Which Was Worse?
OR
Creep Van vs. Party Bus to Hell
“I am all about vans!”
In the inaugural episode of “Which Was Worse?” we featured a couple of bad airplane movies. For this episode, we’re sticking with conveyances, but we’ll be staying closer to the ground this time.
Facing off today to determine “Which Was Worse?” we have Creep Van (2012) vs. Bus Party to Hell (2017). On paper, both looked like total disasters. They also looked like total disasters on my television screen, which was no surprise.
As you probably know, IMDb has a crowd-sourced rating for each movie. These movies combined earned 7.9 stars. Other films including Knives Out, Almost Famous, and This is Spinal Tap earned 7.9 stars on their own! I knew these were both going to be raging dumpster fires, but one had to be worse! Which would it be?
Would you like to check out the trailers?
That may give you a better idea of what I was going through.
Bus Party to Hell (Trailer) - YouTube
A reminder of the official “WWW?” rubric that helps determine the “winner.”
The Official Which Was Worse? Rubric
Let’s Get in That Van!
Let’s see how Creep Van fared on the rubric. They were awarded 0 points for story, -1 for acting, 0 for special effects, -1 for self-awareness, and a 1 for effort. That’s a total of -1 headed into the “Lightning Round!”
Each of the following indiscretions added another minus to the overall score. And here we go:
*Pretty much the first line of the movie is, ”Only bad people own vans.” Okay, mom.
*A hoodlum attempting to climb in the passenger window of Creep Van is sliced in half - that’s a PLUS 1!
*Opening credits are seizure inducing.
*Features a sign at a carwash with a thinly veiled, unfunny sex joke along with a website address. I looked up the website, and there was nothing. That’s lazy. If you’re going to include a joke website, build it.
*Driver of Creep Van picks up an obnoxious hitchhiker who won’t shut up. The driver finally pushes in the dashboard lighter which sends a spike through the chest of the hitchhiker. This is also a PLUS 1!
*”Bro. You best get back to work, yo.” This line was spoken to a black character. Are we supposed to like this idiot protagonist, or root for him to be murdered by the Creep Van?
*The idiot protagonist has a friend who appears to want to be a pro wrestler. He may also live in a dog house in his driveway. This was never explained at all.
*”How many girls have disappeared after a ride in this?” Actually asked by a potential female buyer before she is sliced to bits by a seat belt. Is that supposed to be funny?
*There’s a mess to clean up. Character one says, “I’ll get the hose.” Character two quips, “Hookers have nothing to do with this.” Hardy har har.
*Gratuitous nudity. Dog house guy’s girlfriend.
*Guy: ”Would you like a beer?” Girl: “Sure. Get me buzzed, and you might have a fighting chance.” Girl then drinks one sip and starts making out. Make up your mind!
*Valet parking attendant is killed by a spiked air bag in the van. Creative, but he didn’t deserve that.
*Use of the R word! When was this made? Oh, 2012…NOPE! That’s a -2!
*Idiot protagonist claims he’s been looking for his girlfriend/co-worker “all afternoon” even though there are a total of five employees at the carwash, and it’s a carwash!
*Idiot protagonist breaks into the Creep Van while the owner is in the hardware store buying serial killer stuff.
*One of the all time dumbest things ever included in any movie I’ve ever seen: A montage of comical sex scenes with the wrestler roommate and his perpetually naked girlfriend. Slapstick sex scenes? So out of place in this film. It was something out of Airplane for goodness sake!
*Creep Van saves the day by driving directly into the house and killing wrestler roommate and perpetually naked girlfriend while they have sex. PLUS +2 for killing them after that stupid joke sex scene montage. Thank you, Creep Van guy!
*Creep Van guy kills everyone at the carwash. He impales a guy on a muffler. Style points! Not sure the stoner workers and the creepy boss actually deserved to be so stylistically murdered though.
*Awful character named “Swami Ted” (based on Ted Nugent) appears for little to no reason and is then dispatched by Creep Van guy with the old “van antenna to the jugular” trick. Thanks again, Creep Van guy!
*Idiot protagonist accidently kills his girlfriend with a tire iron into her open mouth. That’s what happens when you lash out with a tire iron without looking. The girlfriend was the only remotely likable character in this. Now that she’s dead, I’m all for the rest of the cast being killed by Creep Van.
*Idiot protagonist turns the tables on Creep Van guy and gets behind the wheel. Creep Van guy peeks his head partially into the passenger side door. Idiot protagonist activates the “guillotine window” and slices off Creep Van guy’s face. It doesn’t chop off his head, it slices off his face. Not sure why. It was a nasty image. I’m sure that’s why.
*Idiot protagonist is blamed for ALL of the murders and goes to prison! Film ends with him in his orange jumpsuit in prison, and the Creep Van in the police impound lot. Gate closes. Roll credits! Really?!?!
Final Score for Creep Van: -17 Atrocious showing, but I have faith in Bus Party to Hell because Tara Reid is in it. She alone should be worth a -5.
Next Stop, Burning Man!
When Bus Party to Hell was plugged into the rubric, it earned -2 points for story, -2 for acting, 0 for special effects, -1 for self-awareness, and a -1 for effort. That’s a total of -6 headed into the “Lightning Round” putting it 5 points behind (or is it ahead)?
What have you got for us, Tara?
*Top billing: Tara Reid. I’m actually AWARDING a point for her, because she’s a good sport.
*The bus is headed to Burning Man.
*Tara saws someone’s head off in the opening scene. Not cuts, saws. It takes a while. He’s wearing a Slash-esque top hat.
*Lyrics of the song played over opening credits include, “We’re on a party bus. A party bus to hell.”
*Gratuitous Party Bus nudity at the 4:39 mark.
*The opening credits aren’t even over and I want everyone to die.
*Party bus goes over a bump causing a young woman’s naked breast to “pop into” the open mouth of another young woman on the party bus. So that’s the type of thing we’re dealing with here.
*Creepy photographer actually says, “There’s no such thing as gratuitous female nudity.” Wanna bet?
*Mummies show up out of nowhere. Before they kill a girl, they remove her bikini top. Because…I guess mummies do that.
*Whilst being killed by the mummies, the creepy photographer shrugs his shoulders and photographs her since she’s now topless. She’s being murdered. Did I mention that?
*Creepy photographer is cut in half by the mummies. Definite PLUS 1!
*Tara Reid is run over by the Party Bus at the 12:30 mark. She was arguably the best part of this mess by far, and now even Tara Reid is gone!
*The Satanic cult features topless girl with a snake. Of course it does.
*Female victim is force fed the snake. They then cut open the woman’s stomach and remove the snake. This is actually foreshadowing even though the filmmakers probably have no idea what foreshadowing is.
*Character says aloud, “This is a bunch of shit.” As Cinema Sins likes to say, something blurted out by the director makes it into the movie!
*”Can you hear me now” joke is whispered into a severed ear. Was that joke still making the rounds in 2017? Wow.
*For some reason, the Party Bus has been built to be impenetrable, and yet, one of the cultists opens a hatch in the roof, and chops a guy’s head clean off. Blood fountain! That was easy!
*Severed head is then tossed to a topless woman (they actually yell, “head’s up!”) and she proceeds to, I believe the term is, motorboat the severed head. Not since Re-Animator have we seen the likes of this!
*The amount of sex mixed with the amount of blood in this is troubling.
*The ancient trope of a virgin being needed by the satanic cult shows up. And there just happens to be a virgin on the bus! How fortuitous! It’s the girl whose bare breast popped into that other girl’s mouth earlier. I had her pegged as a virgin as soon as I saw her!
*An attempt at a jump-scare was neither jumpy or scary.
*Interesting bit about the tattooed bus driver’s tattoos of snakes, scorpions, lizards, and tarantulas coming to life and terrorizing the people on the party bus. It could have earned a point, but they did nothing to explain it, and the animals were all tattoos again after a few minutes of strobe lights and heavy metal music.
*Please don’t tell me that one of the guys is going to have sex with her on the Party Bus so she will no longer be a virgin and the cult will leave them alone. Please don’t. Oh, okay. You’re going to do it anyway?! Well, that cost you FIVE POINTS!!!!
*The two of them then go UNDER THE FLOOR to have sex in the luggage compartment. While the deflowering is going on, that graphic scene is intercut with the full blown blood orgy that’s happening outside the Party Bus.
*The virgin girl turns 18 the very next day. Why did they feel the need to include that little bit of information? Yuck.
*Also intercut with the deflowering in the luggage bay and the blood orgy is the other bus passengers cutting open the stomach of the dead tattooed bus driver on the off chance that she SWALLOWED THE KEYS TO THE BUS?!?!?!
*And she ACTUALLY DID SWALLOW THE KEYS!!!!
*Virgin turns out to be “The Chosen One.” While having sex, she turns into a demon and kills and eats the boy who was deflowering her.
*”Nobody appreciates the C-word.” Demon Virgin says this to a guy who had just aimed the word at his girlfriend. Demon Virgin then kills him. Demon Virgin is correct about the C-word! PLUS +1 for killing him!
*The two surviving girls take the bloody keys and drive away into the desert. The Party Bus breaks down, but they are “saved” by a creepy guy who then wants to hurt them. They kill him. Why was this scene even included?
*Demon Virgin is back to normal during the day and her friends run into her in the middle of the desert driving the vehicle of the guy they just murdered. They decide she’s okay, and pick her up. I mean, why not?
*While they’re driving, Demon Virgin points at a wolf dog on the side of the road and the dog explodes. She also turns on the car radio without touching it. This, of course, is never explained.
*And that’s the end! A sequel is teased before the closing credits, but thankfully it has yet to be made.
Bus Party to Hell is the clear winner with a final score of -38 and it certainly deserves to be crowned worse in this matchup!
One of the things that really annoyed me about Bus Party to Hell was its resemblance, in part, to Race With the Devil from 1975. That was an excellent thriller starring Peter Fonda, Warren Oates, Lara Parker, and Loretta Swit. In it, two couples vacationing together in an R.V. out west are terrorized after they witness a murder during a Satanic ritual. So close enough there.
So close, in fact, that the makers of this crap actually paid homage to that movie by naming characters in this movie Lara Swit, Peter Oates, and Warren Fonda. Trouble is, the full names are never used! So why bother? Your homage was as pitiful as your film.
Well, that’s it for this episode of “Which Was Worse?” This was a pretty easy call to make. As a matter of fact I’ll go so far as to say this; I’d rather watch Creep Van again in its entirety than watch even the trailer for Bus Party to Hell, or Party Bus to Hell, whatever they want to call it.
Seriously? You couldn’t decide on a title for this garbage? Pick one!
It wasn’t even worthy of Tara Reid.
#teamtara
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