Which Was Worse?
OR
In the last installment of “Which Was Worse?” we took a look at a couple of terrible shark movies and attempted to decide which was actually worse. It was a close call but, in the end…something is always worse!
Today we’ll suffer through two awful airplane movies. They will be put through the official Cinema Wellman Rubric! There is math to this! And where there’s math…there’s science! Unfortunately, very few laws of science/physics were followed in these films! Get ready for takeoff!
The Official Which Was Worse? Rubric
As you can see, the highest number of points a film can receive is one (1). A score of one or zero is a win for these films, since the negatives are much more likely.
Turbulent Skies (2010)
So Turbulent Skies heads into the lightning round with a score of -7. Each of the following indiscretions (sins) will only increase that score in the wrong direction. Here we go with those penalties!
*Begins with five minutes of getting to know passengers/crew of a plane that then crashes killing most people on board.
*CZN instead of CNN
*Pilot error is to blame for that crash, so the solution (of course!) is fully automated pilotless planes.
*State of the art, fully automated piloting system appears to be part of an 8th grade science project.
*The developer decided to run a test flight WITH passengers.
*Son of the developer of the new piloting system is an asshole. He calls his assistant over after meeting someone he didn’t like and here are his instructions to his assistant, “Take a note. I don’t like her.”
*Pilot greets flight attendant with, “Morning, babe.”
*Blinking blue light on the fully automated piloting system seems to have been added in post production.
*Everything is automated in the future cliché. No humans needed.
*Developer’s son is so obnoxious that he doesn’t care to remember anyone’s name, and he has terrible hair, and his name is “Chuck.”
*They dragged poor Nicole Eggert into this, and two lines in scenes with her include the phrase “In charge,” which sticks out like a sore thumb.
*They have the nerve to use the line, “Houston, we have a problem.”
*Fully automated piloting system kills human pilot when the pilot tries to intervene.
*With the pilots dead and no one at the controls, the tower has these instructions, “Don’t touch anything, whatever you do.”
*Idiot son makes modifications to the system without anyone’s permission cliche.
*Stock footage of Stealth fighters being scrambled.
*Executive Decision style transfer gets expert Caspar Van Dien on board, but he’s NOT A PILOT.
*When he attempts to “hot wire” the plane, it shocks him. His response, “It just tried to hurt me!”
*Nicole Eggert flies the plane!
Air Collision (2012)
Air Collision
So Air Collision heads into the lightning round with a score of -5. Lets see if they can rack up enough sins to pass Turbulent Skies on the way down. Fasten your seatbelts and please return your tray tables to their upright position.
*A solar storm wipes out all air traffic control. Not sure that can happen.
*Like Turbulent Skies, safer air travel can only be a reality with fully automated machines in charge. (a la Charles)
*ACAT Satellite Network = Auto Controlled Anti Threat Program. So why isn’t it called ACATP?
*All satellites malfunction due to the solar storm and fall out of the sky. Whenever satellites malfunction, they immediately plummet back to earth.
*Characters apparently are allowed to wander crash sites and pick up bits of satellites. Caution tape all over the place, but not one human to guard things.
*Cleveland? Cleveland was chosen as the main city in this film? Cleveland?
*Poor Reginald VelJohnson got dragged into this!! He was in Die Hard! He was in Die Hard 2! He was Carl Winslow in Family Matters!
*Character’s first day of work is the day from hell cliché.
*There are lightning storms and weather anomalies all over the place, and they ALLOW AIR FORCE ONE TO TAKE OFF!
*Americana Blue Airlines!
*Twenty something crew member on AF1 claims to know the plane, “better than anyone.”
*Does Air Force One really have super wide hallways featuring portraits of former presidents complete with ornate frames?!
*Satellites fall to the earth with the power of asteroids and explode on impact. What, exactly, is in a satellite that would cause it to explode?
*Did they show the cast clips from Airplane to show them how to behave during an air crisis?
*Americana Blue hits a tower in Cleveland and keeps flying!
*”Without navigation, we’re a crash waiting to happen.” “Are you telling me we’re not in control of this plane?!?”
*Major “end of days” traffic jam out of the city is suggested by showing ten cars parked bumper to bumper on a country road.
*Does Air Force One have missiles?!? Well, they shot down two fighter jets in this movie.
*Comical destruction! Poor Cleveland!
*On board systems take control of AF1, locking every door on the plane. There is no way to manually override any of that.
*Pilots discussing shooting the door: ”Major, I don’t want to fire my weapon in the cockpit any more than you want me to, but we have no choice.”
*Pilot then fires off 10 rounds in the COCKPIT OF AIR FORCE ONE. Door is later shown totally undamaged.
*A missile strikes Americana Blue and it KEEPS FLYING!!! Huge hole in the fuselage.
*The missile didn’t explode, so the passengers manually toss it out of the hole in the side of the plane. That missile then hits Cleveland causing more destruction.
*Huge hole in the fuselage is plugged with LUGGAGE.
*In a transfer attempt (think Executive Decision again), the First Lady is dangled below AF1. When the transfer doesn’t work, POTUS pulls her back into AF1 barehanded.
*At one point the two planes actually clip each other. Americana Blue is turned into a convertible when the roof is shorn off. Americana Blue is still flying.
*Americana Blue then makes contact with two BUILDINGS and ANOTHER tower. Americana Blue is still flying.
*Pieces from an aviation museum are used to save the day.
*Tinfoil from a piece of chewing gum also saves the day.
*POTUS and his teenage daughter are now flying AF1.
*They put AF1 down on a street without landing gear. Wings are sheared off on the way down the street.
*Everyone pretty much survives. Can’t say the same for Cleveland.
FINAL SCORE:
Turbulent Skies -26
Air Collision -38
Which Was Worse?
I must say that the math works on this one. I agree with the results. Terrible films…but one is always worse.
Although I wouldn’t mind booking a flight on Americana Blue Airlines…their planes are indestructible!
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