Cinema Wellman’s Shark Week

“What about all those people who died?”

“Well, my chili always wins the cook-off!”

Hello and welcome to Cinema Wellman, I am your host David, and those lines come from one of the 17 almost entirely terrible shark movies that I screened here during Cinema Wellman’s 1st annual Shark Week!

I figured if the Discovery Channel could do it for 38 straight years, we needed to get going.

Here’s the lineup which was screened from lowest IMDb score (1.8) to highest IMDb score (only a 4.5):

*Noah’s Shark

*Ouija Shark

*Land Shark (2017)

*Megashark vs. Crocosaurus

*Shark in Venice

*Supershark

*Swim

*Ouija Shark 2

*Zombie Shark a.k.a. Shark Island

*Sharktopus

*Sharktopus vs. Whalewolf

*Toxic Shark

*Sharktopus vs. Pteracuda

*Ozark Sharks

*Land Shark (2020)

*Killer Shark (2021)

*Killer Shark (1950)

While I was in the midst of this project a work friend asked me why I was doing this. “Why would you subject yourself to all of that crap?!”

My answer, as always, was, “So you don’t have to!”

If hearing all of those titles made you think that they sound like pretty much the same movie that’s because they all seemed to be pretty much the same movie. 

Just about every one of them contained one or more of the following: 

*A star that you kind of remember from earlier in their career when they were more famous (Catherine Oxenberg, Robert Carradine, Casper Van Dien, Jason London, Steven Baldwin, Jaleel White, John Schneider, Jimmie J.J. Walker, Joey Lawrence, etc.)

*A shark that defies everything science has ever told us and can easily shift to being a land animal resulting in actors screaming at one another to “Run!” which should never be a problem when a shark is after you. The line “RUN!” is screamed in 95% of these movies, and that just doesn’t make any sense at all.

*A part that the filmmakers obviously wanted Nic Cage to play but couldn’t afford him.

*A JAWS homage including bad lines that still don’t get it right! Including “We’re gonna need a bigger needle,” AND “We’re gonna need a bigger everything.”

*Ample proof that good CGI costs a LOT of money!

*Sharks with a STUNNING sense of timing! There were so many Ass Dan deaths in these movies, I started looking forward to them!

*People hooking up at the end of the movie! ALL THE TIME! Even if they’ve just lost loved ones or significant others hours before! 

*And…bikinis…bikinis…bikinis…

Instead of ranking them (impossible) or doing a 17-way “Which Was Worse?” (lunacy), I’m just going to throw out scenes I witnessed and let you know which movie to watch if that’s something you’d like to see.

Spoiler alert…you won’t want to see anything. 

But, here we go, just in case; let’s get in the water!

🦈What sounds better? Zombie Shark or Shark Island? Well, you’re in luck since it’s literally one movie. Check it out under either title, and I guarantee you’ll be disappointed.  

🦈Need to see a shark take down a LEGIT oil rig? The entire thing!  Take that, JAWS 2!!! Find and watch Supershark.

🦈Sharktopus vs. Whalewolf is the movie for you if you’d like to see a mashup of a whale and a wolf that looks like NEITHER of those two animals!

🦈If you ever want to see a movie in which the screenwriter had to have been paid by the word, see Swim. This may have more unnecessary dialogue in a film that I have EVER seen! Normal human beings just don’t speak like this. 

🦈Did you know that hell was populated by apes in sunglasses and girls in bikinis? No? Check out Ouija Shark 2. This is quite possibly the worst of the 17, by the way. 

🦈Land Shark is the movie for you if you’d like to see a shark do a Godzilla impersonation and be taken down by tasers.

🦈If you’d like to see Noah’s Ark, which people have been looking for for centuries, see Noah’s Shark. The people in it go to the top of Mt. Ararat, and BINGO! It’s there! And it’s HUGE! Very well preserved. I’m surprised there weren’t still animals living on it!

🦈Interested in seeing the evil villain at the end being a horrible impersonation of the current president implying he was behind it all along, then you need to see Ouija Shark. The ending was the only part of the movie that was actually believable.

🦈Interested in a mutated shark movie that did nothing to set itself apart from any of the 16 other nonsensical shark movies I watched this week, well, how about Killer Shark?

🦈This is the movie for you if you’d like to see a “Tinder app come to life” turned zombie because of arsenic in a shark. It also features a shark shooting green, toxic goo out of an extra dorsal fin. “It’s that shark goo!” That’s why they call him Toxic Shark!

🦈Interested in seeing a creature with a shark head and octopi's tail that’s able to WALK on its tentacles, you need to see Sharktopus.

🦈Ever wonder what it would look like if a 6th grade art class was put in charge of the special effects for a movie, see Land Shark! Papier Mache at best. 

🦈Well…. shark in a woodchipper. How about that? If that’s on your bingo card, you’ll need to see Ozark Sharks.  And if that doesn’t sell you on it, the last shark is shot with a bomb that results in it being part of a fireworks display. “Should have stayed in the ocean, bitch.”

🦈Do you want to see a gigantic crocodile take out two Orcas at Sea World MID PERFORMANCE followed by a gigantic shark swallowing a nuclear submarine whole, then you’re in luck! Just watch Megashark vs. Crocosaurus. 

🦈If you have any interest in watching Steven Baldwin overact edited in between stock footage of Venice in a movie shot in Bulgaria, then you need to see Shark in Venice.

🦈If you’d like to see Conan O’Brien, playing Conan O’Brien, take a Sharktopus tentacle through the back of his head having it come out of his mouth before the Sharktopus bites off his head, spits it out an in the path of a beach volleyball game where they proceed to play with it, then you must see Sharktopus vs. Pteracuda because I doubt you’ll see that exact parlay anywhere else. 

🦈Would you like to see a shark movie that deals with an actual shark fishing boat and has zero CGI? Well, Killer Shark from 1950 is what you need to see. 

Well, that is a wrap from here at Cinema Wellman as we close the cage door on our first ever Shark Week!

We already have programming planned for the next two years of Shark Week, so we hope you can clear your schedules and get onboard for those. 

Join us next time when the episode will have NOTHING to do with sharks for a change!

Instead we’ll be sharing 10 new CAT movies we’d never seen as we get ready to have a feline visitor to Cinema Wellman!

Hope to see you for that, and until then, take care. 

And remember that my chili always wins the cook off!

WWW#9: ALL the "Headed Shark" Movies!

 WWW#9: ALL the “Headed Shark” Movies!

Hello and welcome to Cinema Wellman. I am your host, David, and it’s time for another episode of “Which Was Worse?!”

Today we (kind of) commemorate the 50th anniversary of JAWS by pitting ALL of the numerical headed shark attack movies against each other!

I recently spent a Sunday afternoon watching approximately 84 people being eaten by four sharks with a total of 16 heads (actually more since some heads regenerated after being cut off, but I digress).

WHY did I do this?

The same reason we do ALL of these “Which Was Worse?” episodes: SO YOU DON’T HAVE TO!

So today we will be all judgy as we try to decide “WWW?” between the following films; 2-Headed Shark Attack, 3-Headed Shark Attack, 5-Headed Shark Attack, AND 6-Headed Shark Attack!

I want you to know that I did NOT skip 4-Headed Shark Attack.

It was never made. Actually a shame any of them were, but we’re here to decide WHICH of these cinematic masterpieces is the WORST!

A reminder that all films are put into the Official Cinema Wellman Which Was Worse? Rubric!

Films earn anywhere from a 1 to a -3 in the following categories; Story & Script, Acting, Special Effects, Self-Awareness, and Effort.

Each film will then be subject to the lightning round where all comments cost one point (and some cost more!) Occasionally I will award a point or two instead. 

Let’s get in the water!

2-Headed Shark Attack (2012)

“1 Body - 2 Heads - And 6,000 Teeth!”

R/88 m/IMDb: 2.5/directed by Christopher Ray

Body Count: approx. 26

2-Headed Shark Attack earned a (-8) in the rubric. Let’s see what’s in store for the “Lightning Round.”

IMDb: “Survivors escape to a deserted atoll after their boat during a Semester at Sea ship is sunk by a mutated two-headed shark. But when the atoll starts flooding, no one is safe from the double jaws of the monster.” 

*1st kill (double) just 1:13 into the movie, so get right at it! (+2)

*sharks teeth are obviously rubber and bend easily

*85% of the budget seemingly went to bikinis - it certainly wasn’t spent on the script

*Charlie O’Connell as one of the leads had me wishing it was older brother Jerry O’Connell - Jerry can’t act either, but…

*Also “starring” Carmen Electra and Brooke Hogan neither of whom can act 

*supposedly a “semester at sea” - would love to see the college that accepted this class of clowns straight out of the stereotype bins

*I thought the CGI was going to be awful, and I was absolutely right

*a shark bites a woman on the leg and doesn’t even draw blood!

*Brooke Hogan’s father is a better actor than she is - so is the CGI shark

*so many dissolves involving bad music and girls in bikinis

*27:58 first loss of bikini tops - surprised it took that long

*huge 2-headed shark bites Hayley and Allison in half in 3 feet of water but keeps them above water while spitting blood and, you know…jiggling about 

*most of the shots are framed in a way that has you expecting the shark to attack at any given moment - most likely done to distract from the script and acting

*”What the fuck is going on here?!?” You are correct, Lindsay!

*guys continue to make sexist jokes and perv on the girls while people are being bitten in half by the shark all over the place - typical (-2)

*Carmen Electra is a doctor?!

*Dr. Electra is miles away from the kids but continues to yell at them to get out of the water

*Nice breach to eat a guy (+2)

*”Why is it still chasing them?” “It’s got TWO HEADS!” What? What does that even mean? (-2)

*people on shore can’t possibly see ANYTHING that’s going on, but react as if it’s happening two feet away

*The size of the shark seems to change with EVERY shot!

*Brooke Hogan’s bikini top seems to get smaller with EVERY shot!

*Brooke Hogan is doing underwater welding while wearing scuba gear - she has never welded or gone scuba diving before - why tell us that?! It’s actually worse than making us believe she can do both!

*Their ship sinks and now the atoll is sinking - watching these untrained actors act as if the ground upon which they are walking is shaking and quaking is really some of the worst acting in the entire film.

*Charlie and Carmen share a kiss as a tsunami wave with the shark in it approaches and eats them - where did that wave come from?

*suddenly the shark isn’t strong enough to demolish a small wooden shed the kids are hiding in

*they use a wet t-shirt as a fuse for a gas barrel bomb  - bomb explodes anyway (without any flame) blowing off one of the shark’s heads 

*The now 1-headed shark stupidly bites the outboard engine of a boat and it explodes. It explodes? Is gasoline kept in the outboard engine itself? I don’t know. I’m just asking. 

*So, after a WWW Rubric score of -8, 2-Headed Shark Attack loses another 24 pts. for a FINAL score of -32.

Let’s add 1 head and go again!

3-Headed Shark Attack (2015)

“More Heads, More Deads”

PG-13/89 m/IMDb: 2.7/directed by Christopher Ray

Body Count: approx. 23

3-Headed Shark Attack earned a -4 in the rubric, so not as bad as 2-Headed Shark Attack…yet.

IMDb: “A mutated three-headed great white shark eats its way from one end of the ship to the next. The passengers have to fight the deadly predator using anything they can find.” 

*nudity 3 minutes in - they waited one minute for each head of the shark (-3)

*the shark’s fin sticks out four feet above the surface yet the shark can hide in two feet of water?

*shark comes out on land for a triple snack - PRE-credits - better CGI than the first one

*we watch a female scuba diver undress for about two minutes - I’m sure that’ll be important to the plot later on (-3)

*there’s an environmental plotline about the garbage patch (+1)

*Are we still doing the old trope with the smoking hot girl wearing glasses and putting her hair up rendering her unattractive? Really? (-3)

*The shark comes up the plumbing and gets a guy on the toilet? 

*Most of the deaths are much better (+1)

*The shark growls like a lion or tiger while trying to eat Rob Van Dam. Did I mention Rob Van Dam is in this?! (-3)

*Shark takes down a paddlewheel boat! (+1)

*Danny Trejo answers the mayday call?! He has henchmen with guns with him (never explained)

*”He can only stay out of the water for so long.” Like how long? Sharks are good out of water at all?

*A guy jumps on the shark’s back and rides it for a bit after chopping down on it with an axe. The shark then does that dog biscuit on a dog’s nose thing and eats the guy. (+3)

*Danny Trejo cuts off one of the heads with a machete! Get it?!

*The shark grows three new heads out of the cut off head hole (-3)

*Shark eats something and dies? Was it Rob Van Dam? (-3)

*So, after a WWW Rubric score of (-4), 3-Headed Shark Attack loses another 18 pts for a FINAL score of -22.

2-Headed Shark Attack is still in the “lead,” adding TWO more heads for…

5-Headed Shark Attack (2017)

“You Can’t Survive the Five!”

PG-13/89 m/IMDb: 3.0/directed by Nico De Leon

Body Count: approx. 21

5-Headed Shark Attack earned a (-4) in the rubric. Let’s see if it can lose enough to unseat 2-Headed Shark Attack!

IMDb: “Shaped like a demented starfish, a monster 5-headed shark terrorizes the open ocean before invading the beaches of Puerto Rico, endangering the once peaceful paradise.” 

*I couldn’t get my hoopla account to work, so I had to shell out .89 to watch this! (-.89)

*One of the first lines is, “Give me more plump.” Not sure what that meant, but a creepy photographer said it to a bikini-clad young woman, so…(-3)

*The shark jumps onto the back of a boat and eats SIX people at once! Did one head eat two people?!?! (-3)

*I swear the shark looked like a grey glove attacking the boat - I thought I saw a wrist! (-2)

*More “evils of plastics” subplots! (+2)

*Head of aquarium is evil and wants to hunt the shark to bring it in and sell tickets - he’ll die early

*According to IMDb, the 5th head is on the tail of the shark, but not in all of the shots

*the shark roars underwater! (-3)

*Whale watch gets to see a humpback whale eaten by Mr. 5 heads! (+2)

*YES! Confirmed! Head #5 is part of the tail! (+5)

*These people aren’t nearly as obnoxious as the other two films (+2)

*They try to use recordings of dolphin noises to manipulate the shark into moving in a certain direction, which kind of makes sense (+1)

*The shark takes down a helicopter! Homage to JAWS 3D, I believe! (+1)

*Guy hooks shark with grappling hook and rides shark until he somehow blows it up - he then pulls a complete Hooper and surfaces after everyone thought he was dead (-2)

*So after a WWW Rubric score of (-4), 5-Headed Shark Attack loses another two points (lots of +’s!!!) for a FINAL score of only a (-6)!!

Now only 6-Headed Shark Attack can beat 2-Headed Shark Attack!

Let’s ADD ANOTHER HEAD!

6-Headed Shark Attack (2018)

“Don’t Mix With the Six!”

PG-13/86 m/IMDb: 2.9/directed by Mark Atkins

Body Count: approx. 14

6-Headed Shark Attack earned a (-6) in the rubric. And before we even get started, another (-6) for the “Don’t Mix With the Six!” tagline. What does that even mean? 

IMDb: “Attendees of a marriage boot camp on a remote island have to fight a 6-headed shark that attacks the beach.” 

*Takes place at a marriage boot camp (-2)

*The shark is running out of room to put new heads!

*Oh, no, they’re pulling a Twister and divorce papers need to be signed!

*Was the lingering closeup of the young woman’s bikini clad crotch in the storyboard? “Just the way we worked that one up, CB!”(-3)

*People are looking to be unfaithful at this marriage boot camp? Seriously? (-2)

*Two heads each grab a guy and do a kind of Stretch Armstrong wishbone thing on him (+1)

*Shark regenerates heads when it loses them. I love that none of this was ever addressed. Ever. (actually a +1 for having the nerve to bypass that)

*The size of this shark changes whenever the script needs it to!

*The shark is CRAWLING on the land, and they DON’T RUN away?! Sorry, you deserved to be eaten (-3)

*Now it’s RUNNING on the beach! (-3 more!) I mean, shouldn’t we have a CLEAR advantage when they’re out of the water?

*Shark bites off one of its own heads and throws it at a guy in a lighthouse (+1)

*Speeding up footage of people swimming away? What is this, “Gilligan’s Island?!” (-2)

*Now the shark appears to be rock climbing. (-3), but that actually made me laugh, so let’s add (+1) as well.

*Shot with flare gun, flare hits air tank in the mouth (of course), and it explodes - come on, I wonder where they got that idea (-1)

*How many final survivors hook up in real life when everything is over? Just asking. 

*So after a WWW Rubric score of (-6), 6-Headed Shark Attack loses another 25 points for a FINAL score of -31, ALMOST defeating what we have now scientifically proven to be the WORST in this series, and that’s 2-Headed Shark. 

This project had me wondering why you begin with an R rated movie, and then go with PG-13 for the other three. Odd strategy, especially when one of the PG-13s had more nudity than the R.

Oh well, all bad, BUT the “WWW#9” winner is 2-Headed Shark.

If you’d like to do this project on your own (not sure why), all you need is 352 minutes of your time to piss away; a crisp 88 minutes each!

These four films also COMBINED for an IMDb score of 11.1, which breaks down to 2.7 per movie, which is generous.

We hope you’re back with us next time when we probably talk about sharks again!

Until then, take care.