September Screenings: Best & Worst

                   September Screenings: Best & Worst

Hello and welcome to Cinema Wellman! Since it’s the first week of October, that means it’s time to break down the Best & Worst movies we screened here at Cinema Wellman during the month of September. 

As usual, there were a half dozen movies we’re here to praise, and five we’re here to bury. 

You know where we’re going to start, so get your shovel and let’s get to it. 

The Devil’s 8 (1969)

NR/98 m/IMDb: 5.1

Are you familiar with Christopher George? If so, it’s most likely because you remember “Rat Patrol” (a WWII action TV series) or “Tattletales” (a game show featuring celebrity couples). His wife was the delightful Lynda Day George, and I was jealous of him while watching “Tattletales.”

If you know Christopher George from The Devil’s 8, you have my apologies.

This is Dirty Dozen Lite as George plays Ray, a federal agent who rounds up eight convicts to help fight…wait for it…a “vicious moonshine gang?”

Maybe it was more like The Dirty Dozen of Hazard. The only thing missing was Boss Hogg, and his appearance in this film would have been an improvement. 

Pop star Fabian shows up as a drunk convict. He cannot play drunk. He cannot play sober either, for that matter. It is very difficult to play drunk. Even quality actors and actresses have a hard time playing drunk. Fabian is not a quality actor for those of you keeping score at home.

Lynda Day George shows up as Ray’s girlfriend for about 90 seconds. I swear she just showed up on set to visit him one day and they just put her in the movie. 

Chrome and Hot Leather (1971)

NR/91 m/IMDb: 5.0

Let’s have IMDb take a shot at what passes for a plot in this one. “A Green Beret returns home from Vietnam to find that a gang of murderous bikers has killed his fiancé. He calls on several of his Green Beret buddies to come and help him take revenge on the gang.” 

I’ve seen an awful lot of movies about supposedly viciously nasty, violent bikers. Most of these gangs (Mad Max being an exception) aren’t any more intimidating than a group of high schoolers causing a ruckus at a dance.

It’s hysterical how the townspeople run for cover when the bikers show even a small touch of belligerence. Law enforcement never seems to be able to handle what amounts to misdemeanor mischief. 

The only reason I watched this is because T.J., the leader of the biker gang, was played by William Smith. I loved William Smith even though he usually played the exact same character in EVERY movie or television show I’ve ever seen him in!

A better title for this would have been Chrome and Hot Garbage. But I have to admit that a line by Smith had me laughing out loud. 

T.J. is in the process of being a mean biker and roughing someone up in a bar as one of his minions, Gabriel, plays pinball.

T.J.: Gabriel

Gabriel: [looking up from the pinball machine] Yeah?

T.J.: Gabriel, can’t you see we’re menacing someone?

That’s tremendous! It didn’t keep this junk off the “Worst List,” but that was a very tiny positive from Hot Leather and Chrome or Hot Chrome and Leather, or whatever it’s called.

Gemini (2017)

R/93 m/IMDb: 5.4

When we run over, I mean through, the worst of the month, I always warn that there may be spoilers. I don’t mind spoiling awful films because that saves you the trouble of watching them. Spoilers will follow…

If you know your astrological signs, you know that Gemini is represented by twins. 

And that’s all you need to know to totally figure out the “plot” of this “mystery/suspense/thriller” that features none of those items.

Zoe Kravitz, who I have nothing against, plays a Hollywood starlet. Lola Kirke plays her put-upon assistant (are there no other types of assistants in films?).

The pair run into a fan at a restaurant who resembles Kravitz. The fan is pushy, but not quite a stalker.

I’m not sure of the time, but at around the 20-minute mark, Zoe Kravitz’ character is dead.

No, she’s not. She’s one of the leads. She’s not dead. This was directed by Aaron Katz, not Alfred Hitchcock. Only Hitchcock kills off leads 20 minutes into a movie!

I thought she killed that fan and passed her body off as herself and was now hiding from the world. Celebrity, and all…

I wasn’t supposed to figure any of that out after 20 minutes. I am no film genius, but this story is as transparent as Barbarella’s bra. 

The worst part is that her assistant is being BLAMED FOR HER MURDER and she doesn’t seem all that upset about it.

And then the lead detective just shows up and nonchalantly mentions that the case is closed to both of them!

Somebody needs to go to jail, don’t they?

Celebrity, and all…

The Bad Batch (2016)

R/118 m/IMDb: 5.2

Do you enjoy incoherent movies about cannibalism?  

How about movies that deal with an extra cringy Stockholm Syndrome love between a super creepy Jason Momoa and a double amputee?

What about movies with extremely brief star power cameo appearances (Keanu Reeves, Jim Carrey) whose characters are more interesting than anything else in the movie?

If you said yes to any of these questions, I believe you may be in need of some professional help.

You also could possibly enjoy this dystopian dumpster load of a film. 

Did I mention that the cannibals cut off limbs, cauterize the wounds with a skillet and KEEP THE PEOPLE ALIVE FOR FUTURE MEALS?!?!

That’s how Momoa ends up with the double amputee.

Oh, and he’s raising a daughter in this environment. 

As I write this, I’m asking myself what could possibly be worse than The Bad Batch?!

I give you…

Margaux (2022)

R/104 m/IMDb: 4.5

Margaux is an extremely dumb movie about some moronic college kids who rent a “Smart House” for the weekend.

I have a ton of problems with this trash heap, starting with the “smartness” of the house.

I’m not totally sure what smart houses are capable of these days, but Margaux appears to take place in the present day. So, I’m thinking that a “smart house” would be all wired up. Souped up wi-fi coverage everywhere and automated everything. Along with the ability to control the lights, thermostat, and music system with your phone. I’m sure they do more than that, but I’m pretty sure that “smart houses” today don’t come equipped with huge 3D printers capable of recreating ANY item from ANYWHERE in time, it can also create CLONES of the guests.

Murderous clones, of course.

The movie is titled Margaux because that’s the “Alexa/Siri/etc.” that runs the house. 

She starts out nice and ends up all about the murder.

The only interesting thing in this movie, which was insultingly stupid, is that the filmmakers got Susan Bennet to voice Margaux.

Susan Bennet was the original voice of Siri. 

So, kudos for that. She was actually the best actor of them all. The rest of this movie shouldn’t be watched by anyone at all.

So, what’s good in a month that featured all of that trash? Well, we have a half dozen you may be interested in seeing. 

Starting with one of those Netflix comedies that they seem to churn out on a daily basis. 

The Out-Laws (2023)

R/95 m/IMDb: 5.4

Let me begin by saying that sometimes you’re just in the mood for a goofy, silly movie. It’s the right movie at the perfect time, and you end up liking it even though it’s really not as good as you think it was.

The Out-Laws is a perfect example of that. 

From IMDb: A strait-laced bank manager is about to marry the love of his life. When his bank is held up by the infamous “Ghost Bandits” during his wedding week, he believes his future in-laws (who just arrived in town) are the infamous “Out-Laws.” 

The young couple, Parker and Owen, are played by Nina Dobrev and Adam Devine. They are fine, but their parents are even better.

Owen’s parents are played by Julie Hagerty and Richard Kind, while the outlaws are played by Ellen Barkin and Pierce Brosnan. 

Barkin and Brosnan are the best part of the movie in my opinion. The story/script aren’t perfect, but there are some pretty funny moments, including when Barkin mentions James Bond, and Brosnan asks, “Which one?”

When she replies, “The 5th,” he answers with, “That was a good one.” I laughed and tipped my hat. Brosnan, of course, was the 5th Bond.

For some reason, the humor is a little profane at times. This doesn’t bother me per se, but it seemed out of place in the story.

If you have 95 minutes to kill, and want to have a couple of laughs, check out The Out-Laws.

Gold Brick (2023)

UR/95 m/IMDb: 6.1

Gold Brick is a French heist comedy/drama. I love heist movies. A lot. I’ve seen a ton of heist movies, but Gold Brick is the first one I’ve seen where the item being stolen is PERFUME!

An unhappy factory worker stuck in a thankless job decides to profit from stealing perfume and selling it on the black market.

I liked Gold Brick because of the overall scheme they concocted and how they figured out they could take a certain amount of perfume without it being noticed. It was also interesting to see the inside of a perfume factory. I had no idea what went on there, and now I do. Not necessarily the theft part, of course.

The thieves are put upon enough by their asshole bosses that you’re rooting for them to pull it all off in the end.

I could never work in a perfume factory. I have a feeling the smell would make my head explode. I’m not a fan of strong smells.

Hard to believe I taught middle school for 33 years. 

Flight That Disappeared (1961)

AP/71 m/IMDb: 5.7

As I’ve mentioned before, I love the start of the month because TCM releases what they have for me to choose from for the next four weeks. 

I’ve grown accustomed to DVRing anything and everything that looks interesting. Sometimes I’m let down, but other times I am pleasantly surprised.

Flight That Disappeared was one of those pleasant surprises.

It’s a B-movie, with a B-movie length of 71 minutes and a cast of nobody you’ve ever heard of.

Sounds good to me!

IMDb describes this sci-fi/fantasy as follows; “A cross-country airliner, whose passengers include a nuclear physicist, a rocket expert, and a mathematical genius, is drawn beyond radar range by an unknown, unbreakable force.”

What makes Flight That Disappeared different from your run of the mill air disaster movie is where the plane ends up.

The airliner with all of its crew and special sciency passengers is taken to another world where humanity is pretty much put on trial for war (especially atomic) by a panel of other worldly beings led by “The Sage.”

Not the first time we’ve been put on trial by aliens in the movies, but it’s always worth a watch to see what they decide to do with us.

A perfect example of how good a B-movie can really be. 

Creem: America’s Only Rock ‘n’ Roll Magazine (2019)

UR/75 m/IMDb: 6.9

If you were to ask 100 people to name a music magazine, chances are a vast majority of them would respond with Rolling Stone. That would be my answer. I had a subscription to Rolling Stone from high school to fatherhood and took a lot of what I read in its pages as gospel. 

Not only did they cover music, but they also dealt with politics, movies, pop culture, and the counterculture. 

I thought it was really cool to be a Rolling Stone reader/subscriber. 

In hindsight, I wish I was also a subscriber to Creem.

Also named after a famous band (and spelled incorrectly), Creem was a magazine that I honestly could never figure out. 

Boy Howdy, was it filled with insane pictures of rock stars! Most of them were behind the scenes shots taken after concerts with the rock stars drinking beer labeled “Boy Howdy!” That was Creem’s mascot/logo.

Creem also seemed to be really funny, which I didn’t know how to take, being a Rolling Stone reader. I wasn’t a snob, but I guess I looked down on Creem as a substandard version of the magazine I subscribed to.

Turns out they loved that reputation and thrived off of it. They didn’t give shit 1 about what Rolling Stone was doing. 

This documentary about the Detroit based music magazine that was in print from 1969-1989 has an attitude that perfectly matches the printed product.

And we get some Lester Bangs! Bangs, the famed music critic (played by Philip Seymour Hoffman in Almost Famous) was editor of Creem from 1971 to 1976.

Boy Howdy, this is quite a story. A must for music fans.

No One Will Save You (2023)

PG-13/93 m/IMDb: 6.4

This movie was recommended to me by my work friend Courtney. I was texting her while I watched, and my messages had a lot of those emojis with the wide eyes. Thank you for the suggestion, Courtney! 

This was a lot of fun for a variety of reasons. 

IMDb: “An exiled anxiety-ridden homebody must battle an alien who’s found its way into her home.”  

This is some creepy stuff. They do explain why the young woman named Brynn (played by the talented Kaitlyn Dever) is exiled and why she has anxiety. There’s a good amount of character development into a tragic event in Brynn’s past that has greatly impacted her life. 

And they pull this off without dialogue! I didn’t mention that! This is virtually a silent movie! There are a total of about eight words in the entire film. 

It reminded me of a favorite “Twilight Zone” episode of mine titled “The Invaders” in which an old woman (played by dear friend of Cinema Wellman Agnes Moorehead) in a deserted cabin fights off a tiny alien who has made its way into her home.

That also had no dialogue.

Oh, and the aliens in No One Will Save You are cool and super creepy, especially the noises they make. The closed captions describe the sound as “chittering,” and it makes my skin crawl.

The filmmakers based the look of the aliens on the composite description of all of those people who were abducted back in the 50’s, 60’s, and 70’s. That was prime alien abduction time there, my friends. 

With all of the new discussion of aliens, why the slowdown in the abductions, guys? Do you have all the information you need about us from our phones? Like the government?

I enjoyed this so much I plan on watching it again later this month.

And that leaves us with only one movie left, which means it is the “Best” movie screened here at Cinema Wellman (this one was actually screened at O’Neil Cinemas in Littleton) during the month of September.

Barbie (2023)

PG/114 m/IMDb: 7.1

It is now official in the book of Cinema Wellman…Greta Gerwig can do NO wrong!

She has directed three films so far. The tremendous Ladybird, a phenomenal version of Little Women, and now Barbie.

I will see anything she directs going forward in her career, and I don’t say that about too many directors.

Not even Spielberg gets that kind of respect around here.

Barbie is only the second movie I’ve seen in a theater since the pandemic. I’m obviously in no hurry to return since my home theater is more than adequate.

Seeing Barbie in the theater was actually a work field trip! My department had been working for several days without air conditioning. We’re on the second floor, and heat does rise! It got pretty warm, but we did our job and didn’t really complain. 

My boss, Renee, then told us on a Thursday that since we were doing such a great job under such difficult conditions, that her boss, Britney, wanted to treat us to something fun.

We punched out at 1:00 (and got paid until 3:30), and they paid for our movie and all of our snacks!

So, a big thank you to the good people at Sanctuary Medicinals for looking out for us and wanting us to be happy!

Sanctuary Medicinals - Find Your Sanctuary. (not a sponsor…yet)

Now back to Barbie!

I knew I was in for a treat when Gerwig opened the movie with an homage to the opening scene of 2001: A Space Odyssey. And that’s one of the greatest opening scenes in film history!

I saw that recently somewhere.

Barbie is visually stunning! All of the sets were hand painted without using any digital effects. All that pink!

I read that Margot Robbie’s Barbie is 23% larger than everything surrounding her. This was done to mimic the disproportionate scales of the Barbie and Ken dolls with their playsets. 

I love when filmmakers have that much attention to detail in their films.

You may have read some negative statements about the “message” of the film. And I’m here to call total bullshit on all of that.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with the message, and it should be heard by every young woman on the planet. 

America Ferrera’s monologue toward the end of the film was absolutely tremendous. She tried to explain just some of the difficulties women face on a daily basis all around the world just because they are women.

It was a tremendously passionate and empowering speech that affected me deeply.

And I’m an old white man.

The message is the truth, and my age, skin color, and sex are not barriers when it comes to the truth.

Just because it has a “serious” message behind it doesn’t mean it’s not great fun. This movie is a blast from start to finish, and the research that was done into the Barbie-verse is impressive! I recognized so many of the other dolls, dogs, sets, etc. because Vanessa had Barbies growing up.

I’m not sure if she had a Ken, but he’s actually an accessory here. Barbie don’t need Ken. 

This is Barbie’s Playhouse!

And that is a wrap for Cinema Wellman’s Best & Worst of September.

We hope you join us again next week for our Halloween episode. I know it’s early, but next Friday is a Friday the 13th, so we’re going to rank ALL 12 of the movies in that series. From worst to “best.”

If there is a best that is….

Until then, take care. 

And Go, Birds!