Which Was Worse Worst? 4:
Hello and welcome back to Cinema Wellman! We have another first here at Cinema Wellman for you today!
We’re going to hit you with WWW?4 today, but there’s a twist! Today’s WWW? will pit THREE films against each other!
Zoombies had been on my Which Was Worse? radar for a while. All I needed was a companion film. When I stumbled across Aquarium of the Dead, I was pumped up because they seemed like the exact same movie!
Then I noticed it was the same director, and I was less excited because I wasn’t sure I wanted to do a WWW? with two movies by the same director.
THEN I saw that it was part of a trilogy along with Zoombies 2, and I figured we’d just do the whole thing!
So, for the first time ever, Cinema Wellman presents an episode of our Which Was Worse? series comparing a trio of horrible movies! Should we rebrand for today and call it Which Was Worst?
Let's do that.
We give you:
Aquarium of the Dead vs. Zoombies vs. Zoombies 2
When you’re preparing yourself for a tripleheader of trash, a trio of tacky tastelessness, a triumvirate of tainted tripe…where do you start?!?
Well, I eschewed chronological order and went with alphabetical order this time because I liked the idea of going A-Z, and Hannah always tells me I can do whatever I want.
With that in mind, I’m not going to use the usual rubric that WWW? usually follows. Instead, it’ll just be a point system. All items listed are worth (-1) unless noted. The usual rubric categories will find their way into the final verdict anyway.
Before I get to the movies, I’d like to go through the list of animals who registered at least one human kill in the trilogy. I’ll get into creative killing methods later on, but here’s the roster of killer animals (all 3 films) in alphabetical order:
Aardvark
Crocodile
Dolphin
Eagle
Giraffe
Gorilla
Hippopotamus
Lion
Meerkat
Monkeys (of course!)
Octopus
Parrott
Porcupine
Rhinoceros
Starfish
Walrus
Warthog
That is quite a Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom of Killers right there!
Three movies! All bad!!! BUT…Which Was Worst?
Let’s take them as we screened them. First up…
Aquarium of the Dead
(2021 - 86m - hoopla - 2.9 on IMDb)
“The Asylum presents” this entire mess! I don’t think they should be proud of it.
*They use nonsensical medical babble right off the bat. Just a bunch of medical sounding words strung together. A syringe full of antidote is then thrown to the zoo doctor to administer to the octopus. Thrown twenty feet. End over end. A syringe.
*An octopus gets the first two kills. I’m surprised at how nimble he is out of the water! Good form.
*Awful acting by the woman playing zoo doctor “Karen.” She makes it worse by employing an undetectable, yet changing, accent throughout the movie.
*They got Vivica A. Fox involved in this?!!? Wasn’t she in Independence Day? Both Kill Bill movies? Work is work, so no worries but this isn’t much of a part for her.
*There’s a Sharknado reference and when the person doesn’t get it, it’s referred to as a “Boomer Joke.” An attempt at self awareness that falls flat. (-2)
*This aquarium has a “V.I.P. Shark Feed” What insurance company covers something of that nature?!
*A creepy dude’s sexual harassment is met with, “Go back to work, Daniel.” instead of, “I’m going to HR, Daniel.”
*The “Shining Sea Aquarium” in the movie is played by the real “Aquarium of the Pacific.” It’s located in Long Beach, California, and it looks like a beautiful place. They have an excellent website. I have now made it a goal to travel there JUST to question all the staff about being part of film “history.” I hope they were paid a ton of money! (+1)
*A dolphin dies, and they were apparently going to feed it to the shark?!? Is that common practice at aquariums?! (-3)
*The sea creatures are supposedly zombies, yet a bunch of them stage a coordinated effort to rupture the tank.
*Stereotypical longhaired snarky dude is yet again here for comic relief. Very little relief.
*” The animal has become re-animated.” Just a hint of the powerful dialogue.
*” Don’t touch the fence. It’s electrified.” This is an aquarium where thousands of people walk around every day. What on earth is an electric fence doing there?! Does that insurance company know about it?!
*” Well, the fish figured it out. And I won’t accept that fish are smarter than us!” That’s Senator Blackburn filling the “Evil Senator” role today.
*Some credit has to be given for the slow-motion attack of the starfish. Hysterical! The film isn’t in slow motion, the starfish are just moving very slowly. And yet people cannot escape them. Not sure how this happens. They weren’t 28 Days Later starfish. (+1)
*”They’re dead. But they’re not dead.” They DO attempt a half-assed explanation for this which is more than Michael Bay ever offers us, so the effort was appreciated. (+1)
*Two stumblebum firefighters arrive (without trucks!) and all they do is wander around outside the aquarium asking one another what they should do.
*At this point, I just wanted more animals to kill people, and I wasn’t getting what I wanted. (-2)
*How on earth does NOBODY show up to this awesome aquarium on a day it’s supposed to be open?!
*Evil senator to his put upon aide, “Remind me to fire you when we get out of this mess.” If this was a big budget film, he would have been played by Greg Kinnear.
*Four people go through a vent in a ceiling that wasn’t big enough for the SMALLEST of the four! They don’t show any of them going through, of course. (-4, one for each person)
*Long haired comic relief guy was supposed to dispose of expired/bad medicine and didn’t. He claims he did. I didn’t believe him, I’m not sure why they did.
*We’re an hour into the movie before the firefighters realize they’re at an aquarium!
*Killer octopus hangs out on the ceiling of an elevator. A guy gets on, but the octopus ignores him. Zero explanation why the octopus goes all peaceful suddenly.
*Zombie Walrus!!!! So slow. So deadly. (+2)
*Like Eric Roberts in Top Gunner: Danger Zone, “star” Viveca A. Fox has almost all of her scenes in her office on the phone sitting behind a sea of monitors. She does come out once to interact with other characters before she does a Hans Gruber off a platform into the arms/legs of the killer (active again) octopus.
*Another taste of the stellar scriptwriting: “Are they dead?” “They’re definitely not moving, but they’re not dead. Behind you! The other shark!” The other shark?!?
*The senator’s aide had a starfish attached to her midsection sucking her blood for quite a while and DIDN’T KNOW! She dies. The octopus also gets the senator. He deserved worse. (-2)
*Mention of the Eden Zoo Sanctuary. That has to be the zoo from Zoombies. I always enjoy crossover shenanigans. (+1)
*The only competent person, Miranda Riley, hits the right button to unlock everything they need to be unlocked, but the octopus is still after her. She ends up frying it with a live wire.
*There are ZERO emergency vehicles at this aquarium at the end of this movie! ZERO. Several people have been killed here and many of the animals are still at large. (-3)
*To no one’s surprise, the long-haired guy made some kind of shady deal with the evil senator. Didn’t see that coming. Yawn.
*Miranda is, of course, super pissed at the long-haired traitor guy. She asks a firefighter to take him in. Does she not know the difference between a police officer and a firefighter? The firefighter goes through his entire job description and one of the things he says is that he takes care of injured people. Upon hearing this, Miranda breaks the long-haired guy’s nose with a punch. The firefighters take him away. Roll credits?
Having no real ending cost Aquarium of the Dead 5 more points giving them a total of -38 going into the “Killer Animal Lightning Round!” Here’s a chance for a movie to earn back some points with some creative animal kills.
Octopus (+4) Four kills, so four points no deductions for why he became a pacifist in the elevator.
Dolphin (+1) Decent zombie effect, the dead dolphin (that was to be fed to the sharks!) eats a guy’s head, but it’s offscreen.
Walrus (+2) This could have been much more, but the kill isn’t shown. The setup is wonderful as the zombie walrus approaches and the guy who gets killed makes fun of how slow the walrus is.
Starfish (+3) Again, the bit is how slow the starfish are capable of moving. Zombie or not.
Aquarium of the Dead earns 10 points in the “Killer Animal Lightning Round” giving them a final score of -28.
Not good at all! Let’s see if that can be beat!
Zoombies
(2016 - 88m - Amazon Prime - 3.3 on IMDb)
*The Eden Wildlife Zoo (my prediction was correct!) gets the full Jurassic Park open with travelog narration. This place has an app! You can track the animals in case they escape from their enclosures. Just what every visitor should have! Jurassic Park never had an app!
*” Eden is not just a zoo, it’s an adventure” Wow. Lame. (-2)
*The first animals to go off and kill are, to no one’s surprise, diseased monkeys. They tear the eyes out of a zoo attendant. As monkeys are known to do.
*The opening credits give an “And Introducing” credit to little La La Nestor. Poor little LaLa is friends with a gorilla. What could go wrong? And I’m not too crazy about your spelling there, young lady. I’m sure your parents are to blame for that mess.
*Former NFL player Clay Matthews was supposed to play the character A.J. in this movie. He had to back out because of NFL commitments. Which may explain why the character they got to play A.J. looks just like Clay Matthews.
*LaLa is there with zoo director mom because the “babysitter canceled at the last minute” and the closest daycare center is over 30 miles away. Move closer to civilization, mom.
*Actual dialogue: “You going to be okay by yourself?” “It’s a zoo, it’s not Jurassic Park.” Hardy Har Har. Another self-awareness failure. (-2)
*I’ll make sure the monkeys don’t make it to the aviary.” I’m not sure you can keep that promise. (-2)
*This HUGE wildlife facility operates with a staff of about eight people.
*Poor LaLa suffers a bloody head wound, and the blood keeps appearing and disappearing. It's like magic!
*” We can’t wait that long! We could all be dead! So could the animals!”
*The zombie giraffes picking people out of trees to eat was hysterical. (+3)
*This film used stock footage of law enforcement at least three times. Yes. We noticed that. We can recognize stock footage. (-2)
*Three people are shown riding the worst CGI elephants in the history of CGI elephants. The people don’t even look like they’re sitting on the elephants! (-3)
*An elephant stomps on a guy’s leg and just breaks it. Wouldn’t that leg be crushed beyond recognition?! Was it because the elephant was CGI? They don’t hurt as much?
*An actress shooting a gun is waving it around and the recoil is ridiculous. Wasn’t there anyone on set who had ever held/fired a weapon?!? (-5)
*Little LaLa straight up murders a diseased Koala bear, but it’s done offscreen. Gutless! (-3)
*According to a pretty cool website named geekfieldguides.com, Zoombies was filmed at the Donald C. Tillman Water Reclamation Plant in Van Nuys, CA and the Old Los Angeles Zoo in Griffith Park. (+2 for the website!)
*Seeing people killing birds by hand is always unsettling. (-2)
*The entire place is on fire at one point, and there are zero rescue personnel there. No police. No fire. No paramedics. Nothing.
*When mom drops diseased gorilla (and friend of LaLa) Kifo with one shot…cue the helicopters! Help is on the way! Too little, too late.
A little math tells us that Zoombies has a total of -30 going into the “Killer Animal Lightning Round!” Let’s see how many points they earn back!
Monkeys (+4) Like the octopi, four kills, so four points.
Lion (0) Also four kills, but those points are NOT awarded because they all occur offscreen.
Warthog (+1) No real flair displayed. The tusks offered potential, but it was a wasted opportunity.
Gorilla (+2) Nothing special, but I’m afraid he’ll come after me if I only award one point.
Giraffe (+3) I realize I already awarded points for this, but it really was funny to see.
Parrot (+1) More wasted potential. He could have had a good pre-kill burn. “Polly want a corpse!”
Eagle (+2) Only two points here because the shot of the eagle pecking out the person's entrails wasn’t held long enough.
Zoombies earns 13 points in the “Killer Animal Lightning Round” giving them a final score of -17.
Zoombies is now guaranteed “safe” with one movie to go!
Zoombies 2
(2019 - 83m - Plex - 3.5 on IMDb)
*Same opening credits sequence as Zoombies. (-2)
*Mean poachers are mean to Meerkats! (-5)
*Rhino with a sweet impalement kill. (+3)
*” She’s gonna chew through that.” Yes. Yes, she will.
*For some reason they try to make the poachers look like devil worshippers. Just because they’re shitty to animals doesn’t necessarily mean they worship Beelzebub.
*Help can’t get to them for six hours. Where the hell are they?!? (-2)
*They’re trying way too hard to make the poachers evil. Poachers, on face value, are evil. Take the foot off the gas a bit. (-3)
*Zoombies 2 took a little anti-weed stance! “That stuff makes you see crazy things.” Does it though? (-4.20)
*A zombie meerkat pops out of a dead guy’s mouth like “Wac-A-Mole!” Big points there! (+5)
*Dreadful CGI porcupines! I get killing Logan with quills, but a porcupine took off a woman’s face! Do they do that? I know monkeys do! (-2)
*I think half the budget of this film went to cocaine.
*A baby hippo weighs 100-300 lbs, and two guys are shown carrying one in a METAL CAGE with little to no effort. I guess CGI hippos don’t weigh much. (-3)
*A poacher covers the dead body of a guy, but doesn’t cover his face? What’s the thought process behind that?
*Lab features beakers and jars of colored water. Just like I had in my room growing up! Nerd alert!
*It just so happens that THIS poacher created THIS toxin?! (-3)
*Worse animal CGI than the original Jumanji. (-2)
*” Come and get some of this fast food, you sons of bitches!” Is that a weak attempt at a JAWS homage? How dare you! (-3)
*Zombie meerkat helicopter stowaway! (-2, -1,ooo,ooo if this leads to Zoombies 3 but I guess Aquarium of the Dead is Zoombies 3, so I don’t know who to penalize here)
*Did they just do a reverse sequel? The end of Zoombies 2 is the beginning to Zoombies! They went all Final Destination on us! (+1 for the effort) (-5 for plagiarism)
More math tells us that Zoombies 2 has a total of -31.8 going into the “Killer Animal Lightning Round!” Where will they end up on the podium?
Meerkats (+1) Already awarded points, but more are deserved.
Rhino (+4) Fantastic impalement placement on the horn there, my friend!
Aardvark (+3) Interesting addition to the kingdom of killers. An extra point was given because the aardvark was shown burrowing into a person.
Porcupine (+2) Plus two for two kills. A precedent has been set.
Hippo (0) Two kills in the movie, but these animals kill about 500 people a year WITHOUT being zombies! No extra points!
Lion (0) One kill, but offscreen. Give the people what they want.
Crocodile (+2) Frightening in both Zombie and Regular flavors!
Zoombies 2 earns 12 points in the “Killer Animal Lightning Round” giving them a final score of -19.8.
Let’s look at the final scoreboard!
Zoombies -17 pts.
Zoombies 2 -19.8 pts.
Aquarium of the Dead -28 pts.
Well, it’s a fair court! With Cinema Wellman’s known loathing of sequels, that order makes total sense. That’s usually the way we see them.
Small consolation for Aquarium of the Dead having the best poster tagline: "Don't Touch the Glass" beating out both Zoombies, "Uncaged, Undead," and Zoombies 2, "They're Not Just Deadly...They're Dead!" So good work there, at least.
That is a wrap for Which Was Worst 4!
Thank you for joining us here in Cinema Wellman no matter how you consume. We’re glad you’re here!
No idea about next week’s episode at this time but join us anyway. You know we’ll have something for you.
Until then…take care. 🐍
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