February Screenings: Best & Worst
Hello and welcome to Cinema Wellman. I am your host David, and another month is in the books so it’s once again time to take a look at the Best & Worst of the past 29 days.
We will once again exclude any movies nominated for a current Oscar since our Oscar Ballot will be revealed next week, and those films will be covered at that time.
We have seven movies to discuss today with three on the “Worst” side and four on the “Best.”
Two of the worst were leftovers from my recent Monkey Binge, so let’s start with one of those and beware of poo flinging!
Monkey Up (2016)
PG/83 min/IMDb: 3.7/directed by Robert Vince
I should have known better. I knew I shouldn’t have tempted fate and watched ONE more monkey movie!
And yet, here we are.
Truth be told I watched this for Crystal the Monkey and Crystal the Monkey alone!
I was impressed with her work in other films and wanted to give this one a shot.
Unfortunately, they had her speak in this movie, AND she was voiced by a male!!!!
So disappointed.
The parents in this movie are absolutely terrible. They make Mr. & Mrs. McCallister from Home Alone look like Parents of the Year in comparison!
At one point, the father utters the line, “You mean a talking monkey has been living in my house for months, and I didn’t know about it?!”
Yes. That’s exactly what I mean, and you are an idiot.
And the kids were so bad. I hate to pick on kid actors, but this acting should never have left the middle school stage.
Not for nothing, but all those monkey movies, and this was the ONLY one that resorted to monkeys flinging poo.
Not Crystal’s fault, and she wasn’t one of the flingers, but…
Monkey Up was a King Kong sized helping of monkey poo.
Next up, I once again get totally SCREWED by the Best Original Song category!
Don Juan DeMarco (1994)
PG-13/97 min/IMDb: 6.7/directed by Jeremy Levin
My favorite Johnny Depp movies are Ed Wood, Donnie Brasco, Blow, Edward Scissorhands, and A Nightmare on Elm Street.
I pretty much dislike every other movie he’s ever made.
Now that list of many dislikes includes Don Juan DeMarco. It was early on in his career, but this performance included the kind of acting Depp decided to do in the second half of his career, and I’m not a fan.
Depp plays the title character; a man presenting himself as the fictional Spanish libertine Don Juan.
Marlon Brando (also not a fan) plays the psychiatrist who is brought in to “cure” Depp.
This role could have been played by two dozen other actors his age. He brings nothing to the table other than his inability to memorize his lines.
I guess this is a film about mental health? Although I’m not sure the filmmakers cared enough about mental health to make a film that respects it.
Next up, the very WORST of the month, and the last of the Monkey Movies.
Ape (1976)
PG/86 min/IMDb: 2.7/directed by Paul Leder
There was a scene in this film that absolutely stunned me. I’m approaching 9,000 different films, and I can still be stunned. It’s one of the reasons I love movies so much.
But not movies like this one.
I was so shocked by what I saw that I had to take a short video I then sent to a bunch of people.
The reply was basically, “What the hell are you watching?!?”
The film opens with the Ape breaking free from his cage on a tanker in the middle of the ocean. He somehow blows up the ship, and then wrestles a great white shark for all of some time.
The ape wrestles the shark standing up. What was he standing on? Is that the shallow part of the middle of the ocean?
Talk about a reflection of real life at the time (1976), a male character at an airport approaches the counter and asks if a female passenger is on a specific flight!!!
He’s then given accurate information!!!
Just in case, you know, he’s stalking her.
Remember Joanna Kerns? She played Carol Seaver on “Growing Pains.” Nice woman from what I can tell, decent actress as well, and now also a director.
This was her film debut, under the name Joanna DeVarona. Happy to say there were better things to come for her. At least she didn’t get naked in this mess.
I’m sure she was asked.
This ape destroys shit all over the place, but he doesn’t kill a hang glider and decides instead to play with it like a butterfly?
I’m not buying that.
“The press can wait. I’m gonna smoke this goddamn cigarette!” Quality screenwriting.
When “Ape” is walking through a pasture and steps over a “cow” which is obviously a plastic toy with a wind-up tail, I knew I was in rarified air with this one.
They actually mention King Kong in this movie, as does the poster!
This would be included in a must-see bad movies list if it wasn’t for two scenes that make light of rape.
“Now remember, Greg, rape her gently.”
That was played as a joke. Disgraceful. And they bring it back again. For another laugh. Sigh.
I rarely read the reviews on IMDb, but I noticed one for Ape and have to share it. Here it goes, and I wish I said it first; “This movie hates you. No two ways about it. It wants to hurt you for seeing it.”
No notes.
On to the Best of February and proof that my AMC Stubs A-List membership has been paying off so far.
I saw three of the four February best on the big screen with my new enemy Nicole Kidman.
I hate that promo/intro SO MUCH.
Make her stop. Please.
Scrambled (2023)
R/97 min/IMDb: 6.8/directed by Leah McKendrick
I’m always pleasantly surprised when I enjoy a movie for which I’m obviously not the intended demographic audience.
This comedy (with just enough drama to make me tear up) is about a woman struggling with the idea of freezing her eggs for future use.
Leah McKendrick wrote, directed and starred in this semi-autobiographical film IMDb describes as follows: “A thirty-something eternal bridesmaid goes on an empowering, and often hilarious, journey of self-discovery.”
This film was not made for old white guys, and yet this old white guy thought it was delightful.
I guess I was supposed to identify with the young woman’s father, played by Clancy Brown who is closed-minded, old-fashioned, and for the most part unsupportive.
Instead, I was open-minded, supported Nellie, and sympathized with her as the seemingly endless parade of losers and weirdos she has to choose from shows they are anything but desirable.
I can only imagine how difficult it is for women these days who are looking for a “normal” person to share their life with only to be creeped on by rando after rando with off putting personalities and more baggage than the lost luggage counter at Spirit Airlines.
Sending you positive energy ladies. Be careful out there.
Next up is a horror comedy romance movie, of all things.
Lisa Frankenstein (2024)
PG-13/101 min/IMDb: 6.6/directed by Zelda Williams
IMDb: “A coming of rage love story about a teenager and her crush, who happens to be a corpse. After a set of horrific circumstances bring him back to life, the two embark on a journey to find love, happiness, and a few missing body parts.”
Kathryn Newton (Freaky) plays Lisa, while her dead beau is played by Cody from the Disney Channel’s old show “The Suite Life of Zack & Cody,” Cole Sprouse.
I have not seen Cole since my daughters watched that show (unwatchable!), and I think he does an excellent job as the reanimated corpse.
I mean that.
It’s a non-verbal role, and Sprouse does a commendable job displaying emotion through his grunting and the movements of his decayed face and body.
They never really explain how he gets reanimated, but I seemed to forgive that rather easily.
First time director Zelda Williams (Robin’s daughter) does a good job in this campy comedy set in 1989.
Zelda was in good hands since this was written by Diablo Cody. Keep writing, Diablo!
Carla Gugino is deliciously hateful as Lisa’s stepmother Janet, and I loved the little reverse “girl gets hot by removing glasses” trope by having Lisa become more attractive and popular the darker she gets.
Nice touch.
Next up is an animated kid's film written by the guy who wrote Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and Being John Malkovich!
Orion and the Dark (2024)
G/93 min/IMDb: 6.4/directed by Sean Charmatz
Yes! Charlie Kaufman wrote a kid's movie, and it’s tremendous!
IMDb: “A boy with an active imagination faces his fears on an unforgettable journey through the night with his new friend: a giant, smiling creature named Dark.”
John Malkovich not included.
Orion is a boy who is afraid of pretty much everything. I wasn’t like that when I was younger, but I have to admit he reminded me a lot of my current self!
Something Orion is really afraid of is the dark, and when he meets Dark, adventure ensues. Good feelings, a nice message, etc.
It’s Dreamworks, people!
And it’s on Netflix, and it’s only 93 minutes! Winner winner! You should watch it!
I enjoyed the characters who accompany Dark and are all part of our nightly sleep, Sweet Dreams, Insomnia, Quiet, Unexplained Noises, and good old Sleep.
Each character has a part to play every night, and it was fun seeing Orion going on this adventure with them. He faces his fears and learns that there’s nothing about the dark to be afraid of.
Unless there are clowns in the dark.
Then all bets are off.
There’s only one February movie to go, so it must be the best of the best.
Argylle (2024)
PG-13/139 min/IMDb: 6.0/directed by Matthew Vaughn
I am a big fan of action movies, but they’re kind of starting to piss me off with how much they ignore science and physics and all of the overall laws of nature.
Fight scenes in movies are totally unrealistic.
You get hit in the head with a fire extinguisher? You’re not getting up.
Someone breaks a liquor bottle over your head? You’re not getting up.
As the fighting has gotten more and more stylized and choreographed, the fights themselves have become more and more unrealistic. Almost cartoonish.
I’m okay with suspending reality (I’ve even softened my stance on that King Kong/helicopter sequence), but there’s only so much reality I’m willing to suspend.
All of this is one of the reasons I enjoyed Argylle so much.
Let’s see what IMDb has to say: “A reclusive author who writes espionage novels about a secret agent and a global spy syndicate realizes the plot of the new book she’s writing starts to mirror real-world events, in real time.”
Since the reality/fiction line is being tiptoed across, I suspended a lot of reality for Argylle.
I also loved the cast.
The author is played by the great Catherine O’Hara and she’s supported by Bryce Dallas Howard, Henry Cavill, Dua Lipa, Bryan Cranston, Ariana DeBose, and friend of Cinema Wellman Sam Rockwell.
It was a tad too long for me at 2:19, but the action sequences were well done, and it was pretty funny.
It was especially fun to see O’Hara writing at her desk and seeing things change in “real” time.
My favorite part was an out of control over the top fight sequence in which Howard and Rockwell fight off what seems to be hundreds of armed henchmen. (An action movie staple!)
I loved how it purposely did things that were close to impossible in real life, but it’s presented as just some stuff that spies do all the time.
Without any kind of preparation or practice.
There are smoke grenades that are tossed and kicked perfectly to each other in what seems to be an old Busby Berkeley production on acid.
This was great fun, and something I will definitely watch again when it starts streaming somewhere.
I read that Apple paid $2oo million for it.
Oh, and Chip (the cat) was played by Alfie the Cat who happens to be owned by Claudia Schiffer.
Nice work if you can get it.
Well, that is a wrap for our Best & Worst of the month of February.
Never a dull moment.
We hope you’re back with us next week as we unveil our Oscar Ballot for this year.
I have one more week to see those twelve nominated films that have eluded me so far.
Tune in to see who Cinema Wellman’s official Oscar votes (that don’t count at all) will go to!
Until then, take care.
