Which Was Worse 3:
Jurassic Domination vs. Top Gunner: Danger Zone
vs.
It's time once again to dive into that flaming dumpster of cinema as we try to figure out "Which Was Worse!" Previously on "Which Was Worse," we've ruled on Turbulent Skies vs. Air Collision and Creep Van vs. Bus Party to Hell, and today we'll attempt to choose the lesser of two movies from 2022 that tried to capitalize on the release of Jurassic World: Dominion and Top Gun: Maverick.
Hard to imagine a movie being worse than Jurassic World: Dominion, but we'll take a look anyway.
We will once again be using the official "Cinema Wellman Which Was Worse Rubric," and then tally up the lowlights to determine which movie will be awarded the Flaming Dumpster Trophy!
The Official "Which Was Worse?" Rubric
Story/Plotline/ Script | 1 | 0 | -1 | -2 | -3 |
Acting | 1 | 0 | -1 | -2 | -3 |
Special Effects | 1 | 0 | -1 | -2 | -3 |
Self-Awareness | 1 | 0 | -1 | -2 | -3 |
Effort | 1 | 0 | -1 | -2 | -3 |
Jurassic Domination
(2022 – UR – 85m – 2.6 on IMDb)
IMDb: “When two military-made, weaponized dinosaurs attack a small mountain town, it’s up to the sheriff to figure out a way to stop the creatures before the dinos escape and wreak havoc nationwide.”
Rubric Rulings:
Story/Plotline/Script: -2
Acting: -3
Special Effects: -3
Self-Awareness: -3
Effort: -2
Some brutal scores there giving Jurassic Domination a starting point of -13 going into the Lightning Round. It'll only get worse from here! Each of the following indiscretions will be worth -1 point unless otherwise noted.
Let's begin!
*There is no sheriff in the movie. And, there's really no mountain town to speak of. Come on, IMDb. Did you even screen this one before writing the synopsis? Can't blame you if you didn't!
*The movie poster shows a gigantic dinosaur destroying a city. There’s no city in the movie, and there’s no dinosaur that large in the movie. Deceitful poster!
*They DON’T tell the military transport what they’re transporting?!?
*The “colonel” appears to be about 30 years old. Not sure that can happen. The average age of a colonel in the U.S. Military is 45 since you need to serve 22 years before being considered for the rank. And her haircut is horrendous. Bangs on bangs on bangs and side bangs!
*When things go sideways, backup is miles away. They only used ONE vehicle? To transport killer weaponized dinosaurs? Where’s the convoy?!
*Middle School Drama Club quality acting. There were better performances at the C.G.S. when I co-directed the play.
*Everyone’s costume is so ill-fitting; it looks like they just picked any old thing off the rack and put it on. The soldier’s uniforms don’t have their names on them. Don’t soldier’s uniforms have their names on them? There are only four soldiers in the entire movie. How much could it have cost to put their names on their uniforms? (-2)
*The establishing shots of the military base actually look like an Amazon warehouse. There are also so many aerial shots of the Pentagon. I'm sure that was stock footage. These shots seem to make up about a quarter of the movie's run-time. (-2)
*Eric Roberts plays a sleazy general just out for financial gain, “I don’t want these things eating kindergarteners on the way to school tomorrow.” He also says that weaponized dinosaurs have the potential to “Save many Americans lives.” How is that? All they do in this movie is kill Americans.
*The first FOUR scenes featuring "star" Eric Roberts have him on the phone by himself in his office! His FIFTH and SIXTH scenes have him outside by himself on his cell phone. SEVENTH scene, EIGHTH scene, NINTH scene, he’s back in his office on the phone by himself. He doesn’t have ONE scene in this film that he’s not on his phone by himself! He has ZERO scenes with other actors! He couldn't have been on set more than a day to shoot this. (-9: one for each of Eric Roberts' "scenes")
*A soldier is brought into a lab housing a full-grown mama dinosaur, and he doesn’t notice her until he’s told that they’re dealing with dinosaurs! (-2)
*” Aren’t they just animals?” “No. They’re so much more.” Great writing! Script writing for middle schoolers.
*They can’t control these dinosaurs, and yet they’re using them as weapons!!
*The soldiers are told, "One more thing…. bullets don’t work.” And the first soldier attacked fires...guess what? Bullets! She dies.
*Comical CGI. Almost as bad as young Robert De Niro in The Irishman.
*The score consists entirely of suspenseful music even when there is ZERO suspense. And the music DOES NOT STOP! It seems to be on a loop. (-2)
*Have you seen those Halloween dinosaur costumes that are kind of inflatable? That’s what the dinosaurs in this movie look like.
*The only weapon they have needs five seconds to recharge after firing, and it’s in the “early stages of development.” And that's what they're going to use! And the first time it’s used, it KILLS one of the dinosaurs. They were supposed to take them alive.
*They send a TOTAL of FOUR soldiers to capture these two killing machine weaponized dinosaurs! Wouldn’t you send EVERYONE?!
*A soldier sees a bloody handprint on the OUTSIDE of a door, and just assumes that everyone inside is dead. They don’t even check!!! (-2)
*” Clever girl” line from Jurassic Park. Bitch, please. (-2)
*The Colonel has video access to everything that's going on, yet the soldiers aren’t wearing cameras. How is she able to see everything?
*A bottle of whiskey is suggested for a lab doctor who just saw her partner killed by a dinosaur. And it’s right there on the table!!! “There’s a bottle of whiskey right there” is the actual line of dialogue! And do all military labs have a bar?
*The weapon of choice is comically cumbersome. It's absolutely huge! No way a soldier would be able to operate it in close quarters. It barely fits through the door. (-2)
*Just putting a piece of quartz in a little compartment of the cumbersome weapon makes it able to fire repeatedly. No need to wait five seconds anymore. The lab doctor had quartz on her desk and just gives it a try. Good thing that little compartment was put there during manufacturing. (-3)
*A gigantic dinosaur INSIDE a laboratory takes two steps to the left and NOBODY can see it! “Where’d it go?!” (-2)
*A soldier is killed by a dinosaur, but they don’t show it on screen. I guess they ran out of CGI money.
*” I’m fine. I thought I was dead, but I’m not. I’m fine.” This script doesn't get any better.
*” We have to terminate three dinosaurs. We have to do this.” They haven’t been able to do it for the first 77 minutes, what makes them think it will work now?
*These dinosaurs are so smart, but they’re distracted when they’re eating? Come on!
*The old “It’s been a pleasure serving with you” lazy crap dialogue exchanged before they all think they’re going to die.
*Wow! A final score of -62, and yet I enjoyed it more than Jurassic Park: Dominion. How can Top Gunner: Danger Zone be worse?!?! It has its work cut out for it!
Top Gunner: Danger Zone
(2022 – UR – 86m – 1.9 on IMDb)
IMDb: “When U.S. fighter jets are attacked by a squadron of mysterious warplanes, a deadly air battle ensues, threatening to destroy all life above and below.”
Rubric Rulings:
Story/Plotline/Script: -1
Acting: 0
Special Effects: -1
Self-Awareness: -3
Effort: -1
That's a total of -6 points. Let's see how many more deductions there will be!
*Holy shit. Jack Pearson again?!? He was one of the soldiers in Jurassic Domination! Discount Charlie Day again?!?! (-2)
*This is from the SAME production company, Asylum, as Jurassic Domination. I did not know that when I paired these two pieces of junk. And, after further review, I found out that this was actually a SEQUEL!!! You know how we hate sequels! (-3)
*Why do all of the pilots have plain, black helmets? I thought all the Top Guns got customized helmets emblazoned with their nicknames. That’s what I’ve been previously told! The real Top Gun movies are liars!
*They can’t go over 1,300 ft. or the bomb will be engaged – It’s Speed on a commercial airliner!
*Dying terrorist spills all the beans. All of them! What kind of terrorist does that?!
*Horrible accent on Jack Pearson. They’re begging us to think he’s the terrorist on board. Spoiler Alert: He's not.
*How nice to have an explosives expert on board. I love flying on those flights! The flight is also about half full. When's the last time you were on a flight that was only half full?!?!
*At least “star” Michael Pare is on the plane and has scenes with other actors!
*There's a shoe-bomber reference! How old is that shit? In a movie that features a lot of AI, there’s a shoe-bomber reference?! That happened 22 years ago! (-2)
*They find a bomb and the solution is to stack other luggage around the bomb? That’ll work.
*A random observation by non-expert Air Marshall makes the weapons-expert see EVERYTHING in a new light.
*Remind me not to fly Coastal Airlines. Or Spirit, for that matter.
*They can’t land because the bomb will detonate if the landing gear is lowered. And they already dumped fuel. And there’s a “pretty major system” approaching. I mean, why not just put snakes on this plane? Piling on! (-3)
*Wait. A bomb explodes and the luggage strategy works?! What was that luggage made out of? (-3)
*Michael Pare is dead. Barely had an impactful scene. At least he wasn’t on his phone the entire time.
*The “Top Gun” reference in the title is TOTALLY misleading. This is nothing more than an airliner thriller. Pretty much ZERO “Top Gun” action.
*If they had an air traffic controller like that asshole in “2:22,” everyone would have been dead in the first five minutes.
*WAIT! Here comes TOP GUN!! Took 'em long enough to start "Top Gunning" in this movie.
*” Threat hostile. I repeat threat hostile.” Shouldn’t that be “Hostile threat?!” Maybe I'm just in nitpicky mode.
*” The pilot is gonna kill us!” Repeated 9 or so times by hysterical cut-rate Kevin Hart as he rushes the cockpit. They duct tape him to his seat.
*Do commercial airline pilots routinely mention “bogeys approaching?” Is that even part of the vernacular of a commercial pilot? (-2)
*Interior shots of every fighter jet cockpit feature all-white exteriors. I’m assuming it’s supposed to be clouds, but I know it was done to save money. Same with the passenger windows. Most of the shades are down, but the ones that are open show all white outside. (-2)
*So, the Top Gun jets are having a dogfight with enemy fighter jets in this airliner's airspace?!?! (-3) And Cobra 2 takes a rocket for the passenger jet and sacrifices himself. Yawn.
*Gotta love the ambiguous countries and leaders and organizations mentioned in this movie. It all just reeks of Putin!
*Unmanned AI fighter jets? Does Tesla know about this?
*The co-pilot claims she can outmaneuver the enemy fighter jets! It's a commercial airliner! (-3)
*An AI fighter jet sprays the airliner cockpit with bullets killing the pilot and co-pilot, so…THE STEWARDESS IS FLYING THE PLANE!!! And why didn't the enemy jet fire a missile and end it? Don't bring a machine gun to a missile fight. And wouldn't a compromised windshield result in total decompression inside?
*A bomb is tossed out of the baggage door and conveniently makes contact with an AI fighter jet, destroying it.
*” Let ‘em crash! Let ‘em all crash!” Suddenly there's an unexplained, corrupt air traffic controller! And she’s arrested IMMEDIATELY!!! You hear me, 2:22?!?! (-3 just for making me think of that movie!)
*The CGI emergency vehicles on the runway are HYSTERICAL!!! (-3)
*That is a final score of -54. Obviously pretty bad, but I have to say…I’ve seen worse airliner thrillers with bigger budgets and much bigger stars! And it has been deemed to be BETTER than Jurassic Domination since the Rubric does not lie!
The verdict is in! Jurassic Domination is worse.
In a couple of months we will once again go dumpster diving as we pit two more awful movies against one another.
Get ready for Boa vs. Python Vs. Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus.
VS.
Coming Next Wednesday, March 1st:
