Simians

 Simians

Hello and welcome to Cinema Wellman. I am your host David, and today I should actually be saying “Welcome to the Monkey House” because we’re going to take a look at simians in films over the years.

When it comes to movie monkeys, there are three kinds: animated, enhanced, and real. 

I say there are three types of movie monkeys, because, in real life, there’s only one kind of monkey, and that’s murderous. 

Years ago, on a field trip to the National Zoo in Washington, D.C. I wandered into the monkey house which was beautifully set up.  There were no bars, just plexiglass between the people and the apes. 

There was a gigantic silverback gorilla sitting right next to the glass, so I sat down beside him.

It was amazing sitting so close to such a huge and powerful animal. We were like two old friends sitting on a park bench. 

But when I looked into his eyes, my blood ran cold. The look in his eyes said, “If this glass wasn’t here, I’d rip your arm off and beat you to death with it.”

But we’re not here to talk about real life, we’re here to talk about movies, and today that means movie monkeys!

If you’re a regular here at Cinema Wellman, you may recall me talking about a period of about five years in which I screened my movies by monthly themes.

One of those theme months was “Simians.” I’m always in search of episode ideas and when I saw that theme list, Simians stuck out like two opposable thumbs as the theme to tackle first. 

During the original “Simian Month,” I screened 23 “Monkey Movies” and kept track of how many people they killed. 

Because I had to keep track of something, of course.

There was a total of 229 DBMs (Death by Monkey), or an average of 9.95 humans killed per movie.

Two ape franchises led the league that month; the five films I screened in the King Kong series killed 99 humans while the six Planet of the Apes series films screened disposed of 96 humans.

Not that all monkeys murder people.

Some of them don’t. 

I don’t think Bonzo ever killed anyone. Or the Barefoot Executive. So, there’s at least two non-murdering monkeys. 

On the other hand, there’s Gordy from Nope who kind of evens out that ledger. 

First up is animation, but there’s not a lot out there as far as animated monkeys in movies, and let’s face it, there are more interesting animals out there to animate. Monkeys do so much on their own, they don’t need to be animated. 

There’s a series about The Monkey King that I am unfamiliar with, and monkeys are also important characters in animated films such as The Jungle Book, Aladdin, Kubo and the Two Strings, and Kung Fu Panda.

Good monkey movies, fun animated monkey movies worth a look, but today we’re going to concentrate on the other two types of movie monkeys: the enhanced and the real. 

By “enhanced,” I’m referring to anything from “guy in monkey suit” to models/puppets/animatronics to CGI.

And real is real, and real must be terrifying to work with at times. Just ask the remaining cast of that fictional sitcom “Gordy’s Home.” 

The real monkeys will need to wait because we’ll begin with some enhanced movie monkeys. 

While we’re not going to talk about the film, I just want you to picture in your mind the flying monkeys from The Wizard of Oz for a second.

They scared the hell out of me when I was a kid.

And an adult.

Those uniformed fez-wearing simians live rent free in my nightmares. 

Yikes.

I felt like I couldn’t do an episode about movie monkeys without including them. So creepy. 

I already mentioned two monkey series, so let’s start there.

The O.G. of Monkey Movies is, without a doubt, King Kong. With versions made in 1933, 1962 (vs. Godzilla), 1967 (when he escapes), 1976, 2005, 2017 (on Skull Island), 2021 (vs. Godzilla again!), and with another Kong - Godzilla movie coming next month in which they fight a Kaiju orangutan…that is one full monkey house!

 

Since this ape is huge, all films in the series used enhanced versions of Kong ranging from literally a guy in a monkey suit to puppets, animatronics, and, of course, modern C.G.I.

I am a fan of the 1933 version with Fay Wray as the damsel in distress, but, as you can imagine, the 1933 effects pale in comparison to what can be created today.

The story, however, can’t be enhanced by CGI, and Kong certainly has a story.

And we side with Kong every time.

Not his fault he was snatched from his natural environment and brought to “civilization” to be exploited and mistreated as “entertainment.”

Kill all the humans you want, Kong. I’m with you.

The big guy has a thing for blondes since Jessica Lange followed Fay Wray in the 1976 version who was then followed by Naomi Watts in the 2005 version.

“Oh no, it wasn’t the airplanes. It was beauty killed the beast.”

Another monster monkey franchise has a new entry in May when Kingdom of the Planet of the Apes opens.

Even with the big budgets and the admittedly excellent CGI in the modern Planet of the Apes movies, I have to say that I still prefer the original series of five movies over the updated four, soon to be five movies.

It must be something about the overacting of Chuck Heston and James Franciscus along with the campy vibe that tips the scales to the 70s.

The surprise ending of the original is one of the most imitated and parodied scenes in film history.

First time I saw it? Gob smacked.

It’s like finding out what Soylent Green is for the first time!

 

Other notable enhanced movie monkeys include Mighty Joe Young, Bernie the Gorilla (expertly voiced by Nick Nolte) in Zookeeper, Buddy the Gorilla in Buddy (which also featured two real chimps playing catch with a meat cleaver!), and Max the Chimp in Max, Mon Amour.

That last movie was, pardon the pun, absolute bananas. 

It’s about a woman played by Charlotte Rampling who takes a chimp as her lover. 

Yes. That is correct.

There was an oral sex scene in the script that was never shot because the filmmakers thought it may have been too disturbing to see.

The stuff they shot was too disturbing to see!

The last enhanced monkey I wanted to mention is the gorilla in

Sylvio.

I came across this movie totally by accident and I loved it!

Sylvio is a gorilla in Baltimore who becomes a star on a local afternoon talk show due to his propensity to destroy things. 

Problem is Sylvio is, in reality, a very gentle gorilla who wouldn’t hurt a fly.

Sylvio doesn’t speak, but he does understand humans, dresses like them, and leads a “human-like” existence. 

I was surprised at how sweet this film was. Parts of it were very funny, but it was actually quite poignant. 

You don’t usually get poignant when monkeys are involved.

Unless that monkey movie is Mighty Joe Young. 

There’s a family story involving this movie that I love because it was a sneak peek into who my then little girls would be when they grew up and became women (in the blink of an eye, I may add!).

Dakota and Hannah were watching Mighty Joe Young and there’s a scene where Joe climbs to the top of a Ferris Wheel which then collapses to the ground.

It’s a pretty harrowing scene, as I recall.

Dakota, who is now a very sensitive, caring adult who admittedly gets “very tied to inanimate objects, animals, and fictional characters” began to cry because she thought Joe, who just wanted to be understood, was dead.

Hannah, who is now a very supportive, loving adult comforted her sister by saying, in her “little Hannah voice” as Dakota tells it, “The monkey’s okay.”

Little did I know that I was seeing the future while watching Mighty Joe Young.

Now the real monkeys! When filmmakers thought it would be a good idea to use an actual simian as opposed to a guy in a monkey suit!

I’m sure NONE of them regretted that decision!

Ten years ago, when I devoted an entire month to Simian Movies, I watched seven monkey movies that were new to me. To prepare for this episode I watched eight new monkey movies, and SIX of them featured real monkeys!

Before I get to some of the newly screened films, I want to mention some classics that decided to go the real monkey route. 

There was the chimp Matthew Broderick and Helen Hunt smuggled out of a research facility in Project X, the razor wielding Capuchin in Monkey Shines, and the trio of orangutans Tony Danza has to take care of for five years to inherit five million dollars in Going Ape. 

On another level is Manis the Orangutan, better known as Clyde in Every Which Way but Loose starring alongside Clint Eastwood.

Clyde drank beer, fought, and flipped people the bird in a movie that was considered entertainment in the late 70s. 

Manis was also the main monkey in that Tony Danza movie, appeared in Cannonball Run, and did episodes of “Cheers” and “Fantasy Island.” 

Before wrapping things up, I want to talk about a few of the new monkey movies I screened to prepare for this episode.

First up is Dunston Checks In starring an Orangutan and “Seinfeld’s” Jason Alexander in that order. 

This one features monkey spit (another great D.C. field trip story!) followed by the line, “Monkey spit. How delicious.” Spoiler alert…it is not.

Alexander also threatens the orangutan by telling him, “I’ve got two words for you. Medical experiments.”

A tad dark for a family comedy perhaps?

The best part of this movie was the scene that shows Dunston watching Planet of the Apes on his hotel room television.  

I also watched something titled M.V.P.: Most Valuable Primate starring a hockey playing chimpanzee. 

He shoots, he scores, he eats bananas. 

Jack was actually played by three chimps: Bernie, Mac, and Louie.

There’s a sequel involving a skateboarding chimp that I did not go near. 

Monkey Trouble was an odd little mess with Thora Birch, a kleptomaniac Capuchin (played by Finster), and Harvey Keitel playing a character that is an embarrassment to the Romani people. 

The best line in the film, and a sentence you never ever want to hear in any real-life situation; “He’s got my gun. The monkey took my gun.”

One of the earliest entries on the list of band names I have going with Hannah is “Monkey with a Shotgun.”

Terrifying.

And closing things out today because I can’t even begin to talk about Monkey Up or Ape (on next month’s worst list) is Gibby about a motherless gymnast (NOT made by Disney) who is aided in her grieving/healing process by a capuchin monkey named Gibby. 

Not making light of the premise at all because animals are a great help to people trying to overcome life’s obstacles. All for that.

Gibby isn’t a bad movie at all, and the actress in the title role does a stellar job. 

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Crystal the Monkey. 

Gibby is far from Crystal’s first film credit. She’s a veteran!

Let’s take a look at Crystal the Capuchin’s filmography. She has two uncredited appearances in the Dr. Dolittle films as “drunk monkey,” she was “Monkey with Garage Band” in American Pie, she plays Dexter in all of the Night at the Museum movies and was “Donald the Monkey” in Zookeeper.

Oh! She was also “Drug Dealing Monkey” in The Hangover Part II. 

This little monkey has some range. 

Another pair of capuchins worth mentioning are Monkey and Katy. They were the monkey in Outbreak and, if you’re a “Friends” fan, Marcel.

But I’m only mentioning them because they had a cameo in Showgirls.

It may have ruined their career.

I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention my all-time favorite television monkeys, and that would be the cast of “Lancelot Link: Secret Chimp.”

That’s just gold. Pure gold.

Thank you, Lance and all of your movie monkey friends.

Join us next week when we attempt to explain whatever the hell Ape was along with all the other films that will make up February’s Best & Worst list.

Until then, take care. 

And don’t forget…the monkey’s okay.

Unless it’s trying to murder you.