Cinema Wellman: July Screenings
Total Films Screened in July: 86
Current 2022 Total: 511
Current All-Time Total: 7,628
July Screenings: Top to Bottom
The Bottom 5
#5: Sharks of the Corn (2021)
Having already eviscerated both Sharks of the Corn and Avalanche Sharks in a recent blog right here at cinemawellman.blogspot.com, I’ll only touch on a handful of each film’s indiscretions. For a more in depth look at both, check out the recent post: Which Was Worse?
I absolutely love that this film pretended to have a writer named “Steven Kang” so they could put it before the title! Well done!
So here’s a short recap. Only the tip of the stalk, so to speak.
*the shark growls - it growls - like a dog or lion or other non-shark animal…
*soap opera-like soundtrack (when not ripping off the JAWS theme, that is)
*way too many “corn/phallus” references for anyone’s liking
*parts of the script weren’t any worse than your usual action fare, but the acting in this was super dreadful
*Ted Bundy wanted poster hanging in police HQ even though Bundy had been dead for 32 years when this was shot
My favorite part of this, by far, was when the shark breached the cornfield and took down a helicopter! That is Sharknado-esque right there! Tip of the hat!
#4: Avalanche Sharks (2014)
Again, only the “hits” since I’ve already weighed in on this in a previous blog.
*This has a great synopsis on IMDb: “A bikini contest turns into a horrifying affair when it is hit by a shark avalanche.” That about says it all…
*”We should be either high or drunk or both.” As they often say on Cinema Sins…conversation between screenwriters makes it into the movie!
*Mayor is a total asshole cliche!
*Extremely routine snowmobiling edited to appear extreme
*Grotesque “mercy killing” after an argument between the two parties involved about said mercy killing WHILE one of the parties was being eaten by a shark! Just shoot me, for god’s sake!
#3: Railroad Tigers (2016)
If you enjoy the work of Jackie Chan, and who doesn’t, you know that his films are filled with harrowing stunts that Jackie does himself. You can also expect more than a tinge of humor in the storyline and in his facial expressions. It’s what makes a Jackie Chan movie fun! All this movie has is a few stunts, and that’s it.
It’s a Robin Hood story with Chan attempting to steal food from the Japanese army to give it to the poor. It is supposed to take place in 1941, but everything about this production screams 2016. It all seems new. The props, the sets, the costumes…they all seem like they’re straight out of the packages from Amazon.com. You fully expect to see a character using an Apple watch or chatting on an iPhone. This was a waste of time.
#2: God Raiga vs. King Ohga (2021)
Being a Godzilla fan opens you up to all sorts of Kaiju viewing. So, this one is totally on me.
Kaiju is a Japanese genre of films and television featuring giant monsters, and I eat it up. Godzilla, Rodan, Mothra, Ghidorah, Ebirah, Destoroyah, Gamera…I am all in! But this was the minor leagues compared to those titans.
At times I couldn’t believe what I was watching. The effects were appalling, even by rubber-suit Kaiju standards. They showed a helicopter that was so obviously a toy you could almost see the strings holding it aloft. Cuts would also be made to a group of puppets sitting in a control room. They didn’t move, but they spoke! Non-moving, speaking puppets in a control room! Unexplained and inexplicable!
#1: Ladyhawke (1985)
I don’t know where to begin. Michelle Pfeiffer as a woman who turns into a hawk? A soundtrack that appears to have escaped from Beverly Hills Cop? Matthew Broderick sporting a Moe Howard haircut? Rutger Hauer NOT playing Roy Batty?
Maybe I’ll just blame the 80s and Richard Donner. Yeah. That sounds fair. Let’s move on!
The Top 10
#10: The Beaning (2017)
Director Sean McCoy uses a clip from 1922’s Haxan in The Beaning, and that’s perfect in so many ways! Kudos to Criterion Channel for suggesting this double bill at some point!
This film features industrial smoke and fire, native American tribal dances, and nude women playing baseball on the beach.
But what it’s really about is,“the sacrificial killing of Ray Chapman at the hands of Carl Mays.”
That’s right! Occult involvement in our national pastime! Deals with Satan made by the Yankees that gave them advantages going forward!
This is a DOCUMENTARY! And it’s all of NINE minutes long! If you’re a baseball fan, you knew the devil was involved with all of that Yankee success, but you never thought it involved poor Ray Chapman!
Damn Yankees indeed!
#9: Speaking in Strings (1999)
I have seen quite a few music documentaries, but this stood out to me because of the person playing that violin. I had never heard of Nadja Salerno-Sonnenberg before watching this, but I have educated myself about her after viewing her amazing story.
It’s so impressive to see a musician that becomes one with their instrument and their music in a way that brings you to tears.
I am not a big fan of the violin or classical music in general, but this is about the musician as much as it is the music, and Nadja Salerno-Sonnenberg’s story is an inspirational one.
#8: Tower (2016)
Three documentaries in a row to start off July’s Top Ten! I realize most people don’t lean toward documentaries when they want to watch a movie, and I get it. Too heavy, too depressing, I want to escape real life with my moviegoing, etc.
Documentarians must realize this, because I’ve noticed a change in the way the genre is being presented recently. I’ve seen more than a few animated documentaries, Tower being one of them, and let me tell you that it works.
Tower tells the story of the events of August 1, 1966. After he stabbed his mother and wife to death the previous evening, Charles Whitman took rifles and other weapons to the observation deck atop the clock tower building on campus at the University of Texas, Austin.
Whitman then proceeded to open fire over the next 96 minutes, killing 14 people and injuring 31.
Tower uses animation, actual eyewitness testimony, and archival footage to tell the story in a very compelling way. This draws you in and holds you down.
#7: Alice (2022)
Sometimes I really like a movie just because of its premise. Alice is one of them. It’s not perfect, it left me with a lot of questions, and I’m not totally convinced it was that good. But here it is at #7 for July. So it did some things right!
I won’t give away anything you wouldn’t get from watching the trailer, so no spoilers are coming.
When we meet our title character (played by the wonderful Keke Palmer), she is a slave on a plantation in what appears to be the Antebellum South. The slave owner is cruel, as usual, and is played by the scenery-chewing Johnny Lee Miller.
One night Alice escapes and runs right onto a highway and into the path of an 18 wheeler.
Things are not what they appear once you cross that tree line.
#6: The Battered Bastards of Baseball (2014)
Another documentary! :) “The One Team That Had a Pair”
This is a MUST see if you’re a baseball fan. Or if you love Kurt Russell like I do. Kurt’s father, actor Bing Russell, started an independent minor league baseball team in Portland, Oregon in 1973. The team was mostly made up of misfits and outcasts, but it was also overwhelmingly successful!
My favorite parts were when Kurt was shown talking about his dad and how passionate he was about baseball and this team of players everyone else had given up on. Heartwarming on more than a few levels.
#5: The Guilty (2018)
This film was also part of a recent blog here at cinemawellman.blogspot.com that attempted to explore foreign films and their American remakes. The post also addressed how America falls short 99% of the time.
Check out that post for a more in depth look at Danish filmmaker Gustav Moller’s thriller. This kept me on the edge of my seat and featured a dandy twist about halfway through that had me applauding.
#4: Away from Her (2006)
Oscar winner Julie Christie is almost perfect in my mind. She’s a beautiful woman who is extremely talented and has been honing her craft since she turned 21 in 1961. Darling, Doctor Zhivago, McCabe & Mrs. Miller, Don’t Look Now, Shampoo, Nashville, Heaven Can Wait…Ms. Christie’s filmography is quite impressive. Add this one to that list.
Away from Her deals with aging and the difficulties of caring with a loved one who is suffering from Alzheimer’s disease. It is extremely difficult subject matter, especially when her character’s husband has to have her institutionalized.
Powerful stuff competently directed by Sarah Polley, who I have come to expect great things from since seeing her in Go back in 1999.
This film brought me to tears on several occasions, but that’s nothing new around Cinema Wellman. It’s all good.
#3: 21 Years: Richard Linklater (2014)
If you’ve been paying attention to all things Cinema Wellman recently, you know that there’s a Richard Linklater thing going on here! As of this writing, I have seen 13 films directed by Richard Linklater. Six of them have been in 2022, so I’ve been on a Linklater roll lately.
This documentary chronicles the career of Linklater mostly in interviews with people who have worked with him over the years. This film also caused me to watch Linklater’s remake of The Bad News Bears!
I don’t love everything directed by him, but I do love almost all of it. My all-time favorite being Dazed and Confused. Party at the Moon Tower? Alright, alright, alright.
#2: Coney Island (1991)
This is a perfect double feature film for a screening of 2020’s Class Action Park. A fantastic documentary (yes, another doc!) about Coney Island and its fascinating history. At one time, Coney Island was home to three giant amusement parks, and was dubbed the “City of Fire.”
Here are some highlights/lowlights of everything that was Coney Island:
*Shows included battle re-creations, the Galveston Flood, the eruptions of BOTH Vesuvius AND Pompei - not to mention a fire in a tenement building that was battled by “firefighters”
*People from “around the globe” were brought in and “put on display” including an entire Eskimo village! Sounds way too much like a human zoo to me!
*A half-scale European village was constructed and populated by 300 dwarfs - this also sounds pretty shady!
*Unsafe rides galore including “Steeplechase” and “Human Roulette”
*Coney Island is where they brought in Thomas Edison to electrocute Topsy the elephant after Topsy had killed three handlers - the owner of the amusement park originally planned on HANGING Topsy!
*There was a spot in the park frequented by couples that featured a vent in the ground that blew up strong blasts of air. The air would lift up the skirts and dresses of the ladies who were then harassed by dwarfs dressed as clowns.
If their dates protested, they were zapped by cattle prods carried by the dwarf clowns.
*Umm……
#1: Three Men to Kill (1980)
Trois Hommes à Abattre, as it’s known in France, is a thriller directed by Jacques Deray. Even though it was made in 1980, this movie has the feel of a noir thriller from a much earlier time.
Alain Delon stars as Michel Gerfaut, a man who gets mixed up in something sinister entirely by accident. A car accident.
Being a good samaritan, Gerfaut stops to help someone in a car crash. Little does he know that the man had been shot and now Gerfaut, himself, has been targeted to eliminate him as a potential witness.
What ensues is something Alfred Hitchcock would have loved. Director Deray pays homage to Hitch as we follow the bad guys while they kill pretty much everyone Gerfaut comes into contact with.
On top of solid cinematography and a great score, Three Men to Kill also features one of the best endings I have seen in years. This was a treat from start to finish.
And in a category all its own…
Stunt Rock (1978)
When I started doing this back in January (please go back and check out the Top 10/Bottom 5 blogs for Jan.-June) I had a feeling that I’d watch a movie that belonged on BOTH the Bottom 5 AND the Top 10!
Ladies and gentlemen….I give you Stunt Rock!
This is how IMDb attempts to describe Stunt Rock: “While working on a TV show in Los Angeles, famed Australian stuntman Grant Page helps an up-and-coming fantasy-themed rock band develop special effects and dangerous stunts for their act.” Nice try, IMDb! This thing can’t be described in one sentence.
That description of the movie is longer than its script! The fantasy-themed rock band is named Sorcery and they got an “Introducing” credit! Sorcery has five numbers in the movie, which is why it’s considered a Music/Musical/Action/Documentary. According to IMDb, Sorcery was signed less than a month before production began. I believe it.
There are so many great things about the band featured in Stunt Rock. I mean, they are straight out of This is Spinal Tap! Two band members go by the epithets “King of the Wizards” and “Prince of Darkness.” Another band member’s real name is Smokey Huff. Everything about this movie is a smile.
All Hail Stunt Rock! First film ever to reach both Top 10 AND Bottom 5 status! I have a feeling it won’t be the last!
Check out the trailer, and I think you'll see what I mean.
https://www.imdb.com/videoplayer/vi2254029593?ref_=ttvi_vi_imdb_2
Platforms
Here are the platforms on which I screened this month’s selected 15 (or 16 in this case!)
Sharks of the Corn - Amazon Prime
Avalanche Sharks - Amazon Prime
Railroad Tigers - Peacock
God Raiga vs. King Ohga - hoopla
Ladyhawke - Netflix
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The Beaning - Criterion
Speaking in Strings - kanopy
Tower - kanopy
Alice - kanopy
The Battered Bastards of Baseball - Netflix
The Guilty - hoopla
Away from Her - hoopla
21 Years: Richard Linklater - hoopla
Coney Island - hoopla
Three Men to Kill - kanopy
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Stunt Rock! - kanopy
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