Which Was Worse 5: Elevator vs. Devil
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Hello, and welcome to Cinema Wellman! Today our cinema is going to get very claustrophobic as we look at two movies that take place in elevators! I can already feel the walls closing in.
Today we present Elevator vs. Devil to determine “Which Was Worse?”
There are several memorable elevator scenes in film history. I came up with the following off of the top of my head; there’s the razor murder in Dressed to Kill, the sex scene in Fatal Attraction, the lunacy of the “Wonkavator” in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, arguably the best part of The Departed, and all that blood coming out of that elevator in The Shining.
Just to make sure I didn’t miss any, I did some Interwebs research. While researching “memorable elevator sequences in movies,” I came across a website for West Coast Elevators. WCE is based in Western Australia. I only mention them because their website (westcoastelevators.com.au) features a section titled the “Top 6 Elevator Scenes in Movies.” Brilliant!
I absolutely love that an elevator manufacturer has this on their website. Complete with little writeups and clips from the movies! If I am ever in the market for an elevator, I am contacting the good people at West Coast Elevators. I don’t care if they’re in Australia. If I have enough money to be in the market for an elevator, then I’ll get one from West Coast Elevators. Good on ya!
Here are their Top 6 before I get to today’s Bottom 2.
6) Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
5) The Departed
4) Captain America: The Winter Soldier
3) You’ve Got Mail
2) Drive
1) North By Northwest
Excellent choices! I totally understand why an elevator manufacturer would have neglected to mention Dressed to Kill, Fatal Attraction, and The Shining.
You will also notice that West Coast Elevators neglected to mention both Elevator and Devil.
The reason for that is that they are horrible movies that should be dropped straight down the nearest elevator shaft.
We here at Cinema Wellman have once again taken a bullet for you. We watched Elevator and Devil and we’re here to spoil both films today as we determine “Which Was Worse?!”
Let’s step into that elevator and see where we go…other than down to the depths of creative talent and good taste.
First up is…
Elevator (2012)
NR/84m/IMdb: 5.3
The Official Which Was Worse? Rubric
Rubric Results:
Story/Plotline/Script: -1
Acting: -1
Special Effects: 0
Self-Awareness: -2
Effort: -2
So, Elevator has a -6 heading into the “Lightning Round!”
A reminder that all indiscretions to follow are worth -1 unless otherwise noted.
*Nine strangers are trapped in a Wall Street elevator, one of whom has a bomb. Nine people on the same elevator is a lot, isn’t it? I’m not well versed in elevators.
*If it’s a Wall Street elevator, there’s bound to be a high entitled asshole quotient. Shallow and stereotypical screenwriting for $100, Alex! (-2)
*I’m wondering as I watch, Are we going to have to guess who has the bomb, or will they tell us right away? (0 points, I was just wondering)
*The opening scene shows the bomb maker but not the person purchasing the bomb, so it could be anyone. The person with the bomb didn’t create it. That opens up the playing field. I liked that. (+1)
*Comedian on board the elevator is racist and claustrophobic. And totally one dimensional. (-3)
*” Hey, Bin Laden, I’m joking. Terrorists have no sense of humor.” Wow. Not funny. (-2)
*Older woman (“investor” in the big company whose building this happens to be) gets on board. She’s obviously the bomber. (-2 for telegraphing it)
*Top Exec and obnoxious granddaughter get on elevator. When asked for ID, she snaps at the guard. I hope she dies first. (-4)
*All aboard and the door closes at the 11:24 mark. Absolutely nobody to root for except the security guard and the woman (with the bomb). (-2)
*Bratty kid presses the emergency stop just to tweak the claustrophobic guy. What an asshole! She’s then called an "Evil little bitch!” (-3)
*Flashback scene with the bomber. Some kind of bullshit that once the bomb is set, it can’t be stopped, etc. How convenient.
*Bomber woman’s husband died recently. Would have wanted to meet the big boss (Mr. Barton) who just happens to be on the elevator. The husband must have died due to company negligence, etc. She wants revenge. Again, the fact that she’s the bomber couldn’t be more obvious. No one has revealed themselves to be the bomber as of yet.
*Barton pisses off the security guy on the other end of the intercom. “Do you know who I am?!” (-2)
*Pregnant bond trader has to pee, so she pees into her purse. There is zero reason for this scene to be included, unless it’s to pad the pitiful runtime. Even with the pee scene you couldn’t crack 90 minutes. (-2)
*Old bomber woman opens up about son dying and husband killing himself. She reveals that she has a bomb at the 36-minute mark and then conveniently dies of a heart attack. (-2)
*Not sure why they hid her at the start if it was going to be so obvious that it was her. There really weren’t any other choices! (-3)
*” We didn’t lose their money; they lost their own money.” ~evil, greedy, one-dimensionally written, big boss Mr. Barton. (-2)
*A reporter starts STREAMING everything from inside the elevator?!? Come on, people. By far the dumbest thing to happen so far. I hate the media. (-3)
*Pregnant bond trader is the one that looks for the bomb on the dead bomber woman. She’s the only one with any guts.
*You think there’d be more suspense in a movie about a bomb on an elevator.
*Comes out that the douchey exec with the reporter is the father of the pregnant woman’s child. Anyone paying attention suspected that from the very start. (-2)
*Cutback to the bomber watching on TV. Good thing the news coverage is so comprehensive!
*I get that they evacuated the building, but they’re just not sending anyone to deal with this or try to deal with it? That kind of sucks. (-3)
*Obnoxious kid presses all the buttons, elevator drops, guy’s arm gets chopped off, fade to black. Is it over?! (+100 if it’s over!)
*Unfortunately, no. It’s not over. (-5)
*Several minutes in the dark are among the more interesting minutes in the entire movie.
*Lights come on; guy is armless now. Lots of blood. That little girl should go to prison!
*” It’s all my fault, it’s all my fault, it’s all my fault…” Damn right it is, kid. (-3)
*They have total phone communication with the outside world, and nobody is helping them in any way. (-2)
*” Are you r*******?” Wow. Are we still using that? This was made in 2012! (-4)
*Bombmaker (friend of the bomber woman’s son) comes forward on TV and they’re WATCHING the broadcast on the elevator! That building (and all of its elevators) is totally wired up! What great Wi-Fi! (-3)
*They have 10 minutes to go before the bomb goes off, and the movie has 20 minutes to go. That’s not too bad. I don’t hate that ratio. (+1)
*” You’re the top story all over the world.” Bullshit.
*” We have to cut the body in half.” They want to cut the bomber woman’s body in half and throw the bomb half down the elevator shaft.
*With a tiny, tiny, tiny knife. You couldn’t cut through a mouse with the knife they have.
*Mr. Barton decides he can do it. And he does? And they’re removing her organs. Now they have to break her spine? Are you kidding me? They discuss how to break her spine. Do you realize how much blood would be in that elevator if this was even remotely realistic? (-5)
*Barton agrees to give them all a million dollars each if they get out of this. You KNOW he’s lying! He’s such slime.
*You should be looking at ALL OF THIS LITTLE GIRL!! You’re the reason why this woman is being cut in half. Look at it!
*Bomb squad makes contact. Finally. Took you long enough.
*Why is the bomb squad so heavily armed and pointing guns into the elevator? They know the woman with the bomb is dead. She’s a magic act gone wrong right there in the middle of the elevator!
*Heavy guy can’t be removed, so he stays behind. “I'm the hero.” You’re the hero because you’re too big to be rescued? I was confused by that comment. What makes him the hero?
*The bomb goes off as the elevator descends. Seriously? So, the bomb does, indeed, go off. Only the heavy guy is on board.
*Post explosion afterward scene goes nowhere. Zero closure. We have no idea how any of it will move forward. Then again, we don’t really care. (-2)
That’s a total score of -82, which is quite terrible. Let’s see how much damage Devil can do.
Devil (2010)
PG-13/80m/IMdb: 6.3
The Official Which Was Worse? Rubric
Rubric Results:
Story/Plotline/Script: -2
Acting: -2
Special Effects: -1
Self-Awareness: -2
Effort: -2
Devil has a rubric total of -9 as we hit the “Lightning Round!”
*This all starts with scripture. That’s never good. (-2)
*City is upside down during the entire opening credits. And then we go right down the elevator shaft. Not bad. (+1)
*Story by Shyamalan? Produced by Shyamalan? Oh shit. I did not know this when I chose this film. We may have our winner! (-10)
*Is the devil going to be a mystery, or are they going to tell us right away? (again, just wondering - no penalty)
*Five people on the elevator. Door closes at the 9:37 mark. (no points, just keeping you up to date on what appears to be the plot)
*Security are Philadelphia Flyers fans. Everyone deserves to die. (-3)
*Temp security guard, salesman, older woman, hoodie guy, and pretty girl. In communication with security via camera and one way mic. Mic only works one way, how convenient.
*Nobody has a signal in this elevator, yet everyone had a signal in the other elevator in Elevator. Which one is right? (-5)
*” Don’t sit under the apple tree” playing over and over. Is that a Garden of Eden reference? Wow. That’s pretty heavy handed. (-2)
*They actually show them reading the inspection certificate in the elevator! I will award points for that! And they call out the guy by name “G. Carson” for his shoddy work! (+3)
*Guard was once locked in a trunk by his brother for six hours, so he’s claustrophobic. Gotta have at least one claustrophobic character in an elevator movie, I guess. Still lazy scriptwriting.
*Sub plot of a jumper in the building that the cops are investigating. I’m guessing the devil is involved in that as well.
*The lights go out, there’s a struggle. The light’s come on. Pretty young girl was stabbed or cut in some way.
*Creepy salesman guy is the obvious devil according to what the filmmakers are shoving us towards. I think it’s the old woman.
*” We gotta call the police,” says security. Police weren’t already called with the elevator issue? Flyers fans. (-2)
*Ramirez is a “kind of religious” security guard who thinks he saw a face on the elevator. “Sometimes he takes human form…” “You must consider that one of those people may be the devil.” There you go! Not a bad first conclusion to make! Jump right to the devil is on the elevator! (-5)
*As lights flicker, the girl sees everyone dead. They never explain this. (-2)
*Lights out again. When they come on, the salesman is dead.
*Guard has a lot of assault in his background. Wow. Could it be him? Not if it’s the old woman. And who hires security workers with a history of assault?!
*Fire department isn’t brought in until the 38-minute mark. (-2)
*” I don’t believe in the devil. We don’t need him. We’re bad enough without him.” Yadda yadda yadda. Dusty old scriptwriting. (-2)
*Older woman is dead. I’m not buying it. She’s coming back. You can’t kill the devil. Only the young woman, guard, and young guy are left. (-2)
*Lead detective and religious security guard now think that they are meant to be the audience for this. The devil is putting on a show for them. Isn’t that presumptuous! You think the devil has all that time for you! (-3)
*This is equally boring and convoluted. Definitely has that Shyamalan stink on it. (-10)
*The cop giving orders, via microphone, to the people in the elevator to drop their weapons is comical. He’s watching on a monitor! (-4)
*The old woman WAS the devil! I called it. Another transparent Shyamalan twist! His specialty! (-5)
*Drunk driving death in the guy’s past (he was the one who killed the detective’s wife and child), so the devil came to get him. Fair enough. (+1 point in case the devil watches Cinema Wellman)
*And then, after all that, she doesn’t take him? Come on, now, devil! Be better than that. (-5)
*The devil then disappears.
*THE DETECTIVE IS ALLOWED TO DRIVE THIS SUSPECT IN?! Or don’t they realize he was the guy who killed his family. They must not have put that together. I did. (-2)
*Detective forgives the guy. I don’t forgive the filmmakers. This is painful. (-3)
*“If the devil is real, god must be real, too.” Lazy, lazy, lazy. (-3)
That’s a total score of -84. Just terrible! And two points more terrible than Elevator. Since you can’t argue with rubrics (or science) we have an answer to the question:
Which Was Worse?
Devil was worse. It was two points worse.
Well, that’s a wrap for “Which Was Worse 5.” Thanks so much for joining us, and we hope you’re back again next week for another visit to Cinema Wellman.
Next week’s episode was suggested by my friend Jack a couple of days ago. I liked the topic so much I fast-tracked it to next week!
Join us when we’ll take a look at some of the best opening scenes in film history. Scoring a goal in the first minute doesn’t mean you’re going to win the game, but, hey, it’s a good start!
We hope to see you next week, and, until then, take care.
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