WWW? #8: Slotherhouse vs. Llamageddon

 Which Was Worse #8

Slotherhouse vs. Llamageddon

Hello and welcome to Cinema Wellman. I am your host David and today we will once again pit two bad films against one another to determine “Which Was Worse!”

When planning our “WWW?” episodes, we like the films to have something in common. Today we have two animal movies, and they happen to be two of my favorite animals. 

As always, we will use the “Official” Cinema Wellman WWW? Rubric™ where films earn anything from 1 to -3 points before heading to the lightning round. 

A reminder that each of the comments during the lightning round will cost the movie one point unless otherwise indicated.

There are also rare occasions when the film will actually EARN a point or two during the lightning round by doing something that actually pleases me.

Once again, here are the categories:

The Official "Which Was Worse?" Rubric™     

Story/Plotline/Script	1	0	-1	-2	-3
Acting	1	0	-1	-2	-3
Special Effects	1	0	-1	-2	-3
Self-Awareness	1	0	-1	-2	-3
Effort	1	0	-1	-2	-3

Slotherhouse (2023)

PG-13/93 min./IMDb: 4.6/directed by Matthew Goodhue

"Don't Rush, Die Slow"

IMDb: “Emily Young, a senior, wants to be elected as her sorority’s president. She adopts a cute sloth, thinking it can become the new mascot and help her win, until a string of fatalities implicates the sloth as the main suspect in the murders.”

Story/Plotline/Script: 0

Acting: 0

Special Effects: 1

Self-Awareness: 1

Effort: 1

That is an UNPRECEDENTED +3 in the rubric making Slotherhouse the ONLY film to ever escape the rubric with a plus score!

Let’s see how they do in the lightning round!

*Emily runs into a shady exotic animal dealer (of course she does) who wants to sell her a sloth so she can bring it back to her sorority house.

*Hateful bully sorority sisters I want the sloth to kill, and the sloth isn’t even there yet. I went to Vanessa’s sorority house, and it was nothing like this. 

*When they introduce each character, we see their social media info, number of followers, etc. (+1)

*Sigma Lambda Theta? Is that real? SLT? Sloth?! (+1)

*The exotic animal dealer was a creep, and he treated the animals poorly? Didn’t see that coming! (-2)

*Emily is kind of stupid. When she goes to the exotic pet store to pick up the sloth, the store is deserted, the sloth is out of her cage, so she just picks up the sloth and leaves. Sloth had killed the creepy dude, of course. 

*No pets in the house unless it’s the house mascot. The girls vote to keep the sloth as the house mascot, so they kind of invited her in like a vampire. All will die. 

*They name the sloth Alpha. Alpha is cute. Murderous, but cute. (+1)

*You CAN own a sloth! I looked it up! It is legal to own a two-toed sloth in Arkansas, Florida (with a permit), Indiana, Iowa, Kansas, Minnesota, Michigan, Mississippi, Montana, New York, Nevada, North Carolina, Oregon, Texas, and South Dakota (with a health certificate). Not sure if the health certificate is for the sloth or the owner. They grow to about 2 feet long, weigh up to 17 pounds, and live more than 30 years. Get on that list Massachusetts! (+1)

*Mean Girls if Mean Girls had a killer sloth. They even have a character suddenly hit by a car! (+1)

*“Can I pet her?” “Sure!” I know nothing about this animal or its temperament, but sure, put your hands on her! (-2)

*The killing spree montage is awesome. I love that they totally ignore the fact that sloths are slow. This one has moves! (+1)

*Alpha drugs the girls so they’re paralyzed and then she kills them. 

*Alpha zips a girl in a sleeping bag and tosses her off a bridge. That happened! Alpha also kills one of the girls in the hospital by putting a pillow over her face. That ALSO happened! 

*The sloth is TECH savvy! After killing the girls, she goes online and updates their socials saying they moved or went away on vacation! Brilliant! (+1)

*Alpha drives a sports car!!!! Toonces the Driving Sloth! Sloth also may have gone to trade school at some point since she has a working knowledge of plumbing and electrical. (+1)

*So, is just this movie sloth fast, or are ALL sloths fast and they just don’t want us to know about it?

*An extremely stereotypical portrayal of a lesbian character was disappointing since they did a lot of other things right. (-3)

*“You can’t go back in there, it’s a Slotherhouse!” and all the girls moan and groan about how dumb that is. Roll credits! (-2)

*“I love you.” “I know.” Can we please retire that? It should only have been used once anyway! (-2)

*Alpha wears the tiara put aside for the House President. (+1)

*Credit for them making this film WITHOUT gratuitous nudity. This is a PG-13 movie. Plenty of opportunities to add nudity and make it R, but they refrained. Kudos! (+2)

*The sloth says, “Home,” at the end! Like E.T.! Wait, the sloth could talk this whole time?!?! (-2)

*They do a “One Year Later” that shows the girls at the house at a charity booth. The animal rights organization is called F.E.T.C.H. which stands for Fighting for Ethical Treatment, Care and Humanity! One of their messages is, “Don’t get a sloth. They’ll kill you.” (+3)

*Closing credits, “No animals were harmed in the making of this film.” “No AI was used in the creation of this film.” Good for them! Fuck you, AI! (+3)

There were quite a few positives there, and when all the math was done, the final score for Slotherhouse is a ZERO!

The all-time high for a WWW film was a -9 for The Mean One from WWW#6, so history tells us there’s no way Llamageddon is going to best that, but let’s make sure…

Llamageddon (2015)

UR/69 min./IMDb: 3.9/directed by Howie Dewin

"A Wooly Terror from Space!"

IMDb: “A killer llama from outer space crash lands on Earth and brings death and destruction to everyone in its path.”

Story/Plotline/Script: -1

Acting: -3 (only because that’s the maximum on the rubric)

Special Effects: 0

Self-Awareness: -1

Effort: -2

Llamageddon goes into the lightning round with a -7 which is going to be extremely difficult to make up. 

*Begins with an animated sequence over heavy metal music that will prove to be better than anything and everything this movie has to offer. (+1)

*They used real llamas and just gave them laser eyes. SNL did this with “Laser Cats!” (+1)

*The acting is abysmal. To be fair, it appears that none of these people are trained actors. Slack should be given, right? Maybe not. (-2)

*I called it two minutes in! Llamageddon is worse than Slotherhouse!

*“Since when did Mema and Pep-Pep get a llama?” That almost got REALLY weird!!!

*Howie Dewin directed. Get it? It’s not going to help them in any way. (-5)

*Grandparents killed in their own house by llama, and mom GIVES the house to the grandkids and leaves them there unattended. All should die via llama. (-2)

*Busch Lite sponsorship perhaps? Maybe they ponied up the $1,200 this crap must have cost to make. 

*This is only 69 minutes long and there’s a slow-motion dance scene after a dirty joke that lasts almost a full minute. How We Doin' Now? (-2)

*On IMDb, the cast features only ONE cast member who has a photo with their credit! I don’t think I’ve ever seen that before.

*Lasers from the llama’s eyes set people on fire and burn them, BUT they also explode and spray ALL of the blood on others? (-2)

*Me, “Give me this script and I could find strangers on the street, and they’d do a better job than this.” The acting almost made it unwatchable. 

*There was a scene in this movie that caused me to pause and rewind two or three times since I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. There’s an old stoner phrase involving alpacas that I was hoping they wouldn’t include in the film. Not only did they include it, they did it with a 5 second 4th wall silent stare directly into the camera. I timed it. And, not that it matters to them, llamas and alpacas are not the same. Would you make a crocodile joke in a movie about alligators? Actually, I’m sure they would.  (-5)

*The llama punches a girl in the face repeatedly with their hooves and it makes a flesh-on-flesh sound. Not that the sound effect was the biggest problem with this sequence. There are TWO such scenes in this movie! (-2)

*The blood appears to be hosed out of a squirt gun or a Super Soaker. (-2)

*There’s projectile vomiting that’s obviously just water from a pressurized hose. I know I complain about movie vomiting all the time, but at least put in the effort to make it look like vomit. Lazy.  (-2)

*One guy turns into a llama. Not sure why. Did he touch llama blood or something? Llama may have bitten him at one point, but you can imagine how checked out I was by now.

*Humans are sprinting to get away from the llama, and the llama is just patiently strolling after them. Meandering, I may say. Good for the llama! (+1)

*Since they couldn’t film the guy turning into a llama, it went back to animation for the llama transformation. As I’ve said many times before, just make a cartoon. (-2)

*The llama guy looks like he gives birth to a series of furry eggs. The filmmakers do realize that llamas are mammals, yes? They do realize llamas don’t lay eggs, yes? (-2)

*Llama boy does the old, “Kill me…” we’ve seen so many times before in so many better movies. (-2)

*Louie the Llama got an AIC!!! Easily the best part of this. (+1)

*Llama is run over by a thresher! How can you not evade huge farm machinery! You’re an alien llama!

*Something that I have NEVER seen before. Over the closing credits, they show a timelapse of the ENTIRE FUCKING FILM! (-69, one for each minute of this movie I sat through)

*“No llamas were harmed during the production of this film. Only the dignities of all those involved.” Well, I can’t argue with that at all.  (+1)

That one positive point at the end did NOT help at all, and Llamageddon ends up with a final score of -113 which sets an all-time WWW record, so not only is it worse than Slotherhouse, Llamageddon is worse than ANY of the 20 films we’ve screened in the history of WWW!

And that bar is set pretty low for the future. That record may stand for a while. 

Well, that is a wrap for a history making “Which Was Worse?” episode.

We hope you return next time when we take a look at “Soundtrack Saturation.” 

Do you ever watch a movie and hear a song and say, that song is in every movie?!

We’re going to look at THOSE movies! 

Can you think of any?

Until then, take care. 

July Screenings: Best & Worst

 July Screenings: Best & Worst

Hello and welcome to Cinema Wellman. I am your host David, and July is history which means the summer is half over. I was much more upset about that when I was teaching.

Now July and August are just two more months I get to work!

And I have been working quite a lot which has cut into production time which has resulted in fewer episodes recently.

Hannah would remind me that I make all the rules here and there really is no set schedule. 

My OCD had a problem with that, but I’ve been dealing with that and some other things recently, and I think I’ve sorted most of it out. 

So, we’re back in business with the worst and the best of the month of July, and we will begin as we always do….

THE WORST

Shadow in the Cloud (2020)

R/83 min./IMDb: 5.0/directed by Roseanne Liang

This one is on me. 

I guess that’s a silly thing to say since ALL of this is really on me.

Nobody but the Academy MAKES me watch movies, and this one certainly wasn’t nominated for any Oscars when it was released four years ago.

The premise of Shadow in the Clouds sounded like a re-telling of a favorite “Twilight Zone” episode of mine, so I thought I’d give it a shot.

It was only 83 minutes after all, which should have been a red flag. 

IMDb: “A female WWII pilot traveling with top secret documents on a B-17 Flying Fortress encounters an evil presence on board the flight.”

Chloe Grace Moretz stars, and I have nothing against her although I HATED Kick-Ass! (Not her fault!)

Moretz is Maude, the female WWII pilot of which there were over 1,000 during the real war, so no issue there. 

I did have an issue with an over-the-top display of misogyny and vulgarity as the male crew discusses her presence on the mission over the radio (which Maude can hear).

I realize there was hazing, and it was crude, but this could have been toned down 50% and we’d still hate every man on the plane and want them to die.

It was unnecessary. 

I mentioned that Maude could hear them on the radio because she’s in the bubble under the plane where the ball turret gunner sat.

We don’t see anyone other than Moretz in her glass bubble for most of the movie, which I thought was an interesting strategy, but then they abandon it when this whole thing goes off the rails and Maude sees a creature on the wing.

Here come the spoilers since I really don’t think you should see this.

And I’ll make it quick.

Maude sees the creature multiple times, but nobody else does (of course). 

When we finally see the creature, it appears to be a gigantic rat with a man’s body? It’s terrible makeup, it’s terrible prosthetics, it’s terrible CGI. Whatever they used, it’s terrible.

Then it’s revealed that the valise containing the top-secret documents actually contains her baby she had with one of the men on board who they’re now showing for some reason.

The plane crashes and this baby is some kind of John Wick baby because it survives so many things that would instantly kill a tiny baby. 

I was NOT rooting for the baby to die!

I’m just saying...John...Wick...baby.

This isn’t even worth 83 minutes of your time. They do end up killing that rat thing, but by the time that happened I really didn’t care.

I was hoping the baby was going to fight the rat man thing. 

Next is a sci-fi movie from 1969, and if you’re thinking that all sci-fi from that era is pure cheese, Kubrick made 2001: A Space Odyssey the year before. 

The makers of Moon Zero Two must have missed that.

Moon Zero Two (1969)

G/100 min./IMDb: 4.5/directed by Roy Ward Baker

IMDb: “A space salvage expert and his partner become involved with a group of criminals intent on hijacking a small asteroid made of sapphire and crashing it into the moon.”

Yes. You heard that correctly.

Every once in a while, I run across a bad movie that I don’t even bother to jot down notes for while watching. 

I go right to my phone and start recording short videos.

Whenever I do that, I like to present my thoughts as they were recorded in their stream of consciousness manner.

I love that all of these videos are recorded in the dark.

Here we go:

*This trash was unfortunately released a couple of months AFTER the actual moon landing, so people had already seen the real thing! Why watch this bullshit?!

*It’s supposed to take place in 2021! Nothing better than a sci-fi film from the 60s or 70s trying to predict years we’ve already lived! They have us wearing all one-piece garments, and most of it is shiny! I missed that fashion trend. And I’ll bring it up again...I was promised flying cars in 7th grade!!!!

*The astronauts are drinking out of juice boxes! Did this movie invent the juice box?!?!

*The guns look like Smith & Wesson handguns that have been bedazzled! It’s a western, and it’s a bad one.

*I love their use of the lunar module! I’m sure NASA saw this and said, “I wish we could do that!”

Go to IMDb and watch the trailer. Save yourself the time. You’ll see what I’m talking about. 

Now let’s talk about the best of July and I’m going to begin with a duo of films that I would usually dismiss due to what they are.

Twisters (2024) and 

Beverly Hills Cop: Axel F (2024)

PG-13/122 min./IMDb: 7.1/directed by Lee Isaac Chung

R/118 min./IMDb: 6.5/directed by Mark Molloy

Let’s begin with a couple of math problems:

Twisters (2024) - Twister (1996) = 28 years

Beverly Hills Cop: Axel F (2024) - Beverly Hills Cop III (1994) = 30 years

If you’ve spent any time here with us in Cinema Wellman, you know how we tend to loathe sequels and reboots and re-imaginings and standalone sequels and legacy sequels and standalone legacy sequels if they even exist.

Get an original idea, people! We don’t want to see the same old warmed up junk on our plates year after year.

It’s why I tend to sometimes go overboard about loving movies that are original.

All of that being said, I enjoyed both of these movies and would recommend them to anyone who enjoyed the originals. 

According to Screen Rant, Twisters is, get this, “not a remake or reboot of the original Twister, but a standalone sequel.”

As Lysa always said, whatever. 

IMDb: “A retired tornado-chaser and meteorologist is persuaded to return to Oklahoma to work with a new team and new technologies.”

And an old plot. 

The effects were fun, and that’s what drives that “story” anyway. I saw it in the IMAX which was fun although I had to move my seat up two rows because of the sound.

It was painfully loud.

I don’t recall ever having done that before. 

And if you like Eddie Murphy, definitely check out Beverly Hills Cop: Axel F.

IMDb will provide all you need to know about this sequel; “Axel Foley returns to Beverly Hills after his daughter’s life is threatened and works with old pals John Taggart and Billy Rosewood to uncover a conspiracy.”

Murphy still has the charm that made us like Axel so many years ago, and I forgave the fact that there were two chase scenes in the first 25 minutes of the movie. 

I guess I have a better chance at liking your sequel if you wait 28-30 years before making it. 

Faye (2024)

PG/91 min./IMDb: 7.1/directed by Laurent Bouzereau

IMDb: “Faye Dunaway reflects on her life and candidly discusses the triumphs and challenges of her illustrious career.”

Since this is a documentary about Faye Dunaway, it obviously helps if you’re a fan of hers, which I am. 

Hollywood history is filled with stories about “difficult” actresses. 

To me this always meant that the women were strong, spoke their mind, and advocated for themselves. 

Several traits' men in Hollywood had no time for apparently since they complained about it all the time.

I guess women were expected to keep their mouths shut and do everything the men told them to. 

I’m happy to report that there were a ton of women who spoke up and made things “difficult” for the male producers and directors. 

Faye Dunaway certainly has this reputation, and there are certain segments of the interview in this documentary that kind of show her being a tad, shall I say, difficult?

At one point she asks for a glass of water. When she’s brought a bottle of water, she accepts it but rolls her eyes and says, “I asked for a glass of water, but…”

I thoroughly enjoyed this look at the long and storied career of Dunaway with her first-person accounts of working on some excellent films during her career.

My personal Faye Dunaway Top 5:

*Network

*The Thomas Crown Affair

*Three Days of the Condor

*Bonnie and Clyde

*Chinatown

This documentary also reminded me of one of the all-time greatest “Hollywood” photos ever taken!

Dunaway was nominated for three Oscars, winning one for Best Actress in Network.

The photo, which is on the blog (cinemawellman.com) and on the screen now if you’re watching on the YouTubes, shows Dunaway in the wee hours after her Oscar win at the pool of the Beverly Hills Hotel on March 29, 1977.

She’s dressed in silk and high heels; the trades are all strewn at her feet, her Oscar is on the table, and she looks totally wiped out.

It’s so very “Hollywood,” I may need to get a copy of that for the studio at some point. 

Next is a prequel? Really? How’d they get me to bite on a prequel being good?

Oh right, Furiosa kind of set that precedent earlier this year.

A Quiet Place: Day One (2024)

PG-13/99 min./IMDb: 6.5/directed by Michael Sarnoski

IMDb: “A young woman named Sam finds herself trapped in New York City during the early stages of an invasion by alien creatures with ultra-sensitive hearing.”

This is the third in this series created by John Krasinski. He directed the first two which starred Emily Blunt.

They are not around for this prequel, but those scary monsters with impeccable hearing certainly are. 

In numbers!

Lupita Nyong’o is Sam who is dealing with some very difficult times BEFORE the creatures show up. 

Since the monsters can hear every tiny sound people make, I found it very suspenseful at times. 

And I think the monsters are terrifying. And fast!

They’ll make quick work of you, that’s for sure. 

I liked this a lot, but isn’t the first movie technically also “Day One?” Aren’t we with Emily Blunt and family when these things show up? We’re just with different people when these things show up in this movie?

I may be wrong. That wouldn’t be a surprise. 

But I liked this movie regardless of that nitpick.

One movie left and it’s about faking the moon landing.

So, it’s a documentary!

Fly Me to the Moon (2024)

PG-13/132 min./IMDb: 6.8/directed by Greg Berlanti

Just joking about the documentary part. We definitely went to the moon in 1969, and Stanley Kubrick had nothing to do with it. 

IMDb: “Marketing maven Kelly Jones wreaks havoc on launch director Cole Davis’s already difficult task. When the White House deems the mission too important to fail, the countdown truly begins.”

Kelly Jones is played by Scarlett Johannsen and Channing Tatum (not a fan) plays Cole Davis.

I thought they had some good screen chemistry going, and the supporting cast is also quite good. 

Woody Harrelson plays government agent Moe Berkus. Berkus is working for Nixon and pulls all the strings behind the scenes when the government decides they need to fake the moon landing in case the real one doesn’t work. 

The production design and costumes are wonderfully 1969, and it was fun seeing people smoking on airplanes again!

This was also a bit of a rarity in that I liked this movie so much and it was 2 hours and 12 minutes! I usually complain about that.

I guess they did a good job distracting me with all the space stuff and Scarlett.

Well done!

Fly Me to the Moon reminded me at times of 1997’s Wag the Dog, but that film was much darker.

If you haven’t seen that, put that on a list. That one will have you wondering how much you should believe about what the media tells you, and that was made 27 years ago!

Well, that is a wrap from here at Cinema Wellman as we recap the worst and best from the month of July.

We hope you’ll join us again next time as we present “Which Was Worse” 8: Slotherhouse vs. Llamageddon.

Two of my favorite animals go head-to-head to, I’m guessing, see how many humans they can kill?

That’s just a guess on my part. The animals may be all about helping the humans in those movies. 

Join us when we find out, and until then, take care.