actors out
                            there who will do the role justice. And while we're at
                            it, maybe cast fat actors in roles regardless of the story
                            line. Movies should look like real life, and bigger 
                            people exist.

                            Lastly, although I'm encouraged by the steadily
                            increasing number of movies with representation for
                            queer people, let's get more queer actors playing these
                            roles instead of straight cis actors playing queer. It's one
                            thing to tell the stories, but it's another thing to employ
                            and uplift the voices of queer people even when the
                            cameras aren't rolling. 



        Excellent points made, Hannah! That trope of plain/unattractive women becoming suddenly beautiful to everyone that previously ignored them once they lose the glasses and let their hair down has been going on FOREVER!!!! Make it stop! I happen to think that women who wear glasses and wear their hair up are quite attractive! Shame on you, Hollywood!
        The fat suits also need to go. Hair and makeup technicians do amazing work in films, but those fat suits always seem to look awful. On a related note, I also hate it when an actor gains/loses an unhealthy amount of weight just to play a role. That is a very dangerous practice and should be eliminated. 
        I'm also with you about queer characters being played by queer actors. Come on, people. Who better to represent a group on film than a member of that very group?  Movies no longer have white actors portray black or Asian characters. Let's take the next logical step in this trend and extend this practice to characters from the LGBTQ+ community. 

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         Our final letter comes to us from Andy and Graham T. from Londonderry, NH. Loyal watchers of the show! Thank you for that and for your letter! Andy and Graham also have three wishes for the Cinema Wellman Santa.  

                            Dear Cinema Wellman Santa,
 
                            We've been really good this year so we were hoping maybe
                            you could look into solving some of this movie stuff
                            that drives us crazy. Much appreciated my Santa Dude!

                            Number 1: Can we get rid of ALL of the Hallmark movies?

                            Number 2: If your character in a film is a top-notch
                            assassin/lethal weapon type, that character should NOT
                            be confused when they run out of ammo! If they're that 
                            elite, they'd know how much ammunition they have left!

                            Number 3: If you're going to have a minor character in
                           your movie be a musician or athlete, can you cast REAL 
                           musicians and REAL athletes?!? It adds realism to the movie
                           and it should not be difficult to do. Look at Kevin Garnett's 
                           performance in Uncut Gems! He did a great job! Yes, he 
                           played himself, but some actors can't even do that!

                            Have a great holiday, Santa!

                            P.S. - Also let them know that guns do NOT fire unlimited
                            bullets. Some of us keep track of that stuff. 

 
Speak for yourself!



        Thanks for the letter, gents! Let's take a look at your wishes one at a time. I don't think I can do anything about #1. That Hallmark Movie Juggernaut is showing zero signs of slowing down. They have 39 CHRISTMAS movies!!!! Lacey Chabert has made 31 Hallmark movies on her own! Candace Cameron Bure has made 30! These things will not go away! My advice is to just steer clear of that channel altogether or ask your provider to remove it from your lineup with extreme prejudice.
        Wish #2: I agree 100% about these top-notch killing machines having zero clue as to how much ammo they have left. If they shoot guns for a living, they know how many rounds are left. I must admit that I enjoy it when they realize the gun is empty and they THROW it at their adversary! That trick NEVER works!
        Wish #3: Totally understandable, and it goes along with what Hannah asked for in the previous letter. I think that realism is important in film even though many films contain unbelievable situations. For me to invest myself in a character, I need them to be realistic and believable. I don't think it's too much to ask, especially for minor characters, that they are portrayed realistically. Why waste the time and money to teach/train someone to do something (play an instrument/sport) on screen when you can just cast someone who already knows how to do that thing?  It seems like common sense, but common sense is not always part of the recipe when it comes to making movies these days. 

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        Before we wrap things up, I have a few requests of my own that I'd like to mention. These are some of the things that have bothered me about movies for years and years and years.

        1) The coffee cup thing. STOP having characters carrying empty coffee cups around! I've been saying this forever! Get a PA to fill them partially with water! People just carry empty cups differently than they carry full cups! It's so easy to spot, it's distracting, and it's so easy to fix! Same with luggage or backpacks, but I'll fight that battle at some other time. 



        2) For disaster movies that involve a global catastrophe: STOP having families miraculously reuniting from hundreds of miles away WITHOUT ANY COMMUNICATIONS AFTER A GLOBAL CATASTROPHE! Most families can't coordinate meeting for dinner at a restaurant WITH available communication!
 


        3) For action movies: ENOUGH ALREADY with the closing scene showing our protagonists all hanging out at the ambulances with blankets on! There are injured people all over the place and ambulances can afford to have people just chilling in them with their hot drinks and blankets?!? I. Don't. Think. So. 




        4) And STOP showing characters vomiting!!!! Use the sound, show them from the back, show them with their head in the toilet, but WE DO NOT NEED TO SEE ANYTHING COME OUT OF THEIR MOUTHS!!!!! It's so gross and unnecessary and it causes me to not want to eat soup, and I LOVE SOUP!



        And that's a wrap for the first annual Holiday Wish List episode. It's never too early to start looking for items for next year's list! When you see something over and over that's annoying, let the Cinema Wellman Santa know! Email him year round at: cinemawellman@gmail.com

        There's only one episode left in our first season, and that's coming to you on Amateur Night, December 31st when we will be taking a look at "The Best and Worst of 2022!" 

        See you then! And in the meantime, enjoy the holidaze and take care. 


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Upcoming Blogs/Podcast Episodes:


Available on Saturday, December 31st:


The Best and Worst of 2022




Until then…take care.


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