Clowning Around with Mr. Well-Mo!
Hey, boys and girls and children of all ages. Welcome to Cinema Wellman, I am today’s host; Cinema Wellman’s resident clown Mr. Well-Mo.
High and dry in Cinema Wellman!
I’m here because David, your regular host, suffers from a pretty severe case of (COOl-ruh-FOE-bee-uh) Coulrophobia (COOl-ruh-FOE-bee-uh) which means he’s afraid of Mr. Well-Mo and friends. I honestly don’t understand how David can have this fear and still be friends with me, but Mr. Well-Mo doesn’t understand everything, so let’s just move on.
David was researching one of his many “upcoming episodes,” (working title “Hotel/Motel”) in which he’s going to discuss the 15 movies he’s seen that feature the words “hotel” or “motel” in the title. (I honestly don’t know how he comes up with this stuff.)
In any event, he’s doing his usual research and discovers that there’s a film titled Clown Motel.
He immediately Face-Times me and says, “Mr. Well-Mo! Did you know there’s a film titled Clown Motel?!?”
And I was like, “Okay, David, okay. There’s also Clown Motel 2, Clown Motel: 3 Ways to Hell, Clown Motel 4, Clown Motel Massacre, Clown Motel Vacancies 2, and The Curse of the Clown Motel.”
“Why didn’t you tell me about these movies?!?”
“I don’t know, maybe it’s because you’re afraid of clowns?!?”
The Hotel/Motel episode is still coming your way (lucky you), but I’m here today instead of David to break down what transpired here at Cinema Wellman last weekend.
This is a cautionary tale of what can happen when you don’t have any solid weekend plans, boys and girls.
Over the course of three days, David and I watched the 10 clown movies I’m about to talk about.
937 minutes of clown movies.
That’s 15.6 hours of clown movies.
In just three days, two and a half, actually.
As David likes to say, we did it so you don’t have to.
We only watched two of the clown “Motel” movies, but then added The Clown at Midnight, Clown in a Cornfield, Clown Fear, Clownhouse, Clowntergeist, Clownado, Apocalypse Clown, and Clown.
We have a mixed bag of snakes for you today, and not all of them are those springy slinky ones we usually carry around.
We’re going to begin with what is easily the very worst of these ten films.
Frankly I was embarrassed for my people.
#10: Clownado (2019)
R/99 m/IMDb: 3.3/directed by Todd Sheets
IMDb: “Cursed demonic circus clowns set out on a vengeful massacre using tornados. A stripper, Elvis impersonator, truck driver, teen runaway, and a dude get caught in the supernatural battle between femme fatale and the boss clown from hell.”
Poster Tag: “A Nightmare of Unspeakable Horror!”
These 99 minutes were a nightmare of unspeakable horror, but just for the viewers, which I doubt was what the filmmakers were going for.
We will be sharing some stats we compiled during these screenings and will be sharing how many “Clown Kills” there were (those killed by clowns since many clowns are straight up psychotic murderers) along with how many “Dead Clowns” the film featured.
Clownado was the worst of the 10 films on today’s list, but it also had the highest number of “Clown Kills” with 16.
Dead clown count: 5
Clown names of note: Chuckles, Shrinky Dink, Boppo, and Wizzo.
Here we go, and we’re going with the stream of notes David and I took during the screenings as opposed to the full narrative since a majority of these films are unworthy of the full narrative.
Step right up!
*Clownado? I’m sure the filmmakers were hoping to jump on that Sharknado bandwagon. A movie that came out SIX YEARS earlier.
*There’s a dismemberment sequence that’s overly nasty and we’re thinking had meat procured from a butcher’s shop.
*I’m pretty sure human bodies don’t have that much blood in them. I can check, but I’m pretty sure.
*It seems that cranberry sauce was used for entrails. Yum.
*A witch puts what sounds a lot like Harry Potter gibberish spells on some bad clowns. The clowns totally deserve this. For overacting, if nothing else.
*Later on the clowns EASILY capture and control the witch that put the spell on them?! How does that work, exactly?!
*The effects of the clowns emerging from the “Clownado” were absolutely pitiful.
*The death/murder scenes were horribly staged and overdone.
*We think the clowns killed more people in that diner than were hiding from them! How is that possible?!
*These clowns were normal people (albeit clowns) before the spell, and NOW they have powers? That witch does not know how to “witch” properly.
*Why is one clown coming out of another clown?! That shouldn’t have been done unless several were going to come out of the clown like a clown car.
*In a brilliant casting move, Bambi Fawn Taylor plays a character named Dilynn Fawn Harvey.
*Why does the female clown have breasts with teeth?
*And why aren’t the teeth breasts the same size as her regular breasts? Couldn’t that have been done? At least get within one cup size, people.
*Actually the teeth breasts were the only part of the entire cast that didn’t overact. Nod to David Cronenberg.
Next up, let’s check into one of the clown motels.
#9: Clown Motel: Spirits Arise (2019)
R/95 m/IMDb: 2.9/directed by Joseph Kelly
IMDb: “Clown Motel follows a group of ghost hunters coming from an old ghost town and a bachelorette party returning from Las Vegas. When the groups meet up at an abandoned hotel, they discover it is haunted by the souls of the clowns that once lived there.”
Poster Tag: “Checking in?”
Clown Kills: 7 Dead Clowns: 3
Clown names of note: Silly Lilly, Psycan, and Crying Clown
*Partially funded by a Kickstarter campaign which allowed donors to appear in the film in small roles. Or maybe bigger roles based on some of the performances.
*The only available subtitles for this were in French. I’m assuming lots of folks go straight from Godard and Truffaut to Clown Motel.
*A homophobic joke?! This was made in 2019, not the 90s. Heavy sigh.
*Where are the clowns in this movie? How can there be a clown motel without the clowns? A clown motel without clowns is just a motel!
*”Time to change some nuts. Some lug nuts.” I wonder if one of the Kickstarter scriptwriters contributed that gem.
*A character has his arms torn off and has a cogent conversation for MINUTES afterward! A medical miracle.
*A clown shouts, “YOU MUST RESPECT THE TESTICLES!” in this movie, which pretty much tells you all you need to know.
We’ll be checking out of Clown Motel now, thanks.
#8: Clown Fear (2020)
R/109 m/IMDb: 3.1/directed by Minh Collins
IMDb: “A runaway bride and her bridesmaids are stranded in a city run by clowns. Everything seemed normal at first, but this clown cult has their own set of rules. It’s a carnival ride as our girls try to stay alive and escape Clown City.”
Poster Tag: “You’ll die laughing”
Clown Kills: 6 Dead Clowns: 1
Clown names of note: Big, Dimples, Tiny, and I wish, Minister McFadden
*This one dropped the “C” word in the first 30 seconds, so we kind of knew what we were in for.
*Takes place in Clown City, USA “10 Years Later” (Mr. Well-Mo will refrain from making a Washington D.C. joke here)
*There’s a “Clown Inn” in this movie which is not to be confused with the “Clown Motel” chain.
*An example of the quality of the script; (whiny girl voice) “There’s no mini bar in the funhouse!” We couldn’t wait for her to die.
*A priest stops a wedding ceremony because the bride didn’t have her ID on her? Where does this happen?
*The bride cheated the NIGHT BEFORE her wedding, and claims, “I didn’t cheat, technically” because it was with another woman?!?! Love is love, so cheating is cheating.
*Where are the clowns?!? I’d rather have clowns in a bad clown movie than no clowns in a bad clown movie.
*Is everyone you know a stereotype? No? Then why is EVERYONE in this movie a stereotype?!?
*Lionsgate changed the title from Circus Road to Clown Fear, and neither of them really make any sense at all.
*A clown rips the head off of a bunny in this one. Mr. Well-Mo was not happy with that. Mr. Well-Mo does not endorse animal cruelty of any kind. Even against balloon animals.
*More of this quality script; “Do the clown shoes match the merchandise?” (audible eye roll)
*The kid at the end checking in with his parents had it right, “I don’t like it here. I think we should go home.” With you there, kid.
*Points for the dunk tank being over a vat of acid, but that’s about all the imagination this mess could muster. High and Dry!
#7: The Curse of the Clown Motel (2023)
R/84 m/IMDb: 2.6/directed by Asif Akbar
IMDb: “When Alma returns home to help her family get their Native American heritage recognized, all she finds is the World-Famous Clown Motel that has been erected on her land.”
Poster Tag: “Guests check in, but they don’t check out”
Clown Kills: 7 Dead Clowns: 2
Clown names of note: None! Zero imagination.
*Professional wrestler Randy Couture and Tobin “Jigsaw” Bell are top billed in a movie that also stars Richard “21 Jump Street” Grieco who seems to be doing a Dave Navarro impression during all of his scenes.
*There’s a heavy Native American subplot, and includes a Native American delivering the line, “History is dark and depressing unless you’re white.” A cogent point made amidst a sea of miasma.
*At one point the blood spatter soaks the screen and drips down it. Doesn’t that ruin the illusion? The answer is a resounding yes!
*There really aren’t too many clowns in this hotel, the Chindi is more of a Native American demon. And if I was interested in seeing a Native American demon, I’d just watch “The Manitou” again.
*There is a scalping in this, and let me tell you, those are some nasty business.
*The production crew actually stayed at the real Clown Motel during the production, and I’m sure they were very excited to hear that that was the plan.
*” Welcome to the curse of the Clown Motel…” and ROLL CREDITS!
#6: Clowntergeist (2017)
R/80 m/IMDb: 3.0/directed by Aaron Mintes
IMDb: “Emma, a college student with a crippling fear of clowns, must come face to face with her worst fear when an evil spirit in the body of a clown is summoned terrorizing the town she calls home.”
Poster Tag: “The REASON you’re afraid of clowns”
Clown Kills: 4 Dead Clowns: 1
Clown names of note: Ribcage the Clown (interesting choice)
*There was a scene in this movie that gave David chills. I laughed, but he got chills. “It’s right here next to the clown statue.” “We don’t have a clown statue.” Of course you don’t, who has a clown statue?!
*Can we please please please get rid of the horror movie trope that has guys scaring girls on purpose?!?! Yes it’s fun watching those guys die, but what assholes.
*A clown in this film barfs black oil on people that seemingly has no effect on the barfee? We may have missed something, but that doesn’t make any sense. Even in a movie titled Clowntergeist.
*On the plus side we did have balloons filled with meat and a clown driving an ice cream truck, which is always terrifying, so this was kind of a mixed bag. David didn’t give it a thumbs up in the archives, but it wasn’t as bad as any of the previous offerings.
#5: The Clown at Midnight (1998)
R/91 m/IMDb: 4.4/directed by Jean Pellerin
IMDb: “Seven teenagers are stalked by a murderous clown while refurbishing an old opera house.”
Poster Tag: None, unfortunately.
Clown Kills: 7 Dead Clowns: 2
Clown names of note: None. Perhaps Christopher Plummer banned them on this production.
*One of only two films on today’s list from the 20th century which may explain the use of the “R” word BUT not excuse it. No excuse for the use of that word at any time.
*Look at that synopsis again. Why on earth are seven teenagers involved in refurbishing an old opera house. They must not be fans of opera hater Timothee “I made a ping-pong movie” Chalamet.
*One of those seven teenagers is played by James Duval who was Frank the Bunny in Donnie Darko, and it’s always nice to see Frank in movies.
*This seemed like a TV-movie from the 90s, but it really wasn’t too awful bad, even though we figured out the twist 45 minutes before we were supposed to.
#4: Clownhouse (1989)
R/81 m/IMDb: 5.4/directed by Victor Salva
IMDb: “Just before Halloween, three young brothers alone in a big house are menaced by three escaped mental patients who have murdered traveling circus clowns and taken their identities.”
Poster Tag: “You can’t leave…they want to play…”
Clown Kills: 4 Dead Clowns: 3
Clown names of note: Bippo, Dippo, and Cheezo (who got an “and introducing” credit! “And Tree as Cheezo”)
*David wanted to make sure I shared the following lines because it pretty much explains his fear. “Their faces are fake. Big painted smiles. It’s not real. You never know what they really are.” Amen.
*The oldest of the three brothers is played by 19-year-old Sam Rockwell who must have studied Bill Paxton’s uber-asshole-older brother in Weird Science. He’s that much of a jerk.
*Someone is credited as “Ringmaster” in this. Did you know that David played the Ringmaster in his kindergarten play? Complete with Ringmaster Moustache!
#3: Clown in a Cornfield (2025)
R/96 m/IMDb: 5.6/directed by Eli Craig
IMDb: “A fading midwestern town in which Frendo the clown, a symbol of bygone success, reemerges as a terrifying scourge.”
Poster Tag: “Are you a friend of Frendo?”
Clown Kills: 8 Dead Clowns: 9
Clown names of note: Just Frendo, who is enough.
*The production could afford an Erik B. and Rakim song, so that’s a positive start.
*As is the case in so many of these movies, all of the teens deserve to die slow and painful deaths.
*We loved that “Frendo the Clown” is the mascot for this entire town!
*A decapitated head flies right into an open cooler. Swish!
*Clown with a Crossbow! Almost as good as Monkey with a Shotgun.
*Army of killer clowns show up; “That’s a lot of Frendos!” This is when we totally figured out the twist, but it didn’t keep us from enjoying most of the movie.
*”It’s over! We’re all going to be headless teenagers!” Nice.
*Is it possible that kids today wouldn’t know how to operate a rotary phone?! Funny seeing that brought up in a movie.
*Cattle prod in the mouth was a good touch.
*We also enjoyed the homage to JAWS in the open.
*Two movies remain, and both are recommended for very different reasons.
#2: Clown (2014)
R/100 m/IMDb: 5.7/directed by Jon Watts
IMDb: “A loving father finds a clown suit for his son’s birthday party, only to realize that it’s cursed.”
Poster Tag: “The kids aren’t alright”
Clown Kills: 5 Dead Clowns: 1
Clown names of note: The poor guy’s name is Kent.
*We found this easily the scariest of the 9 horror movies under today’s big top.
*Reminiscent of The Fly in the way Kent slowly transforms into the vicious clown.
*Neil Sedaka’s pop hit “King of Clowns” is on the soundtrack!
*When Kent realizes what’s going on he tries to shoot himself in the head. The splatter behind him on the wall is rainbow colored. David and I applauded that touch.
*The shooting doesn’t work and now Kent needs to eat, and his diet is not the diet of Mr. Well-Mo, kids. All the stomach gurgling is extremely unsettling.
*Another JAWS homage when a kid in a ball pit goes down just like Chrissy!
*The wife in this is willing to do something for this clown that raised some painted eyebrows around here. Yikes!
One clown movie to go and it’s a comedy and it’s from Ireland and we absolutely LOVE one of the clowns in it!
#1: Apocalypse Clown (2023)
R/102 m/IMDb: 5.4/directed by George Kane
IMDb: “When a mysterious technological blackout plunges Ireland into anarchy and chaos, a group of failed washed up clowns are forced to traverse the country for one last shot at their dreams.”
Poster Tag: “When the world ends, the fun begins”
Clown Kills: 0 Dead Clowns: 1
Clown names of note: The Great Alphonso, Pepe, Bobo, and Funzo!
Cinema Wellman has already provided you with the answer if anyone ever asks you, “Can you recommend any Polish mermaid movies?”
Now you’ll also have the answer to, “Can you recommend any Irish clown movies?”
*Talk about an unexpected delight, and David and I were so happy that this was the 9th of the 10 films, so we were rewarded for our stupidity.
*We really don’t want to share too much about this one since it’s streaming on, speaking of clowns, Amazon Prime. Give it a shot! At least watch the trailer so you can see Funzo!
*There’s a hilarious subplot about Garth Brooks that kept popping up in the oddest moments in an admittedly odd movie.
*Hands down our favorite clown in these 10 movies was Funzo who was played by Natalie Palamides. Funzo’s face makeup is almost identical to Pennywise the Clown from “It,” but Funzo has never heard of “It,” and is confused by all of the comparisons.
*Funzo is also scared of children and when the trio meet up with a bunch of post-apocalyptic kids, she says, “They’re terrifying. One of them smokes a pipe.”
*Whether she’s spitting out someone else’s teeth or gobbling down lunchmeat, Funzo is an absolute joy, and I’m not just saying that because I’m a clown.
Well, that is a wrap from here at Cinema Wellman where David and I proved that if you go fishing for almost 16 hours, you’re bound to catch a couple of fish that are edible.
David and I saw clowns kill 64 people in these films, so if you’re afraid of Mr. Well-Mo and friends I totally get it.
You probably should be afraid of us.
David still is, but not of me. He even asked me if I wanted to sit in for this summer’s Cinema Wellman “Shark Week” when he’ll screen and rank ALL of the films in the Sharknado series.
My immediate answer was, why the fuck would I want to do that?
David will return next week for his monthly breakdown of the Best and Worst of the past 31 days, and we hope you’re back for that.
Until then, sleep with one eye open because Mr. Well-Mo and his friends are coming for you.
Just kidding! We love people!
Take care!
