Cinema Wellman: The World Cup of Cinema

🌏🏆🎬The World Cup of Cinema🌏🏆🎬

For the past month the World Cup of soccer has been going on around us, with some of us paying more attention than others. Some of us are paying way too much attention to the World Cup.

In any event, here at Cinema Wellman we thought this would be a perfect time to conduct the first “World Cup of Cinema!” We will pit country against country to decide whose cinema reigns supreme!

(For this tournament, at least…)

It would help if you have a bracket of the actual World Cup of soccer while you read this because I am going to follow the groups and the process in which those crooked FIFA bastards laid out this year’s tournament.

Group A: Advancing from Group A we have the Netherlands and Ecuador. The Dutch relied on strengths such as The Vanishing and The Forgotten Battle to advance, but you have to think it’s only a matter of time before The Human Centipede brings them down.

Joining the Dutch are Ecuador, home of the powerful Ratas, ratones, rateros and Maria Full of Grace.

Senegal and Qatar had no shot of advancing.

Group B: On to Group B where we have the United States and England advancing. The U.S. on sheer volume alone, and the UK has always had a strong showing here at Cinema Wellman.

Iran is home to one of my all-time soccer films, Offside, but that wasn’t enough to get them through. Wales was never really a threat.

Group C: Group C sees Mexico and Poland advancing. The Mexicans are in good recent form with The Similars, which was an earlier favorite from this year, along with past successes Amores Perros and Roma. Poland is an up and comer led by director Pawel Pawlikowski, but that Roman Polanski stink may keep them from advancing any further in this tournament.

Group C’s Saudi Arabia and Argentina were no match for the Mexicans and the Poles.

Group D: Group D has a couple of cinematic heavy hitters with France and Australia both advancing. More on both as the tournament progresses.

Denmark made a surprising run with The Guilty and The Celebration, but Breaking the Waves ultimately doomed them and prevented them from serious consideration. Tunisia had The Man Who Sold His Skin, which was amazing, but not enough to merit advancement.

Group E: Group E was the “Group of Death!” Japan wins the group with Germany finishing second. Costa Rica was never a player, but it was a shame to leave out Spain. Great directors like Pedro Almodovar just could not keep up with the Japanese and the Germans who survived the “Group of Death!” (cue ominous music)

Group F: In the real-life World Cup, Group F’s Croatia and Morocco made it to the Semi-Finals. In this Cinematic World Cup, Croatia and Morocco were left behind as the stronger Canadian and Belgian sides advanced to the Round of 16. The total opposite of real life, but we’re used to that here at Cinema Wellman.

Group G: Group G was the weakest of the groups. Cameroon and Serbia really didn’t bring much to the table at all, so Brazil and Switzerland advanced. The Swiss barely made it through even in this weak group. I don’t see them lasting long.

Group H: Group H has a clear cut winner in South Korea who have carved out quite a nice cinematic niche in the recent past. Action is their game, and they play it well. Uruguay finishes second in the group by default since Ghana and Portugal did very little to merit consideration. Uruguay will be toast in the Round of 16 no matter who they face.

Speaking of the Round of 16….Here we go!

A reminder that we’re following the same bracket as those FIFA criminal sons of bitches so A1 plays B2, C1 plays D2, etcetera etcetera etcetera.

The Round of 16

The Netherlands (A1) vs. England (B2)

“Shockingly controversial. 100% medically accurate.”

The Dutch never had a chance. As predicted, The Human Centipede led to their downfall. England was just too strong in this matchup.

England Advances

Mexico (C1) vs. Australia (D2)

“And Introducing…Sorcery!”

This was closer than the pundits expected. Many thought the country/continent that brought us the Mad Max series, Breaker Morant, Dead Calm, Triangle, and STUNT ROCK would breeze through, but Mexico will advance on the strength of an amazing trio of directors. Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu, Alfonso Cuaron, and Guillermo del Toro have been churning out award winning films for almost twenty years. Their movies have won two Best Picture Oscars and they have combined to win five Best Director Oscars. That was too much for the Aussies to overcome.

Mexico Advances

Japan (E1) vs. Belgium (F2)

Go Jira!!! Go!!!

Kaiju & Kurosawa run rampant over Belgium a la Godzilla en route to the quarter finals!

Japan Advances

Brazil (G1) vs. Uruguay (H2)

Brazil really doesn’t have too much going for them, but Uruguay has even less. This is a victory by almost default. Brazil will not survive the quarters.

“Wait, Brazil, and The Boys from Brazil don’t count for US?”

Brazil Advances

USA (B1) vs. Ecuador (A2)

This victory made it seem like the G-Man was American!

This was reminiscent of the Japan vs. Belgium matchup. Once again, sheer volume sends the USA past a foe of much lesser stature.

USA Advances

France (D1) vs. Poland (C2)

Rapist.

Another prediction comes true as the Roman Polanski stench is the main reason Poland falls to France in this round.

This wasn’t even close.

France Advances

Canada (F1) vs. Germany (E2)

Oh, Canada!

Yet another blowout as the Germans took an early lead in 1920. It'll take several generations for the Canadians to catch up.

Germany Advances

South Korea (H1) vs. Switzerland (G2)

We all know what you did…

The Swiss are good at a lot of things. Chocolate, cheese, army knives, funneling Nazi money through their banks…cinema is not one of those things.

South Korea is a country to watch. They may make things tough for the Germans in the quarter finals.

South Korea Advances

The Quarter Finals

Now that there are only 8 remaining teams, I’m going to start to list some notable films for each country for comparison purposes. The (#) next to the country indicates the number of films I’ve seen from that country.

England (445) vs. Mexico (17)

For England: Sir Alfred Hitchcock, the 007 franchise, The Descent, Ex Machina, Highlander, Lawrence of Arabia, Hot Fuzz, Lock, Stock, & Two Smoking Barrels, A Man for All Seasons, Monty Python and the Holy Grail

Against England: Ken Russell’s rubbish, Tom Jones, Highlander II: The Quickening, and Chitty Chitty Bang Bang which may have more of a negative impact than some anticipate

For Mexico: Trio of superstar directors (Inarritu, Cuaron, and del Toro), Pan’s Labyrinth, Amores Perros, El Mariachi, Roma, The Similars, The Shape of Water, Babel

Against Mexico: Nothing really. I’ve only seen 17 films, and most of them were good.

Result: England Advances: England was too much for the Mexicans, who I expect a solid showing from in 2026 when I do this again. You knew that was happening, didn’t you?

Japan (125) vs. Brazil (11)

For Japan: Godzilla (and ALL the Kaiju movies!), Akira Kurosowa, Ishiro Honda, Seven Samurai, Audition, Battle Royale, Dreams, Hausu, Spirited Away, Ran, Suicide Club

Against Japan: Son of Godzilla, God Raiga vs. King Ohga

For Brazil: City of God, Waste Land

Against Brazil: The Lady on the Bus

Result: Japan Advances: This was another stomping, a la the big guy!

USA (6,300+) vs. France (179)

Not going to list anything for the USA since you’re all familiar with what you think are great and awful films. There’s a ton for and a ton against the cinema of the USA. Fill in your own blanks.

For France: Jean-Luc Godard, Francois Truffaut, Jean-Pierre Melville, Tell No One, The Wages of Fear, Three Men to Kill, Leon: The Professional, Rififi, Band of Outsiders, Day for Night, Elevator to the Gallows, La Femme Nikita, Un chien andalou, Breathless

Against France: Last Tango in Paris, Maurice Chevalier, Gerard Depardieu, Memoirs of a French Whore, Belle de jour, their love of Jerry Lewis

Result: France Advances on kicks: See table for complete results.

#	USA Attempt by	result	#	France Attempt by	result
1	Citizen Kane	✅	1	Day for Night	✅
2	Forrest Gump	❌	2	Love for Jerry Lewis	❌
3	Edith Head	✅	3	Catherine Deneuve	❌
4	The Coen Brothers	✅	4	Rififi	✅
5	Quentin Tarantino	❌	5	The Wages of Fear	✅
6	Casablanca	✅	6	Jean-Luc Godard	✅
7	Thelma Ritter	✅	7	Jean-Pierre Melville	✅
8	Kevin Costner	❌	8	Bunuel & Dali	✅

All scored on their attempts for the U.S.! As did Casablanca!

Germany (55) vs. South Korea (20)

For Germany: The Lives of Others, Das Boot, M, Nosferatu, Run Lola Run, The Way Things Go, The Blue Angel, The Counterfeiters, Prater, Downfall, The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari, A Film Unfinished

Against Germany: Threepenny Opera, Wild & Beautiful on Ibiza (or is that for Germany?)

For South Korea: Oldboy, Parasite, Snowpiercer, Train to Busan, The Villainess, The Host, Okja

Against South Korea: Nothing from what I’ve seen is a negative about South Korean cinema.

Result: Germany Advances: Too much history on the side of the Germans (you don’t hear that often). South Korea will be back and will add to an impressive roster over the next four years.

The Semi-Finals

England (445) vs. Japan (125)

Another stunning match that needed to be decided by kicks.

#	England: Attempt by	result	#	Japan: Attempt by	result
1	Peter O’Toole	✅	1	Son of Godzilla	❌
2	Tom Jones	❌	2	God Raiga vs. King Ohga	❌
3	Ken Russell	❌	3	Ishiro Honda	✅
4	Sir Alfred Hitchcock	✅	4	Audition	✅
5	A Man for All Seasons	✅	5	Gojira	✅
6	Monty Python and the Holy Grail	✅	6	Godzilla	✅
7	James Mason	✅	7	Seven Samurai	✅
8	The Cornetto Trilogy	✅	8	Spirited Away	✅
9	Highlander II: The Quickening	❌	9	Battle Royale	❌
10	Chitty Chitty Bang Bang	❌	10	Akira Kurosawa	✅

We know what you did, Ken Russell!

Could have carried England through if they took three penalties as opposed to one!

Director Honda and the OG were responsible for three successful Japanese attempts!

Result: Japan Advances after a lengthy controversy after Godzilla took two consecutive kicks for Japan under two different names. His argument mentioned that a 30+ film franchise should allow for more than one kick. The referee said, “name go in book.”

France (179) vs. Germany (55)

Two of the oldest franchises in cinematic history met in an epic battle for supremacy with a spot in the finals at stake. And it did not disappoint.

Germany’s accomplishments include their expressionism period which came out of the silent film era. Pioneering filmmakers like Fritz Lang and F.W. Murnau paved the way for German born directors like Billy Wilder and William Wyler to plant the seeds of film noir in America.

Unfortunately, the German film industry was turned into a propaganda machine by Goebbels during World War II. The film world is still waiting for them to return to pre-war form.

France’s cinematic history is cinema’s cinematic history. The Lumiere Brothers screened some of their films for a crowd at the Salon Indien du Grand Cafe in Paris on December 28, 1895 and France has been a leader in cinema ever since.

The Lumiere’s handed the torch to Georges Melies and Luis Bunuel which led to Jean Renoir and Jean Cocteau. The late 50s and early 60s saw the birth of The French New Wave and movies the likes of which the world had never seen before. Headed by Francois Truffaut, Jean-Luc Godard, Jean-Pierre Melville, and Claude Chabrol, the New Wave was the ultimate in cool.

Result: France Advances

The Finals

Japan (125) vs. France (179)

This was a titanic battle of two worthy opponents who have been part of the cinematic landscape from the very beginning. France started it all in 1895 and Japan opened shop in 1899.

Both boast rosters chock full of pioneering directors, talented actors and actresses, new film techniques, the blending of genres, and ground-breaking movies.