🎄The Cinema Wellman Holiday Wish List🎄
Each year children from around the world write letters to Santa asking him for all the items on their wish lists. Kids ask Santa for all sorts of things. Dolls, trucks, action figures, books, video games, stuffed animals, Windex, laundry baskets, a Big Mac, a gondola, a real, live unicorn. The last five came directly from parents on the Interwebs, proving that kids will ask for just about anything this time of year.
I'm sure you're very familiar with the real Santa up at the North Pole, and I'm hoping you were a good human this year and get everything you wanted. But not everyone is aware that Cinema Wellman has their own Santa! He's not at the North Pole, but in North Chelmsford! Every year children write to the Cinema Wellman Santa with a cinematic wish list. Some ask for things they want movies to START doing, while others ask for things they want movies to STOP doing.
There were many excellent letters this year, and I wanted to share some of them with you on this special holiday episode.
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Our first letter comes from little Bryan M. in Baltimore, MD.
Dear Cinema Wellman Santa,
I love Christmas, and I love Christmas movies!
What I don't love are all these Christmas HORROR movies!
The holidays are scary enough without having to
worry about Santa, an elf, or a snowman viciously
murdering you in your sleep.
Go Birds,
Bryan M.
I am with you there, Bryan! I have no issue with a couple of scary Christmas movies, but there are way too many of them out there, and most of them look absolutely awful! We have Black Christmas, Red Christmas, Silent Night, Violent Night, Silent Night Deadly Night, Jack Frost, Christmas Evil, Red Snow, Mercy Christmas, Black X-Mas, Christmas Slay, Christmas Blood, Slay Bells, and even The Gingerdead Man!
If you're looking for a good scary Christmas movie, I recommend Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale (2010) which is an excellent holiday fright fest from Finland! See that and check the box so you can steer clear of all of the other bad ones.
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Next we have a letter from little Johnny K. from Hampton, NH.
Dear Cinema Wellman Santa,
Can we PLEASE stop having every single vehicle with a
drop of gasoline in it automatically EXPLODE upon ANY
kind of impact?!?!
Cars and science DO NOT work that way!
Spot on Johnny, and thank you for your letter! Gas tanks just don't work this way. Although it is technically possible, it is exceedingly rare for a car to explode on impact. Most cars hold somewhere between 13 and 16 gallons of gasoline. From the size of the conflagrations we're used to seeing on film, there's way more petrol being ignited than that. Thanks Michael Bay. I know it's Christmas, but your movies are a flaming bag of dogshit set ablaze with 50 gallons of gasoline and C4.
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Our next letter comes from Hannah D. out in Dundee, MI! Great beef jerky in Dundee, Hannah! Check them out! They're called "Beef Jerky Unlimited." Not a sponsor, but I'd like them to be! Stellar Jerky!
Hannah has three items on her list this year.
Dear Cinema Wellman Santa,
Can you please use your powers to eliminate the
"ugly girl" trope, when in reality it's just an already
attractive woman wearing glasses with her hair up?
Makeup and a pretty dress doesn't magically make
someone a raving beauty.
Also, can you do anything about thin actors in
fat suits? If it's pivotal to the story line for a character
to be fat, I promise there are talented fat actors out
there who will do the role justice. And while we're at
it, maybe cast fat actors in roles regardless of the story
line. Movies should look like real life, and bigger
people exist.
Lastly, although I'm encouraged by the steadily
increasing number of movies with representation for
queer people, let's get more queer actors playing these
roles instead of straight cis actors playing queer. It's one
thing to tell the stories, but it's another thing to employ
and uplift the voices of queer people even when the
cameras aren't rolling.
Excellent points made, Hannah! That trope of plain/unattractive women becoming suddenly beautiful to everyone that previously ignored them once they lose the glasses and let their hair down has been going on FOREVER!!!! Make it stop! I happen to think that women who wear glasses and wear their hair up are quite attractive! Shame on you, Hollywood!
The fat suits also need to go. Hair and makeup technicians do amazing work in films, but those fat suits always seem to look awful. On a related note, I also hate it when an actor gains/loses an unhealthy amount of weight just to play a role. That is a very dangerous practice and should be eliminated.
I'm also with you about queer characters being played by queer actors. Come on, people. Who better to represent a group on film than a member of that very group? Movies no longer have white actors portray black or Asian characters. Let's take the next logical step in this trend and extend this practice to characters from the LGBTQ+ community.
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Our final letter comes to us from Andy and Graham T. from Londonderry, NH. Loyal watchers of the show! Thank you for that and for your letter! Andy and Graham also have three wishes for the Cinema Wellman Santa.
Dear Cinema Wellman Santa,
We've been really good this year so we were hoping maybe
you could look into solving some of this movie stuff
that drives us crazy. Much appreciated my Santa Dude!
Number 1: Can we get rid of ALL of the Hallmark movies?
Number 2: If your character in a film is a top-notch
assassin/lethal weapon type, that character should NOT
be confused when they run out of ammo! If they're that
elite, they'd know how much ammunition they have left!
Number 3: If you're going to have a minor character in
your movie be a musician or athlete, can you cast REAL
musicians and REAL athletes?!? It adds realism to the movie
and it should not be difficult to do. Look at Kevin Garnett's
performance in Uncut Gems! He did a great job! Yes, he
played himself, but some actors can't even do that!
Have a great holiday, Santa!
P.S. - Also let them know that guns do NOT fire unlimited
bullets. Some of us keep track of that stuff.
Thanks for the letter, gents! Let's take a look at your wishes one at a time. I don't think I can do anything about #1. That Hallmark Movie Juggernaut is showing zero signs of slowing down. They have 39 CHRISTMAS movies!!!! Lacey Chabert has made 31 Hallmark movies on her own! Candace Cameron Bure has made 30! These things will not go away! My advice is to just steer clear of that channel altogether or ask your provider to remove it from your lineup with extreme prejudice.
Wish #2: I agree 100% about these top-notch killing machines having zero clue as to how much ammo they have left. If they shoot guns for a living, they know how many rounds are left. I must admit that I enjoy it when they realize the gun is empty and they THROW it at their adversary! That trick NEVER works!
Wish #3: Totally understandable, and it goes along with what Hannah asked for in the previous letter. I think that realism is important in film even though many films contain unbelievable situations. For me to invest myself in a character, I need them to be realistic and believable. I don't think it's too much to ask, especially for minor characters, that they are portrayed realistically. Why waste the time and money to teach/train someone to do something (play an instrument/sport) on screen when you can just cast someone who already knows how to do that thing? It seems like common sense, but common sense is not always part of the recipe when it comes to making movies these days.
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Before we wrap things up, I have a few requests of my own that I'd like to mention. These are some of the things that have bothered me about movies for years and years and years.
1) The coffee cup thing. STOP having characters carrying empty coffee cups around! I've been saying this forever! Get a PA to fill them partially with water! People just carry empty cups differently than they carry full cups! It's so easy to spot, it's distracting, and it's so easy to fix! Same with luggage or backpacks, but I'll fight that battle at some other time.
2) For disaster movies that involve a global catastrophe: STOP having families miraculously reuniting from hundreds of miles away WITHOUT ANY COMMUNICATIONS AFTER A GLOBAL CATASTROPHE! Most families can't coordinate meeting for dinner at a restaurant WITH available communication!
3) For action movies: ENOUGH ALREADY with the closing scene showing our protagonists all hanging out at the ambulances with blankets on! There are injured people all over the place and ambulances can afford to have people just chilling in them with their hot drinks and blankets?!? I. Don't. Think. So.
4) And STOP showing characters vomiting!!!! Use the sound, show them from the back, show them with their head in the toilet, but WE DO NOT NEED TO SEE ANYTHING COME OUT OF THEIR MOUTHS!!!!! It's so gross and unnecessary and it causes me to not want to eat soup, and I LOVE SOUP!
And that's a wrap for the first annual Holiday Wish List episode. It's never too early to start looking for items for next year's list! When you see something over and over that's annoying, let the Cinema Wellman Santa know! Email him year round at: cinemawellman@gmail.com
There's only one episode left in our first season, and that's coming to you on Amateur Night, December 31st when we will be taking a look at "The Best and Worst of 2022!"
See you then! And in the meantime, enjoy the holidaze and take care.
Keep up with everything Cinema Wellman!
Upcoming Blogs/Podcast Episodes:
Available on Saturday, December 31st:
The Best and Worst of 2022
Until then…take care.
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