Sharks of the Corn vs. Avalanche Sharks
Which Was Worse?
Welcome to Episode 1 of Which Was Worse? WWW? will be a recurring post here on the blog and a regular feature on the soon to be launched Cinema Wellman Podcast!
What it will attempt to do is pretty simple. Which Was Worse? will take two obviously bad films that have something in common, watch them back to back, put them through the rigorous Cinema Wellman rubric, and scientifically determine which of the movies was worse.
The rubric isn’t really complicated. Each film will be scored on a 1 to -3 scale. Yes, the highest the film can earn in any category is a 1. The lowest score it can receive is a -3.
Each film will be scored in the following categories:
Story/Plotline/Script - I put all three of these eggs in the same basket (all are equally ludicrous)
Acting
Special Effects - In this case we’re also including any “Shark Effects”
Self-Awareness - Did they realize what they were making?
Effort - We here at Cinema Wellman always award points for effort
Each film will also be “fined” for indiscretions that are admittedly handed out in an arbitrary and capricious manner. Each infraction will be listed along with the number of points lost. Most infractions will be a (-1).
First up is 2021’s Sharks of the Corn
(1.8 IMDb rating)
*The poster proudly boasts “Steven Kang’s Sharks of the Corn” so a (+1) there!
*Another (+1) for starting with “The Story You Are About To See Is Based Upon True Events” even though that’s total rubbish!
*Blatant cut-rate JAWS theme portends the terrible soundtrack to come. (-1)
Minus one point (-1) for EACH of the following actual lines of dialogue from the movie:
*”I have an affinity for corn.”
*”Is that a corn cob, or are you just happy to see me?”
*”As you can see, there are sharks in the cornfield.”
*”Smile, you son of a bitch!” This gets a (-2) because you just don’t get to say Roy Scheider lines whenever you want to.
*Gratuitous cornfield nudity. (-1)
*The shark growls. (-1)
*Actual Seinfeld reference alluding to George Costanza being a marine biologist! (+1)
*Boyfriend of dead girlfriend being interviewed by cops tells the cop that he came to the cornfield for some “Sue action”(makes hip thrusting motion). Sue’s mutilated corpse is five feet away at the time. That’s just bad form. (-2)
*People talking to each other on walkie talkies when they’re about ten feet away from each other. (-1)
*Awful FX explosion that they decided to show three different times from three different angles, so…(-3)
*Obviously plastic body parts being pawned off as real body parts. (-1)
*They cast an 11 year old girl as a member of the gangster’s goon squad. (-1)
*The soundtrack is so awful it seems like it’s part of a bad soap opera. (-1)
*At police headquarters, there’s a Ted Bundy wanted poster on the wall. I’m pretty sure they caught him. (-1)
*A serial killer of hundreds is transported by a solitary officer in her personal vehicle. (-1)
*Cornfield is located on an ancient burial ground cliche. (-1)
*Writer/director appears in the film as a cop. His uniform actually reads “COP” on the front. (-1)
*Very odd Amazon ‘parody’ when a character is delivered a package in the middle of nowhere by Amazing.com. And they mention it twice, so… (-2)
*Only the head of the obviously rubber shark is ever shown. (-1)
*Shark breaches the cornfield and takes down a helicopter. (+5) That’s what we want!
*Plot convenient rocks found in cornfields whenever needed. There are no large rocks in cornfields. (-1)
*Ends with FIN as opposed to The End. (+1)
*Post credits statement; “Special nod to Peter Benchley, Steven Spielberg, and the movie JAWS for its unending influence on pop culture and its inspiration to fans and moviemakers.” You may as well salute who you’re ripping off! (+1)
The Rubric:
Story/Plotline/Script: -1
Acting: -3
Special Effects/Shark FX: -2
Self-Awareness: +1
Effort: 0
Total score for Sharks of the Corn: -20
And now 2014’s Avalanche Sharks
(2.3 IMDb rating)
*According to IMDb: “A bikini contest turns into a horrifying affair when it is hit by a shark avalanche.” Sure it is. (-1)
As subtracted earlier, minus one point (-1) for EACH of the following actual lines of dialogue from the movie:
*”There’s nowhere to hide from Skookum now!”
*”Snow’s gonna run red with your blood!”
*”You keep up with me, I’ll give you a sex treat.”
*”They swim through the snow like other sharks swim through water.”
*”...and they like people meat!”
*”It’s not the first time sharks have appeared on this mountain!”
*“We should be either high or drunk or both.” As they say on Cinema Sins, “Actual dialogue between the scriptwriters makes it into the movie.” (-1)
*Scary old geezer who tells everyone they’re going to die cliche. (-1)
*Actual ski resort (Mammoth Mountain) allows their name to be all over this mess, and yet they don’t advertise it on their website! (-1)
*Girlfriend forcing boyfriend to say “I love you” cliche. (-1)
*Mayor is a total asshole cliche. (-1)
*Girl awards herself to the winner of a race between two dudes cliche. Haven’t we advanced past this? (-2)
*Routine snowmobiling edited to appear like exciting snowmobiling. (-1)
*Non-American character not understanding English played for comedic effect. (-1)
*Grotesque mercy killing after an argument about carrying out said mercy killing. Argument took place while one of the people was being eaten by a shark. (-1)
*At one point they allow a character to explain the entire story to us. That was appreciated. It didn’t help much, but it was appreciated. (+1)
The Rubric:
Story/Plotline/Script: 0
Acting: 0
Special Effects/Shark FX: 0
Self-Awareness: -1
Effort: -1
Total score for Avalanche Sharks: -18
So it appears that Cinema Wellman and IMDb are in agreement with these two movies. Sharks of the Corn is slightly worse than Avalanche Sharks. Watch either at your own risk. You’ve been warned by the crazy old geezer and Cinema Wellman.
Scheduled Which Was Worse? Match-Ups:
If you have an idea for WWW? let us know on Instagram or Twitter!
Follow us!
@cinemawellman
You know we’ll watch anything here!
The official podcast of Cinema Wellman is closer than ever!
Stay tuned for launch details!
No comments:
Post a Comment